Hello everyone. This is my first time posting, so please take it easy on me. I could really use an objective perspective right now. Let me first start off saying I am a selfish fool and that's putting it mildly. My live-in girlfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me over 2 weeks ago while I was out of town on business and I don't blame her. I was her first real boyfriend and this was her first real long term relationship. Before all of this, we have had many conversations about getting married and having kids together. Prior to me she had guys the were more flings and or ended because they cheated on her or she was unknowingly the other woman. You see, she and I have been having a rough go at it to get on the same page in the area of intimacy for over a year or so. Outside of the intimacy issues, everything was good. We'd have arguments about it about every 2-3 weeks about her difficulty to open up and willing to explore more to keep things fresh for us. She began to meet with a sex therapist to address her difficulty in this area. After a while, I started to pull away and wasn't showing her the affection that I used to show her. Even when she got to the point where she suggested something new, I was already too fargone down the rabbit hole of resentment and anger and it began spilling over into the areas of the relationship that was once great. She started to have this gut feeling that something wasn't right and began looking through my emails while I was out of town. She found inappropriated emails between another woman that was off and on for the past year and saw that I reopened my Tinder account (which I quickly closed after opening and never corresponded with anyone). I knew this woman before I entered a relationship with my girlfriend and she sent me an email out of the blue after years of not talking. I shared I was in a relationship and having we were having difficulties. I should have never confided in this woman, but I just couldn't bring it up again with my girlfriend and start another arguement. The email convos eventually went from I wrongly perceived as harmless to more sexual in nature, including pictures/videos. After discovering this, my girlfriedd stated that the combination of all of the arguments that we've been having with the  emails she found was it fr her and she was defeated and heartbroken. She moved out by the time I retured home. 

Before she left town to go spend time with her family in Seattle she agreed to meet with me face-to face. During that meeting we both agreed we had some fundamental issues in this area we couldn't work out together and needed to address it on our own with our therapists. With everything that has taken place we still embraced, kissed and expressed our profound love for one another. I told her that dispite our fundamental differences, I was completely wrong for emailing that other woman and that it wasn't her fault at all. It was solely on me. I asked her if she would be returning or moving back to Minneapolis and her response was "I don't know". I asked if/when I could ever reach out to her again and she responded with "I don't know...maybe around December or January".

That following Saturday, she had a FaceTime session with my two kids (4 & 6 yrs old) and I to explain why she wouldn't be around like she usually is. My daugter asked her when she would be returning and she stated "I don't know". We tearfully ended the FaceTime session and I immediately sent her a long email apologizing for my actions and sharing how much I regret what I did to hurt her. Little did I know, she was blocking me on all of the social networks, text, phone and possibly email around the same time. So, I don't know if she ever received the email or not. 

I know what I did was extremely hurtful to her and her family. It really kills me to think of the pain that I have caused her. I betrayed her trust and her heart in the most henious way possible. I have begun counseling to address the issues that I have contributed to the relationship (i.e. letting go of past hurts) and my therapist mentioned that she felt there was real value in hearing her side of things. So, I did reach out to her by Instagram Direct Message  to welcome her to share her perspective via phone at my next session and it does show that she has seen it. She has yet to respond. I fear that I have lost her for good, but I pray to God that I haven't. 

I'd appreciate any insights you all may have to share. Thanks in advance.