Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I saw OM today car to car. He was in his mothers car so I didn't recognize right away that it was him. I pulled up at a stop sign. He was in the right turn lane right next to me. It is a busy road so you have to wait for traffic to clear. I saw movement in the car next to me and there he was. He smiled and waved. I am so very disappointed in myself because I smiled and waved back. He mouthed the words, "how are you doing?" I made the okay sign with my hand. At that time traffic cleared and I went across and he turned right.
I am so disappointed with myself because I broke NC. There was interaction there. Far too much interaction. I should have kept my eyes straight forward. I did not have a huge emotional reaction which is a good thing. I am just so very disappointed with myself. I have been working on myself so hard and made so much progress and now this. What will I do if I meet him face to face in a store or something? Stop for a little chat? Ugh!
I feel sick about it and sorry and I don't know how to describe this quite, but seeing him that way today after such a long time gave me a very weird feeling. Kind of an out of reality feeling. At one point today while working I was feeling so far removed from my A's. I felt how far I have come and I was happy that I can have moments like that and I was feeling thankful for where I am at now in my healing. But having seen him like that.....he is real, and all that happened is there between us even though we are NC and sightings like the one today are rare. Even though I did not have a big emotional reaction it certainly messed with my head and left me feeling unsettled and distressed. This is why NC is so important. Any contact at all causes a renewal of sorts depending on what your feelings currently are and the level of the contact.
Another thing I am upset about is that I had H on my bluetooth as I was driving as I often do. I did not mention to him anything about what was happening until I got home! Why? This bothers me a great deal! I was kind of stunned, I think, and my feelings of horror and wrongness at my reaction did not really hit me till I got home.
I'll be taking this to confession next time I go. I will be nervous. Glad absolution can't be repossessed, lol, but penances will likely be forthcoming. My main concern though is that I don't want him to feel encouraged by this that I am willing to renew ANY type of communication or friendship. That is really the consequence I am most concerned with. I am sorry.
I am so disappointed with myself because I broke NC. There was interaction there. Far too much interaction. I should have kept my eyes straight forward. I did not have a huge emotional reaction which is a good thing. I am just so very disappointed with myself. I have been working on myself so hard and made so much progress and now this. What will I do if I meet him face to face in a store or something? Stop for a little chat? Ugh!
I feel sick about it and sorry and I don't know how to describe this quite, but seeing him that way today after such a long time gave me a very weird feeling. Kind of an out of reality feeling. At one point today while working I was feeling so far removed from my A's. I felt how far I have come and I was happy that I can have moments like that and I was feeling thankful for where I am at now in my healing. But having seen him like that.....he is real, and all that happened is there between us even though we are NC and sightings like the one today are rare. Even though I did not have a big emotional reaction it certainly messed with my head and left me feeling unsettled and distressed. This is why NC is so important. Any contact at all causes a renewal of sorts depending on what your feelings currently are and the level of the contact.
Another thing I am upset about is that I had H on my bluetooth as I was driving as I often do. I did not mention to him anything about what was happening until I got home! Why? This bothers me a great deal! I was kind of stunned, I think, and my feelings of horror and wrongness at my reaction did not really hit me till I got home.
I'll be taking this to confession next time I go. I will be nervous. Glad absolution can't be repossessed, lol, but penances will likely be forthcoming. My main concern though is that I don't want him to feel encouraged by this that I am willing to renew ANY type of communication or friendship. That is really the consequence I am most concerned with. I am sorry.
Are you in marriage counseling now? If not, I strongly recommend it. Your counselor may advise that you come clean and tell your H that you saw your affair partner and waved. Total transparency is vital to regaining his trust.
Good luck. It sound like you have some work to do.
@goodbadgyrl - These comments were pretty spot on:
"you are questioning why you spoke to him or reacted the way you did. I believe you may still have some kind of connection with him but you don't want to and you can't acknowledge it any more because of your commitment to your H. "
One of the most difficult things about my healing from all that I did has been "getting over" the emotional bond I had with OM. We were very deep into our EA/PA when I got caught and the abrupt ending was brutal to go through. I believe he worried about me as much as I did about him. It has been 11 mos. My H fully understands about the kind of bond that develops in an EA/PA and pretty well knows where I am in this most of the time. There is no way around it, it just has to die a slow painful death from starvation and neglect and that's the way it is. I am very committed to this starvation of the bond. I pray about it and I practice "guarding my thoughts." It has been going well, most of the time the A's seem kind of surreal, but the wounds from the whole thing go deep and there is still a lot of pain and hard work in association with it all. Seeing him just stabs the wound and makes it hurt. My reaction this time was actually way milder and less emotional than in the past so I see progress there. I do not want to get back with him or make contact. I want to heal and stay fully committed to my H and my marriage.
It partly upset me that I waved to him and smiled because I don't want to give him the message that we are still friends and all is well. That is not possible for me or my H. On the other hand it could be good that I showed him that I am happy and okay so that he can feel free to not worry about me.
@hurtin - I have read the book and it is excellent. My H and I have read a few others as well that have helped us a lot. I told him about the interaction as soon as I got home but I did wonder why I didn't mention it as it was happening since he was on my bluetooth at the time. We weren't really talking at the time much because he was busy doing something. I am fully committed to total transparency with H and I totally agree with you on that. We did counseling in the beginning for 8 sessions. I wish we could have had more but he became unemployed last July and has remained that way. :-(
Most of my counseling since then has been with my priest. Not really counseling but it has been helpful. There have been times I have wished I could get more counseling for myself because the healing from the damage my A's did to me has been so very hard and painful but I do have a lot of support and am getting through it the best I can. I feel my marriage is doing well and my H is doing well as long as he sees me working hard on myself.