Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Im telling the truth to get honest opinions, so go ahead and say it because I need to hear it. Ive been married almost 20 years and have 2 daughters. I think about 6 years ago I knew I didnt love my wife but I didn’t even think of changing anything since I was a dad and husband. Also about 6 years ago I realized that I wasn’t attracted to her anymore either, things had changed. About 3 years ago she had a condition where intercourse feels like pins, needles to her. Now I feel like we are just friends and I shouldn’t complain about our marriage because it’s not her fault.
A new employee, about my age, let’s call her Mrs. S, started working 2 offices away from me last August. Being a spry 52 years of age I found out Mrs. S’s limits. She says that we are just friends, that its not an affair because we’ve never been alone. I can tell this is infidelity by a few things: I don’t want my wife to know. Mrs. S and I have a thread of over 2000 texts since last August. We meet in coffee shops and restaurants every week. I never ever imagined cheating before meeting Mrs. S.
Is it wrong for me to wish there was love or intimacy in my life? I wish I could have an affair. I don’t think a divorce would make anyone happy.
This June I will be working at a different job. I can imagine a goal in life.
Tell it like it is - I’m listening, thanks
Be careful what you wish for. Why don't you & your wife attend marriage counseling bc I'll bet she's feeling the same. There are medical treatments she can use to alleviate the "pins & needles" feeling during intercourse. I didn't want anything to do with my H bc of the very same thing. Then I reconnected with xAP, went to my gyno & bc sexually active, VERY sexually active again......but only with my AP. Think about it.
I also suggest you put that energy into your wife versus Mrs. S, who is clearly another man's wife. You might be surprised how your wife responds once you start treating her differently.
You loved her once enough to marry her, take vows, and have a family with her. You can change your thoughts and change your life.
I should have put more in the first post but I remember she told me about 2 years ago that she had seen 2 obgyn s and was at a dead end. I already knew how this was hard for her so I knew she made an effort to relieve it. I haven’t asked about it since then because I just figured nothing has changed or developed since that last conversation about it.
Strompetel, your suggestion is my Plan C , I think. I will find the words to talk to my wife about it one more time. Plan C was to change my mind about her.
Clovermoon, you are right that my trouble is I might not want what I wish for. That’s closer to my Plan A.
Before I pick a plan I promise both of you I will talk to wifey again about doctors and investigate M counseling. I don’t plan to see or contact Mrs. S after I leave the workplace. Im going to tell her the rules of the last goodbye.
The goal is that my life doesnt hurt anymore and I dont hurt anyone else. Somehow Ill get there.
True confession? Can I say it out loud? I’m completely sure that if Mrs. S purposefully tempted me I would be powerless to stop. Solution: Never answer again when she calls. That might not be a great plan but its all I can think of in the short term
If she has seen a doctor, you BOTH should go and see a sex therapist. They actually know A LOT about these things.
I do not want to get graphic but.... There are many ways to be sexual without intercourse. I hope you exhaust all options. Can she still have an orgasm? Have you both tried? Just because you cannot have penetrative sex doesn't mean you shouldn't have sex.
My first suggestion is to start flirting with your wife, the way you do with Ms. S... if you are not feeling it, FAKE IT... it feels good to feel attractive by the opposite sex, especially your husband. This is a choice.
I am sure she doesn't feel like a complete woman. I wouldn't.
When you see Ms. S instead of engaging with her, engage your wife. You never know she may start flirting back,
My last suggestion ^^^ If all of the above fails^^^ GIVE IT TIME TO WORK!! 3 months or more
talk to your wife honestly ... I have a friend that cannot have sex due to a terminal illness. Her and her husband have an understanding that he can have sex with other women. But only women that are married in OPEN relationships (confirmed by the other husband) This will distract from becoming emotionally involved with other women. Her H is allowed to go to "lifestyle" clubs ect. He is not allowed to have relationships with these women.
He goes out 2 times a month. (this is better than some marriages) He doesn't always get "Lucky". Neither does single men looking for a "hook-up"
She has said even though she doesn't like the thought of him having sex with other women. He is more present when he is home. Nobody texts him except for the kids. He cuddles with her and showers her with affection. Maybe he stopped resenting her.
My plan C is to change my mind about Wifey and try to renew our marriage.
Youre right that my Plan C should come first. Im afraid to tell my wife about an open relationship because I think she won't even trust me to go to the hardware store if I suggest something like that. Yes Ive suggested lots of alternatives to intercourse but I appreciate you mentioning it. Flirting with wifey has had its up and downs.
There is the update that my wife wants to see doctors and give it another try and I am thinking to let that come to a conclusion before entering therapy.
Im glad you put it bluntly, I needed to hear it. On the afternoon of that previous post of mine, we met at a teahouse after work.
Plan A is in the future, , In case C doesnt work, A is to really and truly accept that I cant change everything and I should be happy with what I do have and to quit wishing for more. Plan A also is to accept that an affair puts the family in jeopardy.
Thanks for writing, I will be reading all your answers over and over again
I regret my affair because it turned me into someone I didn't believe in, someone inauthentic and lacking in integrity. There is always another way to create a spark in your life without nuking everyone around you.
Thank you GG, I am journaling later about what happened yesterday. I hadn't seen what you posted. Unknowingly, the proof behind what you wrote happened at the same hour you posted it. I still have a job but I was shocked to see your post last night.
Another question is whether or not we can control who we are attracted to. That means we’re already clear that you can control who you are with, A person can choose to start or stay or leave a relationship . But fetishes are strange sometimes and person might be attracted to another even if its foolish.
My opinion is that you cannot control who you are attracted to.
You CAN control what you do about it.
The most important thing in the last weeks has been that my wife told me she wanted to investigate doctors and do research to find a medical answer. I feel she was very sincere.
I have learned a lot from this support group. Mrs. S mentioned that I didn’t text her much anymore. She said she missed me. I’m doing a little better , I think or in my opinion, because I’m more confident about resisting her, and distracting myself from her. But am I contradicting myself saying I think im doing better but Im still in contact with her? I can tell how much I will miss seeing her and that hurts.
Im feeling frustration, jealousy, regret. Emotional flashes and mood swings like never before. Great disappointment. I feel like a part of my life is missing. Teen angst and a midlife crisis at the same time. I wanna bleach my hair completely snow WHITE and I never would have thought of such a thing before.
if nothing else really changes this month I will be working elsewhere in June. OK I can hang on and stay away from places and situations that lure me in.