Hello atotalwreck: All I want to tell you is I think you did the right thing by telling her and giving her the choice of staying with you or not. Im a BS and if i had found out on my own I don't think there is any way i would of stayed with her. Just hang in there and be as open as she needs you to be. I't going to be a long hard road ahead of you and her. Right now you should be butting all your efforts to help your wife, she didn't ask for this. It gets better But remember she might forgive but she will never forget. It's 30 years ago for me and It still pops in my head at least once a day.

I hear you.

I too came clean to my H about an affair that hadn't quite started. That was almost 10 yrs ago. Wish I could tell you what was going to happen in the future; everyone processes things differently, women differently from men, and she needs time.

Peter was right it gets better. Take things one day, one step at a time.

I'm a BS and I found out on my own. I think I would be more trusting today if he had just come clean (and I believe he still hasn't told me everything, he says yes, I say why should I believe him?). Coming clean TO ME shows that you know what you did was wrong, you feel the guilt and YOU didn't want to do it anymore, not getting found out made you not want to do it anymore, not me making you leave AND telling her husband made you not want it anymore.

I say you are on the road to rebuilding and you did the one thing I wanted most, tell me and let ME decide what I want not try to steer me into staying with you. Now I don't know all the details but everyone has their limits. You know your spouse so you may have some idea of what she is willing to forgive but even we don't know what we will do until we have all the info, process it, go through all kinds of emotions and settle down enough to make a decision.

If you HAVE to get it out, tell her that. Maybe you could write her a letter? Or maybe you all can schedule like 20min sessions and you can tell her in stages so it's not to much, have a word or something and when she (or you) uses it, you table it. Tell her you know she would like to wait until the session but I don't know, for me that would not have worked. One you are going to spend one or two sessions paying for a confession, instead of working on the issues from that confession. She may want the padding the therapist will provide but I would like to have all the issues and information out there then I can get myself together for the tools to work through them and save the marriage (if that is the route she takes). I know when info came out in the session I didn't know (or I caught him in a lie) I spent all my time raging, he was crying and saying I'm misunderstanding and the therapist would let us go for about 10-15 minutes then tell us to stop and lets discuss it, but at that point I didn't give a flying you know what and I wanted out of there. I even went off on the therapist after 3 sessions because she kept saying well I know how you feel but lets discuss why this happen, or why he did that...wait a minute, this is a MARRIAGE (two people) counseling right, not individual...what do you mean I can't express my thoughts and feelings? After that she was much better. So,, I said that to say the first few are going to probably be really rocky, but just hang in there. You have to have a good therapist too. Mine was very pro rebuilding, that is what she wanted to concentrate on but she did tell me I'M in control of the outcome to stay or go, no one else, so make my decision for what I want. I still couldn't totally to that, I have kids to consider.

I would have given anything for my husband to come clean with me first...sigh. Now my trust in him is so damaged I'm not sure how it will ever be regained. His lying did more damage than the affair at this point. Be prepared for a lot of mood swings and don't lose patience with her. Also try to be aware of triggers (date she found out, any special names you called ow, any special days, etc) and help her work through them, you will probably have to keep saying the same things over and over again too, so be ready for that.

telling her was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. I know that it's going to be a long road ahead but regardless of if we get through this or not, She is certainly worth taking the hard road. I need to make an introductory post outlining the situation at some point.

Thank you both for your replies. I honestly thought this was going to just stay at zero replies.

I also understand that for those who haven't told, looking for support in how to control their guilt, posts like mine really hit a sour chord. I've been there. I read these forums for months before I said anything to her, so I get that not many people on here want to hear posts like this.

I don't think that is true. I think it is just the mix of people that are active right now. There seems to be a pretty even split in the camps of tell or don't tell. Hang in there more will respond.

Well this group is called "Cheaters Anonymous" not "Cheaters Coming Out of the Closet" lol. So of course there aren't many people who told or plan to tell in this group.

Anyways, just stay quiet about these things. She doesn't need any mental videos simply because you feel disgusted with yourself. Another thing, stop devaluing yourself. I am working through that myself. When you start hating yourself you will not give her the love she needs right now. So stop talking from a BS's perspective like your existence means nothing.

