Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
The past week has been an emotional roller coaster.
I've been seeing a therapist for maybe 6 months because I wanted help and support leaving the relationship- my best friend and lover. He does something called EMDR therapy which I highly recommend. Last weekend he showed me this book called The Power of Personality Types in Love and Relationships. At first I rolled my eyes at it but then he had me take the personality test focusing only on my relationship self and not my whole self. It became very clear in reading the questions that I was a completely different person in my relationship than I am in my life. It hit me really hard that I was not being authentic to who I am. I lost myself and realized I didn't know who I am anymore.
We had already agreed to slow things down (him reluctantly) because I didn't feel the cold turkey method would work as it hasn't in the past. I also wanted him to have more time with the therapist he (finally!) had just begun seeing.
We slowed down from 1-2x a week to once every other week and he tried to break that and I reminded him gently of our agreement. We had some emotional emails flying back and forth with me telling him how much pain I'm in and him pouting saying and not acknowledging my pain and his last email before my reply was "I don't know how to make it better, I dont know what to do."
So here my was my response:
"It seems to me that you don't actually want to do anything but find a way to stop me from moving on with my life.
And you don't want me to do anything and keep things the same and continue to have me waiting around for you in our little bubble where I continue to put my life on hold and wait around for you to maybe show up or maybe not and be satisfied with a part time secret relationship that won't go anywhere. You want me to continue to sacrifice my chance to be happy with someone else who wants all of me and not just the parts that you choose.
Never mind that it's torture for me to know that you have a wife. That you have a woman in your bed. That you kiss someone else and have sex with someone else and love someone else and have a whole life with someone else.
And I have been letting my life pass me by and spent all of my 30s and part of my 20s feeling very connected yet very lonely with you.
I'm 40. I don't want to continue to spend my life alone. I don't want to struggle with dating because I feel like I'm cheating on someone who was never even loyal to me.
And what about you? Don't you deserve better? Don't you deserve to be happy and not sneak around and have to worry about two women? Two women....you are so lucky to find two women who love you. Some people never find one. I'm sure you must feel terrible looking at your wife and lying about what you're doing after work. And maybe you justify it because your needs are somehow met between the both of us and you don't have to confront whatever is lacking in your marriage I don't know. Or maybe it's what you're lacking in yourself that you get from me. But I'm not your other half I'm not the one who should make you whole.
She is the lucky one. She has you and your kids and a life with you. She is the one you will grow old with and travel with and buy a house with and have memories and grandchildren with. She is the one you will continue to build a life with. Let her stay lucky and let her never find out that you had me during most of your relationship. The truth can only stay hidden for so long before her woman's intuition kicks in and she starts investigating. And as much as you don't want to hurt me you definitely would be hurting more people more severely by hurting her.
You know all of this. I'm not helping you by enabling you and I'm not helping me by continuing to pretend everything is okay.
It's not okay. I'm in a great deal of pain and it's not okay.
But better I am in pain than you and your entire family.
So let me have my pain and let me go pick up the pieces.
If you can't help me end this gradually then end it now.
Please I am begging you I can't go on like this I just can't. "
So last night....he came over and we talked and cried and ended it. I'm still very emotional of course but I also have a sense of relief.
I'm looking forward to rebuilding and finding myself again.
I've been seeing a therapist for maybe 6 months because I wanted help and support leaving the relationship- my best friend and lover. He does something called EMDR therapy which I highly recommend. Last weekend he showed me this book called The Power of Personality Types in Love and Relationships. At first I rolled my eyes at it but then he had me take the personality test focusing only on my relationship self and not my whole self. It became very clear in reading the questions that I was a completely different person in my relationship than I am in my life. It hit me really hard that I was not being authentic to who I am. I lost myself and realized I didn't know who I am anymore.
We had already agreed to slow things down (him reluctantly) because I didn't feel the cold turkey method would work as it hasn't in the past. I also wanted him to have more time with the therapist he (finally!) had just begun seeing.
We slowed down from 1-2x a week to once every other week and he tried to break that and I reminded him gently of our agreement. We had some emotional emails flying back and forth with me telling him how much pain I'm in and him pouting saying and not acknowledging my pain and his last email before my reply was "I don't know how to make it better, I dont know what to do."
So here my was my response:
"It seems to me that you don't actually want to do anything but find a way to stop me from moving on with my life.
And you don't want me to do anything and keep things the same and continue to have me waiting around for you in our little bubble where I continue to put my life on hold and wait around for you to maybe show up or maybe not and be satisfied with a part time secret relationship that won't go anywhere. You want me to continue to sacrifice my chance to be happy with someone else who wants all of me and not just the parts that you choose.
Never mind that it's torture for me to know that you have a wife. That you have a woman in your bed. That you kiss someone else and have sex with someone else and love someone else and have a whole life with someone else.
And I have been letting my life pass me by and spent all of my 30s and part of my 20s feeling very connected yet very lonely with you.
I'm 40. I don't want to continue to spend my life alone. I don't want to struggle with dating because I feel like I'm cheating on someone who was never even loyal to me.
And what about you? Don't you deserve better? Don't you deserve to be happy and not sneak around and have to worry about two women? Two women....you are so lucky to find two women who love you. Some people never find one. I'm sure you must feel terrible looking at your wife and lying about what you're doing after work. And maybe you justify it because your needs are somehow met between the both of us and you don't have to confront whatever is lacking in your marriage I don't know. Or maybe it's what you're lacking in yourself that you get from me. But I'm not your other half I'm not the one who should make you whole.
She is the lucky one. She has you and your kids and a life with you. She is the one you will grow old with and travel with and buy a house with and have memories and grandchildren with. She is the one you will continue to build a life with. Let her stay lucky and let her never find out that you had me during most of your relationship. The truth can only stay hidden for so long before her woman's intuition kicks in and she starts investigating. And as much as you don't want to hurt me you definitely would be hurting more people more severely by hurting her.
You know all of this. I'm not helping you by enabling you and I'm not helping me by continuing to pretend everything is okay.
It's not okay. I'm in a great deal of pain and it's not okay.
But better I am in pain than you and your entire family.
So let me have my pain and let me go pick up the pieces.
If you can't help me end this gradually then end it now.
Please I am begging you I can't go on like this I just can't. "
So last night....he came over and we talked and cried and ended it. I'm still very emotional of course but I also have a sense of relief.
I'm looking forward to rebuilding and finding myself again.
Hugs, stay strong.