Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
About 6 years ago, I embarked on an affair while I was married. We stayed together after d-day, but ultimately I could not stay away from my AP and my H gave up on trying to make our marriage work. We divorced and are on friendly terms now - and of course things didn't last with the OM. A few months ago I met a man who told me he was married, but "who knows for how long." He said all the things cheaters say (all the things I said!), and I believed him when he said he was ready to leave wife. But of course he did not leave - he came to his senses, decided he didn't want to be a cheater, and ended things with me. The thing is, I can't cope with his rejection. Maybe it's because I lost my marriage from cheating and I assumed he would lose his too (which - God help me, I tell myself might still happen - we only ended 2 months ago). For whatever reason, even though I remember the agony I was in when my H found out I had cheated, I can't drum up any empathy for my AP, and I can't just leave him the hell alone like I am supposed to. I feel foolish and obsessed, and I imagine him and his wife being perfectly happy together (even though I know very well what a marriage feels like in the wake of d-day). I feel like I am being punished for my cheating past, and the punishment is unbearable.
We're here for you. :)
My guilt is compounded by the way this all went down. When I was cheating, I never wanted my husband to know - a friend betrayed my confidence and told him. And despite knowing how much that hurt everyone involved, I am the one who told my AP's wife that he was having an affair with me, and somehow in my mind justified it because I knew that his marriage had some problems. But oh God, how could I do this to that poor woman? And what did I think, that she would kick him out and he would run to me? I know better than to want or expect that! Anyway, I appreciate the reminder that time will change everyone's feelings. Every day feels like it stretches on for 3x longer it should, but I am hoping that this time around I will learn some lessons.
Lisa, I love your story and can relate on some levels, glad you are posting, glad you are writing it out, you are inspiring too, clearly you've learned a lot and we can learn from you.
Can I ask you something.....do you regret losing your husband? I believe you wrote he didn't deserve any of it (can relate), do you miss your marriage? Or was this an 'out' for whatever reason?
P.S. Don't let JD get to you, he talks to everyone that way.....but in some twisted way.....he does have a way to hit home sometimes....so we let him stay ;) (kidding of course)
But seriously, we've been there. The passion, the connection. It's a sick, sadistic "benefit" of the A. You don't find that outside of the secrecy. Maybe you do, but it doesn't last. Most A's don't last either, as we all know.
I doubt that any of this even helps right now because very little does when your ego is dealing with the rejection blow. It fucking sucks. 7 months later and I'm just now coming to terms with it and it was slightly easier than your situation because exOM and I left each other (he left me) on even playing fields. We both stayed in our M's. Now, I'm thankful for the decision not to run off into the sunset with exOM (he's a tool and love was so, so blind.. he is hot though). But I'm still not sure where I stand in my M. They are, and should ALWAYS be, separate issues.
Hang in there. Welcome!
lisabee5 - stay in this group and try to do your best to be honest and share. It will help you in the long run to know you have a SAFE place to go where you can express yourself the way you need to. I know it has helped me and others to come here for good feedback and support.