It is hurtful but I don't see how it's abuse. But I'm a CS so what do I know, right? I fail to see how you could make a good argument that it is abuse though. Sure you could set up a scenario where it is part of an abusive situation, but you could also set up a scenario where it is not. What if a victim of domestic battery finds comfort in the arms of an old boyfriend who eventually gives her the courage to leave? Was she abusing her husband in that case?

Granted cheating is bad. But that doesn't mean it's abuse any more than it's murder. I don't think we gain clarity or anything else by muddying the waters like that.

I definitely think that the gaslamping that can happen is a form of abuse. It doesn't happen in all affairs and I wouldn't describe the lies of omission that I told my exH as gaslamping. Not sure he would agree if he ever found out though.

I think the transmission of STDs to your spouse is a form of abuse, especially the fatal ones.

Either by willful neglect or deliberately, I have an HPV-based stage 4 cancer that is the result of my ex-wife's straying.

It's not a punch to the face, but it is my death warrant.

Having unprotected sex with both your affair partner and spouse means you're exposing them to STDs they didn't believe they could come in contact with because they are faithful. STDs are no joke. That sounds like abuse to me.

Spending household funds on an affair partner is financial abuse.

Affairs are about making unilateral decisions for someone else that is completely unaware of what you're doing. On some level that is emotional abuse.

All in all I'd say yes.

yes, it is a form of abuse

To me, I guess the issue with framing all affairs as abuse is balancing intention vs outcome. Because the intent of the cheating partner is so different (in most cases) than the intent of other actions we define as domestic abuse, I struggle with defining it that way. However, the outcome for the betrayed can be exactly the same as it would be for other actions we call abuse.

Also, if we define all affairs as abuse, how can we support or encourage anyone who decides to restore a marriage after an affair? Doesn't it become problematic for couples who say their marriages improved in the long run after an affair? I struggle with the idea of someone staying with a domestic abuser, even if the abuser is in therapy.

I honestly don't believe intent has anything to do with it. Drunk drivers don't generally set out to kill anyone with their vehicles when they get behind the wheel drunk. If the result is actually that they do kill someone however; it would be hard and rather smug to argue intent with the victim's family.

Sure they didn't intend to kill anyone but they knew they shouldn't be driving in that condition. Just like people who have affairs know it's likely their spouse/partner will be devastated if they find out about it. Knowing this doesn't seem to have any effect on their actions though.

You raise an interesting question about supporting or encouraging anyone who decides to restore a marriage after an affair if we call it abuse. I would say that you answered that question yourself. I honestly would never counsel someone to stay with a spouse who cheated. I don't say that in a mean way either. I am not someone who believes "once a cheater always a cheater" but I do strongly believe that is a bell that can never be un-rung. The relationship is never the same and I don't think that's fair to either party.

I'm guessing one of the main reasons the general masses don't like to refer to infidelity as abuse is because most of the advice about this topic (even from some professionals) is to "try and work it out." If you call it abuse, then how could you possibly counsel someone to stay with that person?

It's kind of the difference between calling an affair a mistake or a choice. It's a choice; maybe a bad one but a choice nonetheless. Mistake just sounds nicer.