Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Hello. I found this group several months ago when I was deep into an 18 month affair with a man who I thought loved me. I was so conflicted and felt I was drowning. I desperately wanted out but the emotional tie he had on me was so strong I felt there was no light or hope.
i found this group at a time I really needed it. I have been anonymously reading your posts for many months and it has helped me so much to know there were others out there that understood what I was going through.
My affair started 18 months ago when my sons coach started texting me. I was so thrown off by it and it made me feel uncomfortable, but my husband was permanently working out of town and I just felt so lonely it was nice to have the conversation. In the beginning I allowed myself to believe it was only friendship, but it quickly turned into an emotional afair, and within a few months physical. I never slept with him but we were physical in every other way.
The past year and a half has been filled with internal conflict. I have cycled from being all in, to overwhelming guilt, to wanting so bad to end things, to feeling emotionally trapped, to fear of life without him, etc.
Because I was never in this 100% with AP our relationship experienced many ups and downs and we have gone weeks without talking or communicating. Four months ago he broke up with me, but then contacted me a week later. We maintained communication for a couple months as friends and got back together for about a month before things went south again.
I don’t have any confirmation other than my gut, but I’m 99% certain he started another affair during our break up. When we got back together he would get so moody and irritable with me over the smallest things. He was always texting ‘his son’ It was almost like he was a different person. As of 4 weeks ago we are not together anymore but still maintain some contact. In the past he was always willing to work on us, but lately he is so distant my gut says he is emotionally and likely physically involved with someone else. I know even if he were in, that is not what I would want anyway. When we were together I felt trapped and overwhelmed with guilt and could never be what he was looking for. I need to move on. At the moment I have no other choice, but I want to mentally and emotionally break free so if he were to come back or if I were to find myself in this situation again with someone else I would be strong enough to do the right thing.
So here are my questions.
How do you break the emotional hold and fill the void the AP once filled? I miss the daily texts and find myself with too much time on my hands which always leads to thinking about him.
How did you tell your spouse about the affair?
How do you get to a place you can forgive yourself for what you have done? I have been married for 17 years and I never thought I would ever be in this situation. I used to be one to steer clear of any guy who showed interest in me. I don’t know how I allowed myself to fall this hard or fast
My husband is a good man. I don’t have the same physical attraction to him that I did with AP but he is a good person and did not deserve this. My husband is 100% in love with me and I know this will blindside him. He is not an emotionally vested person, like he would rather watch TV for hours than talk to me, but I know he loves me and I am sick with the idea of what this will do to him. Any advice or good thoughts would be appreciated.
there is no good reason for confession to hubby as can only have negative effects. take up hobbies, hang out with girls and expend all your passion with your husband. any man can be vamped into a more passionate relationship with his wife if you make the efforts necessary.
you need decide what you want a fulfilling marriage or an AP and a husband that financially supports you in the style you are accustomed to then give it all your efforts. doesn't sound like you have any emotional ties to your husband that will result in a fulfilling marriage so your path seems clearly defined if you are willing to give it your all with a lovable AP. no such thing as getting partially physically in an enjoyable affair.
End the affair and have no contact policy with the AP.
Get into personal counseling, work yourself, and confess to your husband.
Do everything in your power to help your husband heal and pray that he forgives you and is willing to reconcile.
Fill your time and your thoughts with other things. When you find your mind wandering just say stop. Be disciplined with yourself.
As for your H. He deserves to know. You need to be prepared that he has choices, not just you. You probably should see a therapist and help you through this part.
You are not the only one who has a spouse who is not around everyday.
You are not the only one who has a spouse who doesn't talk non-stop about his feelings. All these other people are not cheating.
You’re human, you messed up. You messed up badly. Like many of us have. Your feelings are normal and I’ve been there. I get it. It’s beyond painful. Use the guilt to your advantage and allow it to change your heart, help you repent and commit fully to ending it. I agree with the no contact. It’s the only way to break free.
My personal situation is terrible and at the moment I don’t have that luxury but I’m still trying hard every day and I’m staying focused. Like getting rid of any bad habit, with time it will get easier.
Delete everything, block his number and stay far away from him. Just don’t put yourself in any situation where you are at risk. I whole heartedly believe it is an addiction so take it seriously. Every time you slip up or go backwards it gets harder to quit.
And to address another one of your questions, I personally do not believe in confessing unless you are in danger of the truth coming out. Then your H should hear it from you before anyone else. If you’ve read anything I’ve posted then you will know that I think confession is necessary to God for forgiveness but there are cases where the greater good is more important than you clearing your conscience. I don’t know what your circumstances are but you mentioned your son’s soccer coach? My children are the reason I will take what I did to the grave if I can help it.
I hope you find comfort and support here. I also hope you are successful in permanently ending it because it’s just not worth it. Affairs are selfish by nature resulting in pain, guilt and regret. There’s no easy way out and they never end well. Good Luck and like others told me, Make friends and journal. It helps!
The reason why I post is because I want people to avoid making bad situations worse. A BS knows clearly how this is because they are the recipient of the damage.
Perspective from the similar viewpoints becomes a echo chamber. However, if it is really change that you desire, a different perspective is beneficial.
In terms of pursuing happiness, it never occurs when it is at a huge expense to others. Just about everyone here who has had an affair has been the author of their own suffering or they wouldn't be here. The pursuit of happiness in this manner is what has lead them here. The suggestion that continuing down the exact same path will somehow produce a different outcome is illogical.
I don't know that I'm in a better place than I was two months ago, but I feel I have separated myself as much as I possibly can without going crazy. We text maybe once a week/every other week but it is very light and 'text' would imply a conversation. It's not even really that. More of a "how are you" check in. I think in time even those will stop. There is no reason to check in on one another and when we do I feel it keeps me mentally from moving forward.
At the time of my post, I really did feel more upset about the decay of my relationship with AP than what I had done to my marriage. I think that was the stage I was dealing with then. The pain of ending something that, while toxic, was a big part of my life for a long time and knowing that as painful as it was, it was the right thing to do. Now that I am somewhat past the pain of losing AP (not fully, it's a day to day struggle, but better than I was 2 months ago), I am full on dealing with the guilt I have for what I have done. That is constant. I know some of you said I should not tell my husband and I get the logic, but I feel I can not move forward from this without coming clean. Not for just myself, but for my marriage. My marriage is definitely not perfect and there are so many things that need change, but I don't think my husband will listen or take my concerns for our marriage seriously unless I tell him about this affair. At the same time, I would rather tell him and have him leave me than to deal with the guilt I am feeling for the rest of my life. I'm not sure how I will tell him. Just the thought of having to say those words to him tears me up but I just know I have to do it. Any advice would be appreciated.
If he is a violent man doing this in public would be necessary for safety.
Take a STD test and have copy of it because he's going to ask you for one anyways.
Answer all the questions honestly and fully and do not trickle truth him, but at the same time do not give him all the dirty details of the acts unless he asks.
Make sure he understands that you take the full responsibility for the affair and do not blame shift anything onto him.
Let him know that you will be accountable and open and do not give yourself the opportunity to be secretive.
Apologize often and sincerely and always ask how he is doing.
Have no contact rule implemented with the AP right away and block every account and phone that