You have got to stop the texting!!! Go completely No Contact. Keeping in contact is causing your life to be a roller coaster ride and not in a good way. And that is some of the worst pain, been there. I know that NC is hard, but the healing process will not begin until you either go NC with the AP or divorce your H and break up your family. Your choice.

Make your choice then live with it. You are wanting to have your cake and eat it too and that will not work.

If you decide that saving your marriage is important enough to end things with the AP, and stick with it a while, you will begin to feel better about yourself and you can focus on what is important---your family.

How did the day go?

And....Oh I've so been there done that. First, your first line "I cannot get though this....and honestly I don't feel like I want to". Yep, the difference between you and me was that you admitted that. I was on here for over a year saying, "I want to stay away. I want to stay away". but when push came to shove, I didn't really and I fell right back into it. To be totally honest and totally blunt, your A isn't going to end until you make a decision and it really comes down that. It is truly a paradigm shift. You either cheat on your spouse or you do not. Yes, there is the rush, yes there is the fog, yes there is the dopamine.....but people overcome obstacles every day and we have more power within ourselves than we give ourselves credit for.

(Please know as I'm saying this....this has taken me a very, very, very long time to come to this place mentally and getting here was absolutely one of the most difficult things I've ever done, so I get it)

And you know what, W, its hard....every.single.day I am tempted in one way or another. Every day. But I've decided that I am not a cheating wife TODAY..... and then the next day comes, and the next...it can be truly a day by day thing. I sometimes wonder if drug addicts and alcoholics feel this way.

Keep in mind a few things that you mentioned: Is this a healthy relationship that you have to live in fear of being a time bomb. Do healthy relationships give you worry? Give you stress like this?
If you don't want your H to find out, why do you do it? (Again, I was soooo there....it just took me a long time to think clearly) Is this man worth it? Will he stay with you when you need him? When you need the kids picked up? Or put dinner on the table? Or take care of you when your sick?

Sometimes I would read the Infidelity board where pretty much all the BS's hang out and feel their pain. I didn't want to instill that anger and pain on my H. He didn't deserve it. In fact, I have friends who tell me what a gem he is. I have no doubt that he had every reason to kick me to the curb and I would deserve it and he would have no problem finding someone he deserved. An A is a lie. My A was a lie. One of my most memorable moments is one day my H came home from work and I was scrambling to put laundry in, do dinner...act like I did something all day instead of texting and meeting my AP. And he came home, and told me how great it was to be home and he had a long day and this one did this and this one said that and the stress, kissed me, and asked how my day was.....and I looked at him and all I could think was "I was in a hotel room laughing and having fun and having amazing sex with some man and neither of us had you on our mind". And you know what? That is just wrong. It is just wrong to do that to another human being. There comes a point when you just don't want to be that person who treats someone you supposedly love like that. And how would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot? And, if I wasn't happy with him, then I need to say that. So he can find someone who can be true to him, who can be who he wants. There are dozens of women who would snatch him right up. He deserved that. We all deserve that.

As I said before, I don't want to come off as preaching. I WAS there and it took me years to come to this place and it still can pull me....that thrill.....but, proudly, I've been clean now as I call it for almost 5 months.....and tomorrow it will be 5 months and 1 day....etc. etc. Its a day to day decision. We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong, its the same amount of work. Who do you want to be?

Keep writing, keep reading......you have a lot of support on this journey. We all have been there.

One more thing....I just want to say coming here was my first step in finding clarity. I was cheating for years before I found this support/this forum. Its meant to be an adjunct. You have to take a lot with a grain of salt...but take what is helpful to you and use it to promote your healing.

Thank you so much Shoretime and Sarah. I know you guys are just telling me what is the right thing to do, and it's something that I have heard many times. But, its still helpful because I feel like I need to hear it constantly, over and over again in order to get my brain to register what needs to be done. I think I'm slowly getting there. It's just a matter of making sure that I follow through with what I know needs to be done. It's been a good 2 days. I'll keep making goo days. Staying focused on other things and what's important... My Husband and kids. :)

Given the right situation you H would have a A, don't fool yourself. If you were not meeting his basic EN he might find it somewhere else.

I disagree....I think, for many men.....many, many times they enter an affair NOT for emotional needs but for sex/desire. Granted, some do....but for men, frequently it is the 'hunt', the 'sexual prowlness' at least in the beginning and the emotional attachment may come later.

I also think for many people cheating is just not an option.

waddicted - don't you think we have all been there? Once or twice? Messed up? Well maybe if you were posting this in the Infidelity board, they would tear you a new one. Not here. Not amongst fellow cheaters. We all understand that pull, that desire to want to get your fix. We have all been there. I guess it could be considered a drug, a high like drugs or alcohol. I'm sure if we started reading the 12 steps of recovery and applied it to our cheating lives, it would very much apply.

Affairs make no sense. Affairs are messy and self-indulgent and selfish. It is the nature of the act. Of course it is exciting, you are going incognito and leaving your otherwise mundane existence to take part in something that has no sound basis of surviving. The thrill, the rush, the sneaking around; it is intoxicating. But it is also done on purpose, with thoughtful, intentional action. For me, that is what makes it so terrible. We are doing it knowing we are hurting someone else.

I'm still very much actively involved in my A. God help me.