I've been there. Living a secret life. Living in a fantasy world. Addicted to the attention of multiple men. It's toxic. It's so hard to stop. BUT not impossible. I did it. I haven't talked to my A since April 2016. I hated the lying and anxiety about being found out. So freeing to let it all go. I'm healthier emotionally and physically. Recovery is possible. Hugs

I am so sorry sweetie, I can identify with a lot of what you described. You deserve better than this. Whether it's with your husband or someone entirely different, you deserve to be happy and this guy sounds like a toxic situation. For him to ask if you'd be his consolation prize if his relationship with his girlfriend doesn't work out? You deserve better. If he wants to be with you, he can make that decision but that's not what he's described. You are still very young and have many years ahead. I don't think FWB is what you need, or if it's even possible.

My advice to you is advice I wish I'd taken ten years ago when I was in a similar situation to yours. Take a good look at your marriage and if it's not right for you, end it now. Life will only get more complicated if you continue down this path and you will only end up getting more hurt and hurting your partner as well.

I can relate a lot to this. My situation is similar. Going on for years, can't stand the anxiety and guilt that comes with the double life. Can't seem to break either. I agree with dsj that FWB is not possible. My advice would be to get out at the soonest opportunity and never look back. It doesn't matter if he's using or you or not. Who knows. The point is it is a toxic relationship and nothing good is likely to come of it. Or if something good does come with it, it will be mixed with an unbelievable amount of bad. Affairs are mostly bullshit.

thank you so much for all of your responses. I didn't think of it as an affair until just recently. I always saw it as FWB just two friends having a good time and then moving on but then years passed and attachments were made and here we are. It's definitely an affair. I know the best thing to do is to end it but I'm having such a hard time letting go of him. I have this stupid hope that we'll be together but I don't even know if that's what I really want. I love my husband he's my best friend and I can't imagine losing him. I'm torn. I feel differently about both of them and have a pull to both of them. This guy would probably be complexly ok with keeping it how it is for god knows how long, but for me I'm just sick of the lying and double life. I want to give one person my all instead of two different people different parts of me. I want to be happy and with this guy it's only temporary happiness. I'll feel gratification in the moments when I interact with him but then it's back to reality and he's almost home so obviously can't talk anymore or he blocks me for days/weeks with no real reason. Then I feel depressed and hurt - between feeling rejected by him and accepting him back when he comes back and spending my time upset about something when I should he giving my husband my everything. I hate that I've let this person matter almost as much as my husband. It's awful. I don't know what's wrong with me.

^ I think you've answered what you need to do. Believe me, I know what you're going through. I'm letting go of a 9-year long 'friendship' with benefits. It's never simple and never worth it. Let him go and move on with your husband; or don't and leave your marriage. Living in limbo won't do your sanity any favors.

I just want to take you, sit you down with some warm tea, and give you a hug and tell you......
No matter what this relationship is with this guy, FWB, affair...anything....this human being treats you like shit and you are so much more valuable than this. How dare any man treat a woman like this, especially a woman that opens herself up sexually to him. Your body is worth more than this.
He tells you to stay on hold in case his relationship with his gf/fiancé/whatever she is doesn't work out? Really? So you are the backup plan?
And he BLOCKS you for weeks at a time......he BLOCKS you.....so he is telling you 'I don't have time for you and no matter what is going on in your life I don't want to hear it'. Nice guy.

Can I just say.....if you are going to an affair......and all that entails......lying, cheating, risk, etc......can you at least do it with someone that treats you good, who lifts you up, supports you? This guy is using you big time. Feel better about yourself.

Ok, now that rant is done, moving forward, if you are doing this only 3 years into your marriage- is this marriage something you really want. He may be a good guy, he may love you...and all that is wonderful....but do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Would he want to spend the rest of his life with you if he knew of this situation. Again, I've have more affairs than I care to admit in a time period that dates you back to grammar school.......and you know we can sit here and bitch and complain and say whoa-is-me....but all they are doing.....and this is it....they are only masking something lying in front of you/us that we refuse to deal with.

PS.....Oh and yep, done the FWB thing, too........once one person falls in love, the 'friend' part of FWB is no longer applicable.

I wish everyday that if I had to cheat it would be with someone great that respects me and treats me good, but then I think wait is that even possible? Is it possible for the other guy to be decent and respectful? Maybe I'm so used to how this is that I can't see any different. For me it's a constant battle. He'll block me for weeks and then I'll realize how terrible he is to me and how I shouldn't waste anymore time engaging in something that isnt beneficial to me and loving someone when I know they don't feel the same way. And then he'll text me and all those realizations I've had go away. I believe his excuses (skeptically) and I put myself back into it. I let him get away with it when I really don't want to let him get away with it I'm just afraid to lose him. I don't know why. I'm not a stupid person either. I was so naive thinking we could actually be friends with benefits, but we're not even friends because a friend wouldn't do that to the other person. I'm just a girl he's using. I'm nothing special to him. I feel so much for him and I just don't think it's fair. All the risk and deception for nothing. What am I actually getting in return? This feels like it's getting worse everyday and I'm having such a hard time getting out of it. I'm back and forth.

So here's an update to my situation. Lately I've been feeling upset because the whole cheating thing is getting to be too much to handle especially since I love another guy that I'll never be able to be with. such a waste of my time. So we get into a fight yesterday and I go off on him about how it's too much for me to handle and how he doesn't care. Well I'm sending text after text freaking out because he's not answering. So finally I'm like listen I trying to talk to you about something so I say again that this situation is too much to handle and he says yeah I agree we should stop because you overreact and are too emotional. Obviously I wouldn't have become emotional if he didn't lead me on for all this time. You don't just develop random feelings for someone it's got to be something they're doing or making you think. I tell him all this and he can't believe I'm blaming this whole thing on him and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I finally tell him I'm going to therapy because of how bad he messed me up and he says that I'm already messed up and he didn't do anything and he's never disrespected me which is a lie. He says that I can blame him all he wants but he's not arguing with me anymore and doesn't hate me but he's 100% done. So of course he twists that on me being the bad guy that blamed him and freaked out on him. I keep saying I'm sorry (because I'm an idiot) but he ignores me and finally blocks me. At this point I'm really upset so I call my friend and she tells me that he talked to her about me and said these horrible things about me. How I'm a psycho whore that's obsessed with having sex with him and that he moved to Florida to start over and never had any intention of me visiting him. I'm hysterically because I can't believe this. This whole thing was a lie. He lied and manipulated me from the very beginning. I should have known better everyone kept warning me about him. This guy that I trusted and loved and risked everything pretty much can't stand me and thinks I'm grimy. He's a totally different person when I talk to him. So at this point I feel like I'm gonna have a mental breakdown. He still has me blocked and I don't know where to go from here. I'm at such a loss. Why can't I just accept that he thinks this way and block him? In a way I want to be able to tell him it's over and tell him I know everything just so I at least have some control over this. Advice anyone please?

Hello Sarbear,
Your situation sounds incredibly hard, but not hopeless. It sounds like you never got a chance to really experience how awesome marriage can be since you started this outside relationship so close to when you got married. You seem to have already found the best way to handle it by breaking it off with the other guy and focusing your efforts on your Husband and family. I would begin there, and then straight out with the truth. Prepare yourself for what may come...marriage is already a battlefield, with the world's temptations and "new" family dynamics, that divorce may seem like the only answer, but it's NOT! Marriage counseling, individual counseling, and recommitting everything you have back into your marriage is an awesome way to start on the road to rebuilding trust and reestablishing the vows you took on that special day. Marriage is a lifetime with your best friend and I am praying that you can find a way to help repair this little tear in your union.