Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
One of the hardest parts about being a vile cheater is that I have no one to talk to. I just wanted to come on here vomit up my situation to relieve some of the pent up sickness in my belly...
My situation is not unique in any way. I love one man and I'm IN love with another. My AP is also married, albeit unhappily. He entertains the idea of leaving his wife from time to time, and while this is a fun fantasy to indulge in, and it is definitely something that I dream about, I don't really want it. I truly love my husband, but I'm addicted to the drama of my AP. I often consider leaving my AP to enjoy a stress-free, simple life with my husband, but it would feel like I'd be killing a huge part of my soul, like I'd be resigning myself to a slow burning death. I know I should just "get a hobby" or "find something fulfilling" to help me get over him and fill the void, but it's obvious how trite, patronizing and unhelpful this advice is. The truth is that my AP makes me feel alive like no other "hobby" or "fulfilling thing". Sure, we could just keep each other on the side and stay in this crazy rollercoaster forever, but every time we meet is a risk to our marriages. I realize that the risk is, in itself, a part of what makes the affair so exhilarating, but it's aging me. It's fucking stressful. I couldn't imagine breaking my husbands heart if he found out, but nor can I imagine losing my AP and the thrills he offers.
If anyone can relate or offer any words of advice, I'd love to hear from you <3
2. Not having anyone to talk to about this is really hard. It's awful. I'm 2 years out and I still haven't told anyone. My husband has, but I haven't. I talk to my therapist and on here and that is about it. It is really difficult, so feel free to write away. There were regulars on here 2 years ago, but most of them are either gone or quiet....which seems to include the BSs that used to comment (some helpful, some just bitter (and that was helpful in its own way ....like, if you're miserable with your sorry loser of a cheating spouse then why are you staying and why are you just chastizing people on here? Go and make changes and live your life how you want to live your life.)
3. I had a DDday, I didn't get to decide if or how I would tell my husband. Truth is that my AP and I really just wanted us all to start a commune, but of course, our spouses are people, too, and they have a role in the decision making process and that was not going to be their style! ;) So, we were a bit weird in that way, but also no different than other typical affairs. If you feel like staying with your husband will be like a "slow burning death", well, then that is a problem. Figure out why that is, get to the bottom of that and address it. Maybe that means ending yoru affair for period of time so you can focus with a clear head on whether you really want to stay in your marriage. Love is great, but love alone or an incomplete kind of love doesn't make one fulfilled.
4. I have a similliar issue in my marriage. I lvoe my husband, but struggle to be "in love" with him and I. always. have. So, what do I do? Turns out that a few months after my d-day I saw a person reading a real, physical book in public and it was called "ethical slut" (the title, I later learned, was intentional, to try to reclaim a negative word). And I discovered (for myself) the concept of polyamory - I read the summary of the book, and then recently read the intro and found that the philosophy of life and loving helped me make sense of myself. and to be clear, it is NOT a rule book or permission slip or a guidebook for cheating. Not. at. all. A person could chose to be monogamous and still identify with polyamorous way of being and loving and approaching the world. It was very interesting. Maybe that woudl make sense to you? It helped me understand myself better, and I only cheated once and would never do it again, but the book made sense for me. Just an idea, take it or toss it.
5. The story of my affair wasn't the straightforward normal version, per se. It was a complicated emotional development, that ultimately made me realize I found a kindred spirit and that I was "in love" and did love my AP in a bizarre, (even stupidly perhaps?) unconditional way. "giving him up" tore me apart, but I also couldn't break up my family. It was a thrill, I felt more alive, I felt like a teenager with the world at my footsteps, but it was much more than that since he was a friend, counselor, mentor, teacher, lover, support, etc. So, maybe my experience isn't so analogous to yours afterall, but I am tempted to have the more "picture perfect (but don't look below the surface)" life with my husband. Though he is so broken from all this, and so am I, that I don't know if that is best for either of us anymore. IN fact, I actually don't think that staying together is the best thing for us anymore, but next steps and how to do that change are daunting and hard to imagine or figure out. In your case, you identify this charade as stressful, though exhiliarating. I think you came on here to talk, but also maybe for some feedback? The stress is wearing you out, and you need to ask yourself if this is what you want? And then ask what it is that you want. Ask if your husband is happy? He can't be completely clueless that something is up with you, and if he is, well, then that may be its own line of questions.
I hope my sharing helped you some, and let me know if you want to keep talking. I'll try to keep up on the posts, but I don't get notifications when responses are made on these things so I might miss it. Best to you. Good luck.