Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I had an affair on my partner. We'd been together a year, and I slept with his friend. I have a lot of issues (BPD, anxiety, depression) and I fucked up. I don't know WHY I did it, I knew it was the worst thing and I knew the truth would come out but I guess I wanted to hedge my bets. I thought maybe he didn't really love me and would leave me like everyone else, and this other guy just said all the right (or wrong I guess) things.
I came clean. But the affair had already gone on for a few months by the time I did. The reason it went on, was because my AP was a manipulative blackmailing dick and I just kept trying to survive each day. I knew I'd have to come clean, and I knew I was making it worse, but I'd get 40 missed calls a day from his friend demanding to see me or he'd tell and I just panicked. He was controlling, if I didn't reply in minutes he would show up at the house!
I can't tell anyone that, because then they think I'm not taking responsibility. I fucked up, I know it is entirely on me & I want to fix it but I can't take it back. All I can do is make sure it NEVER happens again and to be as open and honest with my partner as possible. I WANT to make it work and he does too.
I told my parents as soon as I told him. His family knows, they all think we could make it work.
But he told his best friend, and his best friend told all his friends. Everyone HATES me. And I understand completely because I would hate me too & I DO hate me and what I did. I am remoreseful but no one else sees it except my partner & family.
My AP has told everyone a combination of I forced him, I gave him money, he had no interest in me but I was so persistent, that we were in love, that I am just using my partner. He tells such weird and conflicting stories but his friends have eaten it up. He told my partner to kill himself!!!! But the friends just go oh poor him, poor innocent guy who got used by a succubus and had no say in it.
They've all forgiven him & believe everything he says.
I don't know whether to defend myself. Why would anyone believe me? They'll just think I'm not accepting the blame.
So far I've just sucked it up...I'm anxious and depressed and self loathing and I don't want to cry in front of his friends begging them to forgive me just so they can tell me how I'm the worst person in the world.
I just don't know how to deal with it. I'm going to be the bad guy forever. I don't want my partner to suffer more than he has, but my AP is doing everything he can to turn everyone against my partner as well as me. I have intentionally steered clear of my partner's friends so that he can maintain those friendships without me but that just seems to be making it worse.
I hate the situation I put myself in. No matter what I do, it seems to make it all worse
(I don't know all the acronyms for this group I'm sorry!)
I came clean. But the affair had already gone on for a few months by the time I did. The reason it went on, was because my AP was a manipulative blackmailing dick and I just kept trying to survive each day. I knew I'd have to come clean, and I knew I was making it worse, but I'd get 40 missed calls a day from his friend demanding to see me or he'd tell and I just panicked. He was controlling, if I didn't reply in minutes he would show up at the house!
I can't tell anyone that, because then they think I'm not taking responsibility. I fucked up, I know it is entirely on me & I want to fix it but I can't take it back. All I can do is make sure it NEVER happens again and to be as open and honest with my partner as possible. I WANT to make it work and he does too.
I told my parents as soon as I told him. His family knows, they all think we could make it work.
But he told his best friend, and his best friend told all his friends. Everyone HATES me. And I understand completely because I would hate me too & I DO hate me and what I did. I am remoreseful but no one else sees it except my partner & family.
My AP has told everyone a combination of I forced him, I gave him money, he had no interest in me but I was so persistent, that we were in love, that I am just using my partner. He tells such weird and conflicting stories but his friends have eaten it up. He told my partner to kill himself!!!! But the friends just go oh poor him, poor innocent guy who got used by a succubus and had no say in it.
They've all forgiven him & believe everything he says.
I don't know whether to defend myself. Why would anyone believe me? They'll just think I'm not accepting the blame.
So far I've just sucked it up...I'm anxious and depressed and self loathing and I don't want to cry in front of his friends begging them to forgive me just so they can tell me how I'm the worst person in the world.
I just don't know how to deal with it. I'm going to be the bad guy forever. I don't want my partner to suffer more than he has, but my AP is doing everything he can to turn everyone against my partner as well as me. I have intentionally steered clear of my partner's friends so that he can maintain those friendships without me but that just seems to be making it worse.
I hate the situation I put myself in. No matter what I do, it seems to make it all worse
(I don't know all the acronyms for this group I'm sorry!)
I guess....I just don't see light at the end of the tunnel. All friends know & are doing their best to stop us moving on. The Internet and life is full of people saying I will never ever change & can never be a good partner. I'm in tears every single night thinking about what our future will be like. How can we ever get married or have children when no one will ever believe I can change. I care so deeply for my H and I have felt so much more positive since the A ended, as I can show him affection and no longer fear it's unrequited.
It makes me so sad when my partner has been nothing but loving and supportive and its others who are incapable of accepting.
Unfortunately he lives with his BF's and wants me to move in with them. They say they want to move forward but it's hard to accept when they've been abusive previously.
I cut off AP as soon as I told the truth.
How do you deal with friends? What if they're your BS's best friends?
How do you deal with everyone thinking you're scum who can't change?
How do you deal with an AP who is toxic and abusive?
Personally, I've been down that friend road. It wasn't easy, but we recovered. At this point my H is over it. Now I do all my dirty shit in secret.. kidding (kind of). My point is that time heals EVERYTHING. But do the work too. Don't just buckle up and survive the horror that is the backlash; use this time to take positive steps towards a better you and hopefully, a better relationship with your partner.
I wouldn't know personally about an abusive AP but I think that since you're come clean it wouldn't be too difficult to just cut him off. Stop feeling his ego. Send him along on his merry way to deal with his own process that results from this incident.
Good luck, hang in there!
I wouldn't know personally about an abusive AP but I think that since you've come clean it wouldn't be too difficult to just cut him off. Stop feeding his ego. Send him along on his merry way to deal with his own process that resulted from this incident.
No matter where I look it's always black and white. No one who has cheated can reform, no tolerance, no empathy or acceptance that things can be better.
I foolishly posted on reddit in the infidelity section and was met with accusations that my entire story is a lie, that everything I ever do will be a lie and the only good thing I can do is leave my H.
You are very fortunate that your partner is being loving, supportive, doing the right things. That is HUGE. Many people are not so fortunate. That is what you need to concentrate on--healing things with HIM.
If I were in your shoes (and I know this will be difficult to say the least), going forward I would tell anyone who says anything else to you about what happened that they do NOT know the whole story, that they only have the side of someone who is out to hurt you, and that you do not care to elaborate any further, because right now you are concentrating on rebuilding the relationship between you and your partner. All of the frenzy about this with your friends will subside over time. The truth about your AP's character will eventually come out. And if these people choose to side with him, and keep a bunch of drama going, they are not truly your friends.
Why do you even care what your AP's friends think? Of course, they will side with him. And consider this--your partner would likely be more than willing to help get his friends on track about what really happened.
And he should be able to do this without going into great detail. Perhaps some IC/MC would also be helpful. Hang in there...
...and if your ex-AP continues to harass you or is threatening, get the police involved---immediately. It is surprising what people are capable of, given the right circumstances.
The friend situation is weird and frustrating because the friends of AP claim they are best friends with H, having known H longer & been closer.
One has been in AP's situation and believes that what AP is saying and doing is just toxic and spiteful.
The rest believe the AP has nothing to lose so why would he lie?
I never expected them to believe, like or forgive me after what I've done, but I didn't expect them to buy all AP's bullshit and involve themselves in the relationship
I really appreciate this. I've been wondering about a way to word my approach to them if they say "he said this". I've been really unsure how to respond to the bullshit drama that I really feel isn't their business and this seems like a really good way, without, hopefully, making them angrier