Keep up the NC!!! You are doing good--and it will get easier and easier given time. :-)

It gets easier.. especially once you begin to realize that ALL these cheating bastards (and I'm one of them!) have the same ol' story. Nothing special to see here. Move along!

Yeah, I feel like every single women who has fallen for a married man (that would be me!) could recite the words your AP said along with you. These guys are ALL married "out of obligation" (not true - they actually love their wives) and they ALL claim they have no passion left (not true - they just don't have the specific passion you feel with someone you don't know all that well). But I wanted to address your desire to "anonymously let [his wife] know." I did that. I regret it very, very much. The affair is over (she insisted that he go NC and after a few weeks of waffling, he finally obliged and it's now been a month since I heard from him). And I looked like an insane, obsessed stalker by contacting his wife and not recognizing when he wasn't going to respond anymore to texts, calls, or emails. I don't regret losing him - it was a terribly painful relationship that needed to end - but I regret not leaving it with more dignity. Go NC - especially with regard to contacting his wife - and I promise you will continue to feel proud of yourself!

Lisa... I just wanted to reply to your comments... I'm not sure if many men do say those things but my AP did actually marry his wife out of obligation because she had their daughter. He actually left her at the alter, TWICE, before he went through with it. He knew it was the right thing to do for the baby. Yes, of course, he loves her... Though I don't think he is as happy as he could be. He wouldn't leave her because he's afraid he would upset too many people. As far as the passion thing... Sure an affair may tend to be more passionate, because it's forbidden. But, he and I have known each other for almost 18 years and know each other pretty well. I agree that telling the wife isn't probably a great idea. I think my idea of telling her anonymously was more because I feel she is being duped and no one deserves to be cheated on and be in the dark. Then again... I wouldn't want my Husband to find out.

waddicted, I really didn't mean to disrespect your AP's story or his feelings! His marriage truly does sound born out of obligation, not of emotional connection. I feel like my whole life pivots on the fundamental question, "When our passions do not match our commitments, which should we follow?" As you know from reading my separate post, I have been in your shoes, and I relate (and I am realizing that I am completely absorbed by my own story and coloring everyone else's life through my own lens!). Now that my marriage has ended, I am just now coming to terms with the intensity of the passion I felt during my affair. And even though I wish my husband had never found out, I can't honestly say that I regret what I did. I can't imagine walking away from the aliveness and passion I felt. Anyway, I'm finally realizing that I was never able to weigh and balance affair-feelings against married-feelings. My ex-husband definitely did not deserve to be cheated on and deceived, but I would be curious to know whether he wishes that he never knew about my affair. I of course wish he didn't know, but with the benefit of hindsight (he is happily remarried now) I wonder if he is grateful for the information. Maybe for my birthday in a few days I will ask him to give me the gift of telling me how he feels about that - see why I'm not married anymore? :)

It is interesting thing to think about. If my husband was cheating, would I want to know? I want to say that I would… But I don't know. Because if you're being kept in the dark you can think that everything is just hunky-dory. I don't have any intention of telling my husband and I'm hoping that I can stay NC and then nothing else will happen that he would be able to find out. We actually have a good friend who did actually cheat on her husband. The situation was quite a bit different though. But I had once asked my husband if he would want to know if his wife was cheating on him. He said he would want to know. Not that that's going to make me tell him. Lol. I think that if someone is really determined to make their marriage work and really determined to stop the affair… That if the betrayed spouse doesn't know, there's no real reason to tell them. If it's really over.
I'm sure some people probably feel differently about that… But from my own take on it and from what I've read from other people online, there's no harm in keeping it a secret if it's truly over. However, obviously there will be issues if you tell.
Oh… I wasn't offended or anything by your response before. And I didn't think that you were trying to disrespect my AP's story. I think that a lot of times people try to generalize things from their own experiences that seem to be similar. And… You may very well be right. I might just be too blind to see it. And that's OK. I'm learning as I go along. :)

Lisa don't feel so bad. Alot of us ended the same way...insane, obsessed stalkers. Most of my questions centered around the reason why? Why did he tell me I was everything to him one day then tell me it's over the next? In the end I found out why but only bc I investigated and not bc he told me. Now, like you, I wish I had just let him go without a backward glance.

waddicted, don't know your AP but I knew mine for 23 years and he said all the same things to me. I thought I knew him until I found out he was saying the same things to a few other women. I was the only PA (I think) but who knows. You know that song...I know you're lyin cause your lips are moving? Well that's most MM. Not all of them but most. Even I have to admit there were times I'd say things while thinking "why am I saying these things to him, I don't really mean them". It's all part of the game until it's over and someone gets hurt.

"Therapy won't scratch the surface of that level of pathological hypocrisy."

I agree. Seriously? You think a BS will believe that you would ever have their best interest at heart when you have had an A with their spouse?

In my case, I meant and believed it when I told the BS that she should know the man she is married to, but my motives were not remotely pure. I thought she'd kick him out and he'd come to me. But instead they are working on their marriage (and I encouraged him to do that, but was talking out of both sides of my mouth because I really wanted them to break up). I am getting better on the obsessed/stalker front, but I caught HIM doing a drive-by on me last week and it rekindled my sick hope that he is not over me, allI have to do is wait, etc.

I honestly feel bad for his wife. Yes, I played a part, obviously, but I feel guilty. Not just guilty for cheating on my H, but guilty that I had an affair and his wife has no clue. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he does it again. He shows no remorse.

Honestly, if anyone is unfaithful... The spouse deserves to know so that they can make the decision to stay or leave. And, yes, that includes my husband. I've thought of confessing MANY times. But I read more things about NOT confessing because it will create unnecessary issues. That as long as I am faithful from here on out and that I change myself, that telling my H isn't the best option.

Maybe they deserve to know, but the AP is the LAST person that a BS need to hear about an A from. Been there, and all it does is make the AP look like a jerk, as we BS typically do not have it in us to believe that an AP of our spouse/partner would EVER EVER have our best interest in mind. The whole thing just comes off as inflammatory---trying to cause additional problems in the marriage/relationship as a vehicle for achieving something else--like our partner.

Telling your own husband about your A, that is a different matter--sometimes this can be a good thing, as it is MUCH MUCH better if he finds out from you instead of someone else down the line. Also, IMHO it is easier to believe that someone who confesses is truly remorseful/more trustworthy than if the A is discovered.