Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
i am sure every person who cheated , or almost many said that they didnt mean to cheat. A huge part of me idd not want to or were not even attracted to the person i cheated with.My onlga issue is always that i want to seek external validation from men to feel secure because i lack self worth. I never see the person i cheated with ever again and it always only last a few minutes and most of all doesnt even involve full on intercourse.
I have a hard time saying no and i avoid rejection at all costs. Its as if i dont even have an identity. if a man is being verbally abusive to me, i would allow it and i in some way enjoy it. We have always been in a long distance relationship and we only see each other a few days s every 3 or 4 months. He is very nice though and loving but i was not really loving myself nor was i even sure i wanted to be in a relationship. I always wanted to be in a relationiship without thinking deeply , i wanted any boyfriend anyone who would accept me. I was loving the attention and i couldn't say no to him because he was so in love with me. first time i done my bf wrong was after the first few months of dating.
about two years ago, it was the first time i done my bf wrong was after the first few months of dating. A man was giving me attention and i flirted with him, maybe too aggressively or he mistoke my intention, which was only to flirt and validate the attention he gave me. he took my hand and brought me to the mens washroom. I tried to get out but he stood in the doorway and i didnt have sex with him. I let him touch me and he came on a part of my body. In the end. i was so deseprate i asked him to give me a kiss.
I never told him this. I didnt even think of telling him, i was not purposely hiding, i just wasnt thinking at all. I was deep in my depression and anxiety for at least a decade. I was also preoccupied with a late stage cancer diagnosis of my only close family member.
Fast forward about 8 months later, the only close family member that i love and dependent on the most passed away.
I am alone and i wasnt sure if i wanted to live or die. I still am not sure , especially now. Everyday is a struggle. I started talking to a friend, whom i had recretional sex with when i was single, even though i was never attracted to him , in fact , i didnt want to do anything with him but like i said, i have a very distoreted reality view of myself and others, i had a hard time saying no to any men who showed he is sexually interested in me, I felt like i had to respond to the attention and validation he gave me. So even though i wanted to go ho me, i felt obligated to drive him ho me and we made out in the car. Again there were no full on intercourse, and during this time, perhaps i was in so much grief (i was crying several times a day) , i didnt even think of telling my boyfriend. I convinced myself that if i didnt give head or had intercourse, its not cheating.
After my dog died as well, i felt like i lost my sanity. I was really desperate for any attention and I seeked a man online and i invited him to my home even though i didnt want to, but i was afraid he wont spend anytime with me if i didnt let him. So i ended up giving him a blowjob.
I didnt want any of these men. I never want to do anything with them again, i didnt even want to do anything with them the first time. So its not an affair.
I told my long distance bf finally because i felt like i was putting him at risk of stds and also i felt like i was especially responsible becasue i seeked him out.
He was so loving , he was so mad at me, we almost broke up.
This happened 8 months ago and of course i never cheated on him again, he told me to seek therapy and find out what i truly want. He is a great man a great loving man. I dont have the strength to seek therapy until just recently because of my overwhelming grief and anxiety and fear of simply living on my own.
I only saw him in person for a few days in the past 8 months but I know i would rather die than cheat on him again. But i havent told him the extent of my cheating..A big part of me really dont want becuase of two reasons. It would hurt him even more and he already lived in fear and anger i will cheat on him again, and we have been making progress, i dont want to hurt his ego. Another reason is of course i am scared of losing him,but i know thats the least important issue because its nto about me or what my ego want.
It took me all my strength to get up today and talk to a therapist and she said i have a lack of integrity. I felt like i just want to jump off a bridge. I feel like so low i dont even know if i can get any lower. But maybe its what i need to hear, maybe i need to be condemned . I booked another appoint with her.
I love my boyfriend. I want him to heal. I want to be healed. Should i just tell them all..and if so, how can i do it in a way that doesnt hurt him so much?
I have a hard time saying no and i avoid rejection at all costs. Its as if i dont even have an identity. if a man is being verbally abusive to me, i would allow it and i in some way enjoy it. We have always been in a long distance relationship and we only see each other a few days s every 3 or 4 months. He is very nice though and loving but i was not really loving myself nor was i even sure i wanted to be in a relationship. I always wanted to be in a relationiship without thinking deeply , i wanted any boyfriend anyone who would accept me. I was loving the attention and i couldn't say no to him because he was so in love with me. first time i done my bf wrong was after the first few months of dating.
about two years ago, it was the first time i done my bf wrong was after the first few months of dating. A man was giving me attention and i flirted with him, maybe too aggressively or he mistoke my intention, which was only to flirt and validate the attention he gave me. he took my hand and brought me to the mens washroom. I tried to get out but he stood in the doorway and i didnt have sex with him. I let him touch me and he came on a part of my body. In the end. i was so deseprate i asked him to give me a kiss.
I never told him this. I didnt even think of telling him, i was not purposely hiding, i just wasnt thinking at all. I was deep in my depression and anxiety for at least a decade. I was also preoccupied with a late stage cancer diagnosis of my only close family member.
Fast forward about 8 months later, the only close family member that i love and dependent on the most passed away.
I am alone and i wasnt sure if i wanted to live or die. I still am not sure , especially now. Everyday is a struggle. I started talking to a friend, whom i had recretional sex with when i was single, even though i was never attracted to him , in fact , i didnt want to do anything with him but like i said, i have a very distoreted reality view of myself and others, i had a hard time saying no to any men who showed he is sexually interested in me, I felt like i had to respond to the attention and validation he gave me. So even though i wanted to go ho me, i felt obligated to drive him ho me and we made out in the car. Again there were no full on intercourse, and during this time, perhaps i was in so much grief (i was crying several times a day) , i didnt even think of telling my boyfriend. I convinced myself that if i didnt give head or had intercourse, its not cheating.
