I am guilty of having an affair and I know what it is like to fall for the other person so hard that you don't know which way is up. However, once I discovered how messed up my priorities were and how I had allowed myself to become distant from my husband, I realized that marriage is what I wanted. You and your wife practiced an open marriage only to find out that being open to other sexual experiences also left your heart open. If you want to sleep with other people, I think it would be best to separate and divorce. If you want to dedicate yourself to your W and only your wife and she wants to do the same, then try to stay together. Sleeping with others will always leave both of you open to developing feelings for other partners. Sex bonds us to others and casual sex still has its risks. Good luck.

The answer is time. Don't be impatient--it could very well take a year for your W to completely begin getting over the A, though I have heard that some people seem to notice a change for the better at around 6 months. Betrayal is very damaging--as a BS, I know the pain, and a couple of months is unreasonably early for you to be expecting to see changes in your W--it is totally normal for her at this phase to doubt being able to trust you again. That is the kind of damage affairs create.

I cannot believe, after what happened with your affair, that you (or your W) would even be remotely able to entertain the idea of dating others. Both of you know what that type of thinking and acting got you the first time! if you go down that same road again (i.e. dating others--remember you ARE still married!) I believe that you might as well plan on divorcing. After all, who can build trust for another person when they are creating an situation for that person to be out doing God-knows-what with other people?

Dating other people is not going to help your wife begin the recovery and rebuilding process with you. It might dull the pain of what you two are going through somewhat, but that will be temporary, then you will most likely be back to (worse than) Square One. It could very well cause irreparable damage. Is that really want you want? Is that what she wants? You two need to spend some serious time talking about all this and looking at the whole picture, not just how to get a temporary fix because you are both hurting.

Again, I believe that if you guys start "dating" other people:

#1 - It is wrong because you are married (do you really want to cause grief and harm to even more people--such as those you are "dating"??) , and

#2 - Dating other people will most likely cause the demise of your marriage.

Can you think of any reasons how dating other people can build trust between the two of you???

Sarah - I tend to agree re: seeing other people, and for me (like I said), I don't think it would work—if I saw anyone else, chances are I'd get more attached than I wanted to. Even if it was meant to be casual. That seems to be my MO

For her, I think it's more about physical enjoyment (which is what our open arrangement was supposed to be about in the first place). Dating might not be the right word for this.

I think she feels that she didn't violate our agreement, and shouldn't have to punish herself now. But we've also said that if we do get back together, long-term, we'd plan on ending the open status altogether—we don't think it'd work if only one person was "open." Wouldn't be fair or healthy

I am a bit uncomfortable about her seeing other people now, in whatever capacity, because I feel like compared to me (and the harm I've done) they're going to look great and I'm going to lose my W. But I also don't feel like I'm in a position to tell her what to do at all, especially when it comes to involvement with the opposite sex—I was the guy who just had an affair, after all!

This part is all very confusing to me—I want to let my W be herself, because I hurt her and she deserves to heal on her own. But I also have needs/desires in all of this...

This is why you two need to look at the entire picture together and examine the type of damage that might very well happen, and also any reasons either of you have for believing that dating might help heal your marriage. This is not about you telling your W what to do or what not to do, though you do have the right to ask her to be faithful to you if you promise the same. And yes, you have that right, even though you strayed. Have you asked for her forgiveness? IMHO, that is the way to rebuild trust--to remain committed to each other and the marriage, not to run off and jump into other "relationships" that will push you further apart, in addition to potentially causing pain/heartache in other people's lives. She is married to you, you to her, and with that does come some accountability and cooperation with each other. I think you two have learned that open relationships are problematic, at best. You guys do not do well with that type of arrangement. You guys need to work at finding physical enjoyment with each other!! Geez!!

Another question---if either or both of you start dating, what kind of trustworthiness do you expect to find in AP's who are willing to date people that are married? Will being around that sort of people help either of you learn anything about trust? Oh what a tangled web we weave....

As far as your needs/desires....as hard as it may be, you need to put those on the back burner and really work hard at repairing the damage that was created by the betrayal before expecting those needs to be met. This takes time. A lot of time. You appear to have some trouble being patient. Do you think you are causing your W to feel pressured? If you have, perhaps that is why she feels the need to run to someone else---and that will not have a good outcome.

You are right--your W deserves to heal on her own--dating will only distract her from the real issues, dull her pain (which will keep her from really healing), and potentially cause irreparable damage to your marriage. It is erroneous of her to think that staying faithful and working on your marriage is punishing herself. It is about rebuilding trust that she has lost. She needs to be able to trust again, with or without you, and distracting herself with random physical enjoyment from other men is not going to help with that.

Perhaps you two should discuss this plan with your counselor! I think you are headed for disaster.