If you truly love her and you feel you guys were meant for each other, then continuing to blab isn't going to do anything but change her image of you. Why does she deserve to know so she can have a choice to leave you? Are you still cheating? If the answer is no, then can you please describe this monster who is unworthy of her love because so far, the monster isn't you.

Another thing, most people here are married. They invested years, kids, property, etc. together. The situation is so much different for married couples versus singles. Married couples took vows and are more willing to fight for their love. At the same time, because vows were broken, infidelity is so much more awful and serious from their view.

atotalwreck, there is a lot I want to say to you because I understand completely where you are coming from. I am in an extremely similar boat. I philandered on the only woman I've ever known that I want to spend the rest of my life with. In the time before I came clean, I was stricken with a couple panic attacks and one powerful enough to make me start considering suicide. This panic attack rocked my world-view. I think I may have had a brief psychotic episode, but who knows. I was telling myself that no matter what I did in the future, there was nothing I could to do to be forgiven. I had thrown away my entire moral character and become a monster. When I did come clean though, I was forgiven on the spot. Accepting that forgiveness has been extremely difficult however.

For a period even after I came clean, I hated myself with all my energy. I told myself that her forgiveness was fake. That when she said she loved me, she didn't mean it. That she must think I haven't told her the whole truth. I even convinced myself that I hadn't told her the whole truth (I had). I had completely lost trust in myself. I was telling myself I didn't love her anymore (I do). I was telling myself I should move away and start over somewhere far away. I was telling myself everything in my life was different now: my GF hates me, my friends hate me, my family hates me. None of these things were true. I was delusional, and these thoughts were utterly consuming. I was obsessed with hating myself. What helped me through it was some perspective.

Think about what you did. Was it a big mistake? Sure, but was it too big to be forgiven? It doesn't sound like it was. Remember that the feeling of guilt you have is a good thing. You are an empathetic person who has made mistakes and owned up to them. That is admirable. Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone feels a need to own them.

Life is all about learning, and you're going to be a better person on the other side of this thing having learned that forgiveness is a huge constituent of love. The fact that you can learn that from your SO is a beautiful thing, I think.

Sorry for the jumbled mess of thoughts but this is therapeutic for me as well.

Read a book by Linda McDonald "How to help your spouse heal from your affair. Compact manual for the unfaithful". Follow every step.
Apologize million times. Be endlessly patient.

I agree with Hereistohoping - you gave your marriage bigger chance of surviving by coming clean on your own. Its lies that are the worst not the act of cheating itself.
Answer all her questions. I don't mean graphic details, but I doubt she is going to ask
Don't hide behind " I don't remember" and " I don't want to hurt your feelings even more" (this one is especially infuriating). If you truly don't remember specific dates or places do your best to figure it out (calendar, emails). Be transparent, let her know where you are at all times without her asking (asking is endlessly humiliating).

You have fair chance sy success if you follow advice from that book. Also read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. Have her wife read both too. She will find it helpful and very validating.

Kudos again for coming clean. I am sure she will reach the point when she will understand how important it is.
Good luck.

I very much support telling. I think I eventually would have, but I'll never know because I got caught while I was still very deep in the A and was by no means ready to end it at that point.

I support telling because for the very reasons that you chose to tell. For some people it may not be the right thing for them to tell. Who am I to say? I do think, though, that once an A has happened the corruption has been infused into the relationship and the relationship will never be what it should be. The damage will manifest itself one way or another, even if the BS doesn't find out what happened. They may end up blaming themselves or second guessing everything. I've seen this happen.

On the other hand, there are those that seem to successfully keep it to themselves without killing the relationship.

If a person tells they are basically facing up to what they have done, come hell or high water. They have to be prepared for the fact that it may mean the end of the relationship and they have to be prepared to do whatever it takes to heal themselves and their SO and the relationship, should they get that chance.

I always recommend exactly the same books that Jayalexander did above. They are the best and very important. Our therapist had us read His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, which helped us very very much. It helped us really revolutionize our marriage and rebuild by pulling together. I hope your counseling goes well for you.