Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

943 Members

4,471 Posts

0 Online

rosewater 02/01/2013

He says he loves me, never wavered, won't back down, says it's worth the risk. Yet...he can go 2 weeks with no contact, doesn't always retunn my call before leaving work, most of our recent interludes are brief. Seems mosty because of work, new job, busy, trying to make an impression, desperate for $. He says hold on till work slows down. When he can talk he is sweet, attentive. I crave him so much. I want to love him, hear his stories, take care of him. Why doesn't he want to be with me? I will give him love, sex, financial stability, attention and FUN. She is hateful, mean, demeaning, controlling and CRAZY! I know her and she is! I think he is scared of her, ruining his reputation and relationship with the kid. Says he has to run interferance betwn her and the kid. And financial would be a mess. But hell, wouldn't it be worth it. Bless his heart, he is such a wuss, she controls everything, he has no personal freedom. I have tried to give him up but I am addicted. We are so good together, it is amazing. Sometimes I wonder if I am just convenient. I am very sexual and always ready, give him the love, attention, sex and even money that he doesn't get from her. He is so used to being without...everything. If i withhold from him, well, he is used to that so he endures.
I also feel awful about my cheating. My H is so sweet and he loves me. Just don't know why I am not all the way there with him. For 25 years, just can't. It's not bad just not complete somehow. I do not want to hurt him, don't want to ruin his faith in love, even if not with me.
IDK, how do you know if it's real? Due to my upbringing I am often doubtful. But why would you risk EVERYTHING for nothing, ya know?
Just venting, thanks for listening.

deleted_user 02/01/2013

I get it. This is a tough situation... You mentioned that you give him everything he could ever want.now, though, so what's his incentive to leave? He has you and he has her. He has his reputation, his stability, his family and you giving him all your time and support and energy and money. He can not talk to you for weeks and you stick around. No one else would accept that. Out of everything you said, that is the most concerning to me.

www.sharing our connection.WordPress.com

rosewater 02/01/2013

Yes me too. I don't know why I do it. cuz i don't want to give up. I wish I was on his mind as much as he is mine. When I tried to end it cuz i wanted more he asked me why we couldn't leave it as is for now, he is locked in till kid graduates. Doesnt want it to end, he loves me, etc He has never said he would leave. I just can't understand why he stays, no one can, even his kids, reguardless of whether he is with me or not. Sometimes I wonder if he has, like, an abused spouse problem.

Gabrielle48 02/01/2013

I loved my OM very much. I loved my H too. I wanted to keep them both, but I knew I would choose my H over OM. OM is single and more than anything he wished I could be his.

I got caught and had to end the relationship with OM quickly with total No Contact. Brutal. But you know what I discovered? My H and I pulled together even in our desperate pain. We went to counseling, sought spiritual help and guidance, read A recovery books together and made a LOT of changes to the way we relate as a couple. We read a book called His Needs Her Needs that helped us learn how to make each other feel loved in the way we best receive it. We learned what it was that was missing in our relationship. We learned to focus on each other and make each other top priority. Our love has been rekindled and we feel like we did when we were dating 30 years ago. Maybe better, is spite of the scars.

The journey was hard, so hard, but I just want you to see that a good marriage is worth saving and can be rekindled with a lot of commitment and effort. I know your situation is complicated since you are still with the OM and your H doesn't know but sometimes telling is the right thing to do and the best way to end it and work on your marriage. Some people just can't tell but still they are trying to end it and work on the marriage.

I hope you can figure out what you really want and the best way to get there.

deleted_user 02/02/2013

Gabrielle said: "I loved my OM very much. I loved my H too. I wanted to keep them both, but I knew I would choose my H over OM. OM is single and more than anything he wished I could be his."

Me too..

rosewater 02/02/2013

Oh there will be no telling. That would be the end, forever, he is not the forgiving type.The only reason I got married was becuase I was young, my parents split and I was lost. I think I could be pretty happy with him but we have a grown child with problems that probably won't change and we don't have the opprtunity to be a couple. It's complicated. I think I have just recently started yearning for that. I want some adventure, etc and it's not going to happen at home, IDK, thanks for your thoughts.

deleted_user 02/02/2013

You wonder why HE stays, but have you put a lot of thought into why YOU do? Either you think your marriage could provide you with everything you need so you don't want to let go or perhaps its just fear... You say your child is grown.

www.sharingourconnection.wordpress.com

deleted_user 02/02/2013

Good questions Jaded. New poster that seems to be on the ball!

rosewater 02/02/2013

I stayed because if I left he never would have quit the drugs. I stay because it's easier than leaving, financial, and I have never been on my own and it's scary. Like I said before, it's not awful.

Gabrielle48 02/03/2013

rosewater - I connect with a few more things you said. I too got married very young. I had no experience with men. We have a grown child with problems. We are not sure how or when or if independence will be possible for him, but we continue to have hope. At least a supported living type situation perhaps.

Adventure - experiences - that is what I was seeking when I was in my A frame of mind. I was crazy sexual too. I passed a sex addiction test with flying colors. But that was all out of character for the me before and for me now although I am still pretty sexual. I was in a sex addicted state because of my experiences with OM#1. We call it "the fog." At the time I had no desire to be freed from that mental state because it is well....addictive and euphoric and I did not want it to end.

Someone recently said something about what a euphoric high an A is and it is as equally painful on the other side as it was euphoric. I have to agree. We are 1 yr and 9 mos almost from Dday and though it gradually gets better if you keep working at healing, it has been the most painful time of my life, whereas the 7 mos of my A were the most crazy and euphoric. Someone on the infidelity board calls that fog crazy town.

By some of the things you say, I think the fog may be beginning to clear just a little and you are beginning to see things a bit better for what they really are and then you really start to feel the dilemma. A lot of "uncaught" CS's here are in that very place.

Join the Conversation