JustDrifting - Yes she did have sex w/ people b/c of our open status, best as I know (part of our deal was that we didn't talk about it or ask about it...it was just what it was. But implicitly, yes I'm aware of her being w/ other people)

Her issue is me lying and deceiving her so badly...she felt that in an open relationship like ours, we should be able to trust each other and talk about issues we were having. I did the opposite. Plus, some of the things I texted the AP were pretty heavy emotionally (thing like "I'd run away with you," etc...). In hindsight, I was just saying things to stoke the flames of this relationship, and I didn't really mean anything...my brain was going crazy and things were coming out. But my W is worried that my lying and deceit point to a bigger issue, and this might not be an isolated incident (I firmly believe it will be). She just doesn't think she can trust me going forward

I am reading your story and as a person who had a long-term affair (not proud of that at ALL), I have to say that I think it is a very slippery slope with the "open marriage" thing. Obviously, you are at risk to "fall" for someone and care about them far more than just sexually. Even though you both agreed to this, it is the risk you take.......caring for someone else that you may not get out of your head or be able to get over. Just my thoughts. I know my AP told me I was his soulmate, etc. and that I was the love of his life, etc.. He is still married and having an affair with someone else he works with-this after I broke it off with him after a long-term affair. So, I am pretty much doubting the soulmate thing. It was the rush, the addiction to that kind of risky behavior. He told me he would never love anyone the way he loved me. We both stayed in our marriages and I told him I couldn't see him anymore and that I had to try to get over him. Long story short he moved on VERY quickly when he wasn't getting what he wanted. Just a thought, but you might really stop and evaluate why you are doing what you are doing. The problem with all of this is that someone is probably going to get hurt more than they already have-probably your wife. Also, if you lead this OW on and play into this do you really think it will pan out in the long run? Just my thoughts, but take it from someone who really screwed up and wished they had never gone down such a horrible path.

atmylowest - Thanks for your feedback, and I hope things are going OK for you these days.

Funny thing is, I think part of why we mutually agreed upon the open relationship idea is that we thought it could remove "cheating" as a potential problem! In other words, we felt that so many couples get so torn up by their spouses having sex with other people, but why? Sexual attraction to others is natural...so we thought it could be healthy to act on that natural urge and not be jealous/hurt by it.

However, at least for me, this was a naive plan. When I was intimate physically w/ someone for the first time under our open relationship, my brain went wild and the OW was all I could think about. This led me down a destructive path. So yes, very "slippery slope," at least for me, when it comes to open relationships. I hope my W sees that I will never do these harmful things again if I rid myself of the idea of an open relationship and dedicate myself to not being physically intimate (and going down the "slippery slope") w/ ppl outside of my W

Mike, you said--
"Plus, some of the things I texted the AP were pretty heavy emotionally (thing like "I'd run away with you," etc...). In hindsight, I was just saying things to stoke the flames of this relationship, and I didn't really mean anything...my brain was going crazy and things were coming out."

The fact that you said this indicates that you and your W might need to learn about Dopamine and neurotransmitters and flame addiction. This type of behavior went on with my boyfriend when he cheated, and learning about these things helped me immensely and increased my understanding of how seemingly good people can let things get out of control. Understanding these things also helped me to trust him again.

Thanks, Sarah. I believe you suggested something similar to me the other day, and I did in fact spend a little time looking to Dopamine, etc. And that topic came up last night (I saw my W for a bit at her place). She didn't dismiss it, and seems to understand that "good people can let things get out of control.' Her issue now is whether she thinks I'll ever let it get out of control again, and how patient/trusting she can be. As she's said a few times, she's not sure if she "has the time" to wait and see what I'll do. That hurts, but I understand as well--she's a very driven, successful person, and she might not be the type to put up with this kind of stuff from me

I am glad to hear that you are rethinking the idea of an open relationship. I agree that sexual attraction to others is natural but acting in those whims is what brought all of us here and we are ALL dealing with the repurcussions if our impulses.

Do you know why your W thinks she does not have the time? Could it be that she is also not being patient? This takes patience on both parts. She has to realize that healing from such a thing does not come quickly---it takes time to rebuild.

I am a driven successful person too, I was a statewide manager for a Fortune 500 company before starting my own business. This is different from business--this is dealing with people's feelings and learning to trust again. Placing a seemingly unattainable deadline on something sometimes can work in business as it can present a challenge and therefore motivate, but on something like this, that is not a good approach. Your W is having a hard time now, as time goes on, she will have some good days and some bad days. It comes and goes for a while. It is painful. What you need to do is do everything in your power to help her trust you again--TOTAL transparency, patience, and nothing but kindness toward her. She needs more than ever to feel that she matters to you.

Mike,
I think you have hit the nail on the head regarding the dopamine and flame addiction. That is exactly what I would describe as far as my experience along with most of the others who cheated. All reason and logic goes out the window and you find yourself doing things, and risking things you would have never dreamed of. I understand the theory surrounding the elimination of the cheating, etc. with an open marriage, but, as you know we are emotional beings and one is really playing Russian Roulette. If anyone would have ever told me that I would have been involved with someone else and done the things that I did I would have told them not in a million years. Sometimes we have to learn these things the hard way.

Atmylowest: I guess so, huh! (Re: learning things the "hard way")

I would've said the same thing: "not in a million years." For 7 years, our relationship has been pretty damn good. Her parents, family and friends like me, I like them. We've had a lot of great moments and memories. Things were good.

I supposed I truly did play Russian Roulette emotionally and happened to stumble upon the bullet in the chamber. I don't want my behavior condoned or accepted (it was sick and hurtful)...I just want forgiveness and a second chance to prove I will learn from my mistake

I think you will get that forgiveness and a second chance if both of you can be very patient, both with each other and yourselves. :-)