Start reading the chumplady.com, her blog, her books.
Maybe he has changed. Maybe he hasn't.
Can you handle it if he starts cheating again after you've taken him back?

I think it depends upon whether or not he did any real work on himself to understand what led him to cheat. You might consider a few counseling sessions with him now, before deciding whether or not to reconcile. If he doesn't know what he found lacking in his life, and if he doesn't want to set boundaries that would preserve a monogamous relationship, I think it's a risk for you. I truly believe I will never cheat again, and it took therapy to say that with confidence.

Personally (and I know I am not her target audience), I don't find Chump Lady to be helpful or accurate. Not everyone who cheats is one particular type of person. Actual therapists and psychologists would tend not to agree with her sweeping advice. Take her with a grain of salt.

Thank you gravinggirl. We have been separated for almost a year and despite his relapse he seems to be coming to terms with what he did. Why it remains hard to isolate one thing in particular, he was unhappy with himself and our marriage was becoming distant and then the OW came onto him pretty strong. I have always been the more successful in our marriage and his ego took a lot of bruising not being the primary bread winner. I think timing and weakness converged and affair happened. Now that he has lived without me all this time he says he has come to appreciate me more. I do think sex with a younger very beautiful woman who looks up to him has been a difficult lure for him(thus the relapse w her).
He also keeps saying if he wanted her he would be with her, there is nothing stopping him and she wants him. I assume that logic holds up? Does it?

He has his own T but we are going to start going together.

I don't prescribe to all of Chumpladys thinking, but she is helpful in some regards, mostly helping me find some backbone and toughness vs. being a sobby mess all the time.
Thank you for your insights from the other side, it is very helpful.

I agree with above: find out if he can tell you the root of why he cheated. If not, he should work through it in therapy.

It's not a fast road. Working through infidelity takes time, patience and more friggin' understanding than humanly possible, at times.

But it can be done. Best of luck to you guys!

The signs are that he is truly remorseful and wants to do what it takes to win back your trust. In the end it will require a bit of a leap of faith on your part. You don't have to trust him all at once; let trust rebuild gradually (and understand maybe you will never fully trust him, and let that be ok).

You also have to be able to forgive and he has to be able to demonstrate (not just express) true remorse.

It's a tall order. No wonder so many go the divorce route. But I think it is definitely possible to save your marriage. Both of you will have to work at it. Anything worth doing requires work though. But only you can decide if it's worth it.

I think its key to realize that not everyone cheats for the same reason and not all 'cheaters' and not all "OW/OM" can be lumped in the same pool. Yes, some relationships are for sex, etc. but many develop into a real relationship, with genuine feeling, with genuine love. I learned that its very narrow minded of me to think that there is one person out there for everyone and while some affairs are for company, for sex, for friendship......sometimes you do find someone who you have a deeper connection with. And then, it becomes a choice.

If he has chose you, for whatever reason, I think you probably both need counseling together to learn what happened the first time, to learn how to avoid triggers that may lead to straying (because if you dont' have them in place, history can and does repeat itself-this is one of my tools and even though my A ended over a year ago, I am still tempted......), and learn tools to enhance the marriage between the two you.

Its hard not to let old patterns resurface and you know, I hear the anger and pain of the BS's on this site and others and it really, really is something both of you have to work at. The CS simply cannot do all the work himself, you are setting someone up to fail and if you are forever reminded of your cheating ways and treated like a child then many cheaters do say: "I'm doing the time, I may as well do the crime".

ChumpLady does perpetuate that anger and that all cheaters are forever evil people, right in between her asking for donations to keep up her site. Personally, if I was living with ChumpLady I'd cheat too. Surviving infidelity and Cole's site has a more proactive approach.

Speaking of Cole, yes, he is an excellent example of rebuilding a marriage. In fact, the rebuilding marriage group on here is also an excellent tool.

I know you want a guarantee. You want to be certain. I'm not sure anyone can give you that. But if you both do steps that are proactive in your rebuilding and are committed to that, then I think your chances are much stronger than ever. You know him, trust your gut.

One thing you asked, "He keeps saying if he wants a younger more beautiful woman he could have her, does that logic hold up?" First, is it him using the term 'younger more beautiful'? I doubt it and I hope not, because if he is.....all my answers change and he sounds arrogant. If its YOU using those terms......outer beauty is not a reflection on inner beauty and age is irrelevant when it comes to genuine love. My H is much older than me, my OM was much younger than me. But.....if its you, it may be helpful in rebuilding to gather up some confidence. Confidence in yourself, in your thoughts......

Shoretimenow, my description of younger and more beautiful are my words. What he has said is "if I wanted to be in a relationship with her I would be". She has been very clear she wants him. He has said clearly it was just sex and that he recognizes it is me he wants a real life and future with. My insecurities about the OW overwhelm me sometime (she is 15 years younger than me and is very beautiful - I'm attractive but not to that level). I guess I'm looking to validate that since he isn't coming back to me for money (we both have plenty), he is living on his own, and she is more than available, it says something he still wants to come home to me. But you're right I'm looking for some kind of reassurance and I guess there is none. It is a leap of faith. I am terrified of this happening again.

Thank you all for the insight, it is helpful and you have helped me see if we work on this it can work if we both want it but it won't be easy.

In some regard, it's helpful that his relationship with the OW was able to progress to its natural conclusion. Often times when the A is discovered and the relationship is immediately severed, it can be very hard for the CS to quell the wistful longing for the idealized version of their AP. The addiction to the fantasy compels them to continually return clandestinely to the A. But when the CS chooses to explore the A relationship authentically in earnest, the fog lifts and all the messy realistic qualities of the AP come to light, warts and all. This can allow the CS to see how ill-fitting the relationship is in everyday life and the ending of the A relationship can be deep and lasting. I know this from experience.

It doesn't mean that cheating as a coping strategy has been eliminated. That's a different issue that requires lots of therapy. He may recommit for many years but in hard times revert back to an A with someone new as a crutch. This is not true for everyone. But for some, it is. There's no guarantee.