After my dog died as well, i felt like i lost my sanity. I was really desperate for any attention and I seeked a man online and i invited him to my home even though i didnt want to, but i was afraid he wont spend anytime with me if i didnt let him. So i ended up giving him a blowjob.
I didnt want any of these men. I never want to do anything with them again, i didnt even want to do anything with them the first time. So its not an affair.
I told my long distance bf finally because i felt like i was putting him at risk of stds and also i felt like i was especially responsible becasue i seeked him out.
He was so loving , he was so mad at me, we almost broke up.
This happened 8 months ago and of course i never cheated on him again, he told me to seek therapy and find out what i truly want. He is a great man a great loving man. I dont have the strength to seek therapy until just recently because of my overwhelming grief and anxiety and fear of simply living on my own.
I only saw him in person for a few days in the past 8 months but I know i would rather die than cheat on him again. But i havent told him the extent of my cheating..A big part of me really dont want becuase of two reasons. It would hurt him even more and he already lived in fear and anger i will cheat on him again, and we have been making progress, i dont want to hurt his ego. Another reason is of course i am scared of losing him,but i know thats the least important issue because its nto about me or what my ego want.
It took me all my strength to get up today and talk to a therapist and she said i have a lack of integrity. I felt like i just want to jump off a bridge. I feel like so low i dont even know if i can get any lower. But maybe its what i need to hear, maybe i need to be condemned . I booked another appoint with her.
I love my boyfriend. I want him to heal. I want to be healed. Should i just tell them all..and if so, how can i do it in a way that doesnt hurt him so much?
I can see where you're coming from. I can relate to the self esteem issues. I'm easily persuaded to make decisions I know I shouldn't make, which perpetuates the self-loathing.
Get good therapy. Journal. Hang in there and try to work towards loving yourself, so you can love your boyfriend. :)
You are not a bad person. You took a step in the right direction to acknowledge the problem and get assistance.
I agree with P&D, not all therapists are for everyone..... Like doctors sometimes you need a second opinion, talk to her about it, how she made you feel, and what her treatment plan is on your road to self actualization.
Find another therapist. One that understands. Good luck to you.
I tell it like it is, that's who I am, I'm a straight shooter. I don't sugar-coat, and I don't insult or bash others when their opinion differs from mine. Everyone has good qualities, that's a given, but cheating is not one of them, and I don't believe you or anyone else, betrayed or cheated, would want to be deceived. Integrity is the act of being honest, and her therapist was trying to point that out, something that is vital in the therapy process.
Let the poster take the comment for what it is. There's no need to disqualify others because of a bias.
I wish you well.
I think we come here for support and we all know as well cheatung is unacceptable.
Anyways. I am struggling with alot of grief and shame. Ii struggle if i should told him everything and perhaps even selfishlessly hurt him even more for my own sense of shame or if i should just live with the shame. I am not sure both options are appealing to me. The third option is to let him go. I dont want to do that either. I feel like thetes no way out.
With all that said. I am toppled with an overwhelming sense if emptyiness and grief.
I am completely devastated because my mother passed away. I find it exceedingly hard to cope with daily life alone.
I know no one has the so called right answer but i just hope i can gain some encouragements.
I was talking to another clinic fir therapist and they charge 165 dollar an hour. How much therapy do i need and can i even pay for it. I found it hard to even get up. I wonder if there is a way where bith my boyfriend and i can heal.
I dont even need to have him. I just want him to heal and be happy. I want to be healed without the relentless self condemnation because i can bately deal with my grief.
Thanks for reading..
Nothing is straight about the problems we face.
Get your fix elsewhere. Leave.
If you want to salvage your relationship then only you know whether he can handle being told or not.
I for one know that if I do, the M is over. Therefore my choices are more clear cut. I wish you well friend. Hang in there and you've done a strong thing by seeking out support.
Projecting? Paleeze! Quit projecting your H's problems onto everyone here! I'm quite comfortable in my skin & and in my life right now. We CS's know exactly where Sorry is coming from....YOU DON'T!!!!
What I said is fact.....you are a BS, right? You do feel all CS's are pretty much the same, right? When you comment to a newbie to this site, please state you are a BS. And BTW....I was a BS before a CS.
To Sorryidid, good therapists don't all charge high fees. Depending on where you live, some psychology schools often have a graduate program, where their grads offer therapy at greatly discounted rates. These graduate therapists often have their own websites where you can peruse their information and see a photo of them, including their rates, and an opportunity to email them with your questions, before going in to see them. Also check the Psychology Today website, they have a thorough referral program listing psychologists by state and city.
Therapy is a great tool to help you make sense of what you're going through. It's a lengthy process and requires weekly meetings, but you will see benefits almost immediately after commencing your sessions. It can be painful at times, but if you stick with it, you'll gain much perspective on your thoughts and how they affect your well-being. Therapy will help you see all of your options, not just the one or two you believe exist. Discussing them with a professional will relieve a lot of the anxiety you might be experiencing, and open up a stream of possibilities. You're not alone, and we are all people, it doesn't matter where we've come from, we all make mistakes, and we all deserve to be happy.
Grief is not a place where you or anyone can make good decisions from, the sooner you can absolve that grief, the sooner you'll be on your way to making things better for the both of you. You may have cheated but you are a good person, thoughtful and loving, and very capable of making things happen without catastrophic results. My husband made it through, I made it through, and so will you and your partner.
I wish you well.