Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Lot of you have heard my story. If you have not or don't remember it: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous/discussions/messages/20693287)
At a recent MC session, we for the first time got really into the weeds of talking about what we want to do next. We're still married at this point and seeing each other (for occasional dates and MC), but we're also living separate and, as a natural result of this, drifting apart some. Neither of us wants to be in this state of limbo forever...if we're going to work on R, great, but if we're just going to drift slowly apart, maybe we should just end things sooner?
I don't think I want to end things, but I'm not entirely sure. I feel awful for what I did to her and I do love her, but I'm not positive if I want to save my marriage simply because I love her or because I'm just too scared of the stigma of D (especially D after an A). Maybe I would be better off single? I'm still fairly young, and didn't date much before my W. Maybe I don't know what I want and perhaps I rushed into things? I really have no clue...
From her side of things, I think more than just the A is impacting her thought process. She says living apart has been going well for her, and she hasn't missed me like she thought she might. I think she too had doubts about being married, and maybe feels like she rushed into things as well. The A of course brought things to a head, but could it be that we just weren't right for each other and these issues would have popped up sooner or later?
I titled this "into the unknown" because if we were to take the step to fully separate, that is truly going into the dark. Our last 7+ years have been together, and that brings some degree of comfort and familiarity. The idea of leaving that scares the hell out of me, but also excites me a little (though its mostly the former and less of the latter). I guess my big question is: Have you gone "into the unknown?" How did you know when it was the right thing to do? And how did it all go for you? I'm scared, but I know others have faced this and come out OK, so I'm looking for strength.
At a recent MC session, we for the first time got really into the weeds of talking about what we want to do next. We're still married at this point and seeing each other (for occasional dates and MC), but we're also living separate and, as a natural result of this, drifting apart some. Neither of us wants to be in this state of limbo forever...if we're going to work on R, great, but if we're just going to drift slowly apart, maybe we should just end things sooner?
I don't think I want to end things, but I'm not entirely sure. I feel awful for what I did to her and I do love her, but I'm not positive if I want to save my marriage simply because I love her or because I'm just too scared of the stigma of D (especially D after an A). Maybe I would be better off single? I'm still fairly young, and didn't date much before my W. Maybe I don't know what I want and perhaps I rushed into things? I really have no clue...
From her side of things, I think more than just the A is impacting her thought process. She says living apart has been going well for her, and she hasn't missed me like she thought she might. I think she too had doubts about being married, and maybe feels like she rushed into things as well. The A of course brought things to a head, but could it be that we just weren't right for each other and these issues would have popped up sooner or later?
I titled this "into the unknown" because if we were to take the step to fully separate, that is truly going into the dark. Our last 7+ years have been together, and that brings some degree of comfort and familiarity. The idea of leaving that scares the hell out of me, but also excites me a little (though its mostly the former and less of the latter). I guess my big question is: Have you gone "into the unknown?" How did you know when it was the right thing to do? And how did it all go for you? I'm scared, but I know others have faced this and come out OK, so I'm looking for strength.
For me, going into the unknown I guess has been resolving I won't get into any more A's and deal with things in a healthy way. Believe it or not, that scares me.
I do know we have to ask ourselves if we are happy or just comfortable.
And I love what you said in paragraph 2. Maybe you/we/all of us do need to just take a step back and do the 180 on ourselves and then just wait and see where things fall.
I've read (and am now re-reading) "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. Great book from the Buddhist perspective on dealing with tough times. First few chapters look specifically at going into the unknown, and embracing that as a beautiful chance to learn about ourselves rather than a negative thing. Of course, it's much easier said than done, and I'm struggling as I stand beside the cliff. Do I go over? Go back? Sigh...
The grass often appears greener on the other side of the fence, but in most cases, that is not reality. Just food for thought.
Sarah - Thanks for your thoughts as well. I hear exactly what you're saying.
It'd be so nice if we all just "knew," huh? Knew if the person we're with is right for us, or if there is someone else out there, or whatever. It goes beyond relationships, too...it'd be nice to know if a promotion is coming our way. Or a layoff.
I hate the idea of regret. If my W and I separate for good, I (and she) might regret that for the rest of our lives. It could be that this WAS the right relationship to be in, but we (mainly I) screwed it up. Or, we could regret staying together and not seeing who/what else is out there...
I'm kind of waiting for things to just clearly reveal themselves, but that be a pipedream. It's much more murky right now
Thanks so much for your post. It has made me think. All I can say is take it one day at a time. Live in the moment and lean on those that you are close to (a good friend, family member, those of us here). Your wife seems to be in a state of ambivalence, while you are pointing much more towards reconciliation. You seem to be jumping through hoops to be a better person and try to salvage you M while she does not seem as invested. I have been in similar situation and for me it was just emotionally draining. Try to find a hobby (preferably one that includes other people) and jump into that. I would not jump into any type of romantic or sexual relationship yet, but instead, a hobby to refocus yourself. Hope you have a good day.