I've learned that BS on CA are NOTHING but TROUBLE.

desertflower1234, the CA website welcomes BS s as well. There are other CA members who actually may use the insights they get from a different perspective to grow and heal as people. Clearly your intent here is to encourage hate. Good luck on your growth as a person.

I sort of agree with desertflower...

But in all honesty, I learned the depth of my codependency and people pleasing, how it killed my feelings for my husband and allowed me to be manipulated in a dramatic affair. I learned how far I suppressed my own needs and how I have probably never had a healthy relationship because what feels normal to me is not.

gravinggirl, thank you for sharing. what you wrote is a breakthrough for yourself. it means you had time to think about what is important to you in your life.

I learned that BSs are condescending and are rarely capable of truly understanding the CS until or unless they become the CS, themselves.

I actually learned, before the A, I would have been one of those people that swore up and down cheaters were despicable, they should just get divorced, and I would never ever ever cheat. I was one of those women who whispered and gossiped to her girlfriends when someone was cheating.
Well guess what, never say never, right? I learned that I am fallible and yes, if I could do it, anyone could... anyone- even you.....

Please understand our hesitation Chip, to welcome you into our trust circle possibly you have been on the Infidelity board (and I think you have...in fact I believe we have chatted possibly, no?.) and have heard accusations made to cheaters as well as one of our own, Desert I believe, attempting to make a thread (similar to this- clarifying question) and was blasted by many members there. She was asking what Dday was like I believe to better understand where her APs wife was coming from and was met with some very chastising remarks. Not many BS's come here with genuine caring intentions, so our trust level is low.

What would be helpful is- when you ask your husband that question, how does he respond?
What has he learned?
What has his experience been since Dday in his journey to self awareness.? What have you learned as a BS in working with him to understand why he cheated? What have you learned reading this board?

We are good people who are human, Chip. We do wonderful and amazing things in the real world, but like you, we are fallible & we are trying to get support. It's a long road.

Shoretimenow, I also never thought I would or could cheat. I figured cheating was for selfish people who just want to have extra sex partners. It turns out that people are swept into affairs for all sorts of reasons, and many are not frivolous whims.

I have honestly learned that the fantasy of the AP gets stuck in your head because the relationship is never allowed to progress in a normal way. You never learn the person's true habits, human faults, and their broken parts. It all stays suspended in this shiny spector that you cannot shake. Even though in a rational moment you may see that perhaps they are not quite "right" for you, the draw is always tugging just a little bit.

Shoretime, thanks for posting. After reading many, many infidelity related materials, i have come to the conclusion that any human being is capable of cheating. There has to be a multitude of things put in place, one could say if the stars are alingned for that person, then it can happen. By that I mean, the person is feeling underappreciated, stresses, unhappy, used, abused, no time to oneself, There is no good excuse for cheating, however, at least I can say now that what leads to cheating are usually a multitude of things put together in that one person s life. the issues are on a case by case basis.
No, i have not ever been on this board before, i am sure you can all see from my posts, that my intentions are not to go around bashing people. I have seen my husband go through all the stages of cheating and it wa not a pretty sight. I would not wish it on anyone, thus, i am here to provide a different perspective from the other side. do what you please with the information.
i cannot speak for my hubbie since im not in his head, all i could possibly write is what i have seen him go through. the stages he has been through. he has been in the fog, but managed to wake up only when he was able to stop the endless courtship and see the real other person. he ended his affair because he did not want to build a life with the other woman after learning the whole person she is. once he realized that on his own, it was much easier for him to move on. he decided what his new values are and will be and has been living his life happily ever since.

I've learned that (as previously stated) NO marriage is "affair proof". Certain individuals may be more likely to cheat than others; but when opportunity knocks at the exact time that you'll answer.. Well only then will you truly understand the shit storm that is the A.

Many people have a button that could be pushed if they met someone who connected with them in a precise way, that's for certain.

I am still learning. I have realized that I have an unhealthy need to have attention from males which extends into childhood. I am going to go to counseling for it. I know for the sake of my relationship I should not be around men unchaperoned. I make this choice

Carissy1: ME too.

I know I am not welcome here (BS) but just thought I would say, I got kind of beat up on the Infidelity group for trying to be understanding a supportive of my CS. I have been surprised and a little disappointed with the us vs. them mentality... Though I guess it is understandable with the charged emotions... They actually have told me twice they think I am not really a CS that my posts are not real (faking). I thought the point was healing, not picking sides... I am sorry people are not supportive. There are always two sides to a story.

I think it's easy to say a CS is a terrible, selfish person who is 100% wrong because of one poor choice, but life isn't that simple. Relationships are tricky, needs are tricky, and laying yourself bare emotionally is hardest of all.