Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
A little over two weeks ago I made a huge horrible mistake that I instantly regretted. I cheated on my boyfriend of 6 months. It was with a nurse at a clinic I'm a patient at..the whole thing lasted literally about a minute and ever since ive been eating away with guilt. I want to tell my boyfriend but i know without a doubt it would end us and I can't deal with that because I learned that I truly truly love him. I dont really have a reason for why i did what I did. Sometimes I feel like i did it because I feel dead inside from dealing with nearly 20 years of beimg sick and im only 28. I want to forgive myself for what i did and commite 400% to my boyfriend. But i feel like any sort of happiness I do have around my boyfriend im no longer allowed to feel. Like i really dont deserve to be happy with him after what i did. I ended whatever it was with my nurse and am in the process of switching clinics. I once asked him how he felt about cheating too and he said he already forgot about it. Which tells me he has no guilt whatsoever. Meanwhile, its all i can think about. Over and over again. I can't help beat myself up over it. Some people say its better not to tell and live with the guilt because its not worth hurting your significant other if you never plan on doing it again (and I definitely don't!!) And the majority says to tell but then the people who do tell instantly regret it because most cases a relationship can't be saved. I feel like god hates me and will never forgive me for what ive done. This was my 1st time doing something like this and i hate myself so much for it. This will be something I have tp live with for the rest of my life whether I tell my boyfriend or not. They say telling will never really relieve how guilty you feel. I really hate myself.
"Ultimately only you can decide the next step" and she puts it well,
You need to get rid of the guilt eventually with or without him, whether or not you tell him.
"i really dont deserve to be happy with him after what i did." Are you completely sure? Are you sure about 'never' ? I disagree. You deserve to be happy even though you made a mistake, you still deserve to be happy.
You also wrote, " he already forgot about it. Which tells me he has no guilt whatsoever". You're gonna need to keep an eye on him. He's probably just like me. That would suggest you're better off with someone else.
If you're sure you can't be happy either way with him then you should leave whether you tell him or not.
If you want to stay with him you can choose to tell him. If it ruins your relationship you are not any worse off than not being happy now. OR if it helps the relationship and your feelings then you might have a path back to something healthy.
My opinion after all these options is this: Sounds to me like you want it to work. Confess at a church but not to him. Now that you’ve admitted your mistake you don’t have to do it again and you’ve defined what hurts. Know where he is at any given time but trust yourself to do right. Let go of the guilt, you don’t deserve that. Be good to yourself and find a way to accept it and move on.
Your boyfriend deserves to know who he is involved with so if you decide to continue the relationship then he has the right to know and decide if he wants to continue with you.
I would agree that if you would rather just break up and let him go free then not telling him might save him the hurt if it is ending anyways. Dating relationships ending at 6 months just happens anyways.
I would suggest that you aren't at a maturity level right now to be in a monogamous relationship have a lot of issues to work through before you can be a supportive partner for someone. It may be best to go it alone and work on yourself before starting another relationship.
Happiness isn't something we deserve or do not deserve. It is a state of contentment. Some are content with little and some can never be content even if they have a lot. Only a perspective change will affect how you feel about your circumstances whatever they may be.