I have been With my husband for 5 and a half years now. We'll be married for 2 years next month. I've been meeting random strangers online and talking to them. Both conversation and sexually. I've been caught twice. And I do not want to know what will happen if I go back to my ways again. I know I love my husband. And we have a beautiful daughter together. I can see myself being with him forever. I want to grow and build an empire with him. He's just a brick wall. A 6 foot, inward, not very emotional black man. I'm surprised, honestly, he's stayed with me. Last night was the first time since he caught me that I made a post on whisper to go back to my mentally cheating ways. I've never physically cheated. Although its still just as bad as what I did I don't want these things to happen again. Besides lacking communication with me and being very emotionless he has done nothing to harm me or my daughter, works hard for our family. He just doesn't voice his feelings, doesn't call me sexy, doesn't say "I love you" because his "actions speak louder than words". And the funny thing is I suspected HIM of cheating all the time. I checked his phone, Xbox, everything. Followed him. Just to make sure he wasn't. And over 5 years he's never done anything. But....I want to hear those things. It sucks I've screwed up our relationship for some words from strangers. But I don't want to do it again and I can't afford therapy....I don't know what to do. Even though he says this is my last chance and we are still together I just want to die. It's taking everything in me to not just go grab a knife and end all the problems I'm causing.....I need help. I want to become better. I want to not be so selfish...