Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I am a BS hoping for advice and insight from the CS perspective. Sorry in advance for the long post....
It's been 14 months since I've learned about my husband’s affair (married 24 years, 2 kids). Since then, he has "ended" it about 9 times, but keeps going back to her. Every time, I've forgiven him. Including this most recent time, about 3 weeks ago. However, he is still talking to her via text, but much less (he says).
I love him and want our marriage to work. I have chosen to forgive the affair. I understand the problems in our marriage that led to his affair and believe we can overcome them and have a good chance of being happy together again. We have always had a strong physical attraction, and (weirdly?) still do.
He says he loves me, never intended to hurt me and is very sorry. He also says he feels trapped, isn’t sure he can get over his feelings for his other woman, and isn’t sure he will be able to reconnect with me, but wants to try. I’m trying to be understanding and kind.
Currently, he is visibly despondent about the loss of her (which isn’t real yet, since they are still communicating).
He has said he feels trapped because he can't deal with the fall out of leaving me, including: doesn't want to hurt me, our kid, our family or friends; can't handle the idea of me with another man; and can't handle the familial, social or professional consequences.
He wants to end it, but is really struggling. We're both hoping he can get over her and reconnect with me in time. But neither of us knows if he ever will or how long it may take.
I've always been an extremely confident person, but this situation crushed me and my sense of self. Everyone who knows (therapists, friends) has advised me to end it and move on, but I just don't want to. I love him and want to do everything possible to fix our marriage.
But I know I can’t be happy if I think my husband is pining away for another woman. And, from what I’ve read here, CSs seem to stay with their spouses more from guilt and shame... is that really true? I want to be loved and wanted for real, not someone for whom he settled. I want and deserve so much more than that, and he knows it, so what the hell...
He has asked me for time and space to “work through” his feelings on his terms. I get that if I force him to end it before he’s ready, it won’t be real or effective (been there...). But how can I justify, to myself , allowing him to continue communicating with her?? But kicking him out would hurt the kids, and me, and essentially throw him into her arms.... UGH!
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Be healthy and happy for yourself.
Get into the church.
You know the pattern and know the hurt, you know he will not change.
But will you change for the good of yourself?
The support and advice I’ve gotten from this group has helped me progress with my healing in so many ways. I now have a much better understanding of how and why Affairs happen and progress, which has helped me deal with my situation immensely. Thanks to your advice, I feel so much more at peace.
Whatever is happening between him and his OW is infinitely less than it was just a few weeks ago, and he is being much more considerate towards me - so I’m hopeful that the end is near.
I know I need to establish clear boundaries (no contact) but I’m kinda scared to even bring it up. I just don’t want to hear him say he can’t...
m Hi! Thank you so much for your response. The support and information I’ve gotten from you and this group has helped me progress with my healing in so many ways. I now have a much better understanding of how and why Affairs happen and progress, which has helped me deal with my situation immensely. Thanks to your advice, I feel so much more at peace.
He has yet to commit to no contact, but whatever is happening is infinitely less than it was just a few weeks ago, and he is being much more considerate towards me - so I’m hopeful that the end is near.
Meanwhile, it is getting easier to live (thank god. For too long I couldn’t concentrate on anything but his behavior).
Again, I can’t tell you all how reading about your experiences has helped me understand the cycle of (most) affairs. It has helped me immensely. Thank you!
It’s uncomfortable for CS’s to come to terms with cheating. Because everyone likes them. What will they think of you? I told him if he didn’t tell the kids and his parents I was gonna walk. (Our kids are in their 20’s)
He had to be serious about making it work.. all in. Yes he’s going through a loss. So are you. It would literally be easier if they died. At least your emotions would be valid and you would have support from everyone. Not some secret you are dealing with.
He has to agree to no contact... stringing this along is only giving the OW hope. You do not know what he’s telling her.. ect.
If you haven’t heard of marriage builders it really helped us. Www.marriagebuilders.com
or the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda McDonald (she has a website too)
I agree, you have to "break" the affair but the way marriage builders wants you to do it is, more or less, ruining the CS's lives with everyone they know, starting with getting them fired from their jobs, telling all their friends & both families, all passwords, no cell phones & a daily detailed report of their comings & goings.
You're just pissed off because he went another women for something he couldn't get from your marriage. Better to divorce him than put him through all that hell.
Now I believe you have two choices: 1) to divorce him and try to fix your life or2) be with him and don’t push him at all, accept the fact that he will be with both of you, something like open marriage. If you see than you can’t handle it then you go for divorce.
But please remember that you are precious amazing beautiful and is NOT your fault that he cheated on you.
Test him in an open relationship if you love him so much and see how will go . If you can’t than still is ok .
Maybe I am wrong but this is my thought.