Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I'm the guy who was in an open relationship but went way too far. Full story, if you'd like: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous/discussions/messages/20693287)
Living separate from my W and working on R, but I'm really scared that it's not going to work. She told me a few weeks ago that she was seeing someone else casually. She's still making an effort to see me (MC and dates), but I'm feeling like she's slipping away...and that she's OK with it, especially given that she's seeing someone. I frankly am not even 100% sure what I want, but I feel like I want her in my life. Just don't know if that will be reality.
On Saturday, I decided to take another girl out for drinks. Maybe hearing my W was seeing someone casually got me thinking, like I don't want to sit around in limbo if she's not. Anyways, this girl is close friends with one of my best guy friends. They're not dating now (and I don't think they ever officially did), but I believe they did fool around some in the past. This guy friend did also recently start seeing someone else.
This guy friend joined this girl and I later in the evening, unexpected to me. Afterwards, I texted him and said I hope it was cool that I asked her out for drinks and if it wasn't. I was sorry. He said he wasn't mad, but he felt like a heads up would have been nice, and he thought the timing was odd too (he starts seeing this other girl, I ask out his good friend for drinks soon after). He also said if I was trying to be more than friends with this girl it might be awkward for all of us, given their past.
I apologized and said I wasn't trying to cause any trouble. Told him I'm just in a weird place right now and don't really know what I want or what I'm doing. He said we're cool, and I believe him, but I still can't help but feel like a shitty friend right now (in addition to feeling like a shitty husband).
I think what pisses me off the most about myself is that I felt so compelled to rush into asking a girl out for drinks. Like I'm so weak that I needed validation from the opposite sex at all costs. That's the same shit that got me in trouble in the first place...
I don't plan on asking this girl out again (I don't want to risk one of my best male friendships), but I'm also looking for strength not to ask ANYONE out right now...even if my W is. I feel like I really need some time away from all that, and I need to work on myself right now. Wondering how others have found the strength to "stay away" from dating, etc. and just work on themselves? Would you agree that that's what I need right now?
Living separate from my W and working on R, but I'm really scared that it's not going to work. She told me a few weeks ago that she was seeing someone else casually. She's still making an effort to see me (MC and dates), but I'm feeling like she's slipping away...and that she's OK with it, especially given that she's seeing someone. I frankly am not even 100% sure what I want, but I feel like I want her in my life. Just don't know if that will be reality.
On Saturday, I decided to take another girl out for drinks. Maybe hearing my W was seeing someone casually got me thinking, like I don't want to sit around in limbo if she's not. Anyways, this girl is close friends with one of my best guy friends. They're not dating now (and I don't think they ever officially did), but I believe they did fool around some in the past. This guy friend did also recently start seeing someone else.
This guy friend joined this girl and I later in the evening, unexpected to me. Afterwards, I texted him and said I hope it was cool that I asked her out for drinks and if it wasn't. I was sorry. He said he wasn't mad, but he felt like a heads up would have been nice, and he thought the timing was odd too (he starts seeing this other girl, I ask out his good friend for drinks soon after). He also said if I was trying to be more than friends with this girl it might be awkward for all of us, given their past.
I apologized and said I wasn't trying to cause any trouble. Told him I'm just in a weird place right now and don't really know what I want or what I'm doing. He said we're cool, and I believe him, but I still can't help but feel like a shitty friend right now (in addition to feeling like a shitty husband).
I think what pisses me off the most about myself is that I felt so compelled to rush into asking a girl out for drinks. Like I'm so weak that I needed validation from the opposite sex at all costs. That's the same shit that got me in trouble in the first place...
I don't plan on asking this girl out again (I don't want to risk one of my best male friendships), but I'm also looking for strength not to ask ANYONE out right now...even if my W is. I feel like I really need some time away from all that, and I need to work on myself right now. Wondering how others have found the strength to "stay away" from dating, etc. and just work on themselves? Would you agree that that's what I need right now?
It is really not fair to use another person to fill a void, often you end up just hurting someone else. Your W and you should be focusing on your marriage and trying to save it if that is what both of you want. It does appear that your W might not be so much on board to saving the marriage, and having the man in her life that she is seeing certainly will not bring her closer to you.
My advice is for BOTH of you to stop dating others (you are both still married people, remember). Figure out between the two of you and with your counselor what the outcome will be, then go from there. If either of you needs someone to talk to other than the counselor, do not run to members of the opposite sex for help. That is how EA's get started. Stop weaving the tangled web. Simplify.
I hope my friend and I remain good. Thinking of taking him out for a drink this week and further clearing the air. Letting him know that I'm in a weird place and asking for his support...and forgiveness
I believe I've mentioned on here that I've gotten into meditation. In addition, I've listened to several TED talks from some Buddhist teachers. Some common themes I'm hearing that might help you:
- We have, inside ourselves, all we need to be happy. Outward things (such as a man/woman's attention) might give us short term pleasure, but that can't last and is not true happiness. Happiness is a state of mind, therefore it can't come from outside the mind (I really like that quote...just heard it today)
- Loneliness is OK. We don't have to feel uncomfortable about it. We can train our minds to be calm and content when we're alone (I'm not saying you should leave your H...what I'm saying is that time apart when he's not around can be just you alone, w/o the company of another man, and you can be OK with that. You don't need to fill that void all the time with the company of another)
- The space between thought and action is freedom (another quote I heard recently that I love). Meditation is teaching me to more closely examine my thoughts, right when they enter my head. I'm trying to study them and understand them. So often (and I'm guilty of this), as soon as we think something, we act on it. Feeling bored? Turn on the TV. Feeling alone? Call someone. Etc, etc. Those examples aren't necessarily "bad" actions, but the practice of acting so quickly can be harmful. Like, if you're feeling alone in an emotional/sexual way, and that phone call is made to OW/OM. Sometimes, not acting and just thinking is good. What are these thoughts in my head? How do they make me feel? Can I let them just float away and not "do" anything? It's something I'm working on everyday
Perhaps if you do keep yourself surrounded by people (not women) it will help with any loneliness/void that you might feel.
I admire your commitment to this.
very true.....and in the end, people like this often end up alone and lonely....the key is not not be mindless---the brain should be paramount in the decisions one makes, instead of one's feelings, libido, dopamine, tendency toward allowing manipulation, or neediness!
As a quick update, I talked with this guy friend last night over drinks. He's not mad at me, and he understood what I was saying when I talked about just wanting some female validation because I'm in a weird place right now. We're cool, and I can't see this affecting our friendship long term. I'm feeling good, and am learning so much about myself right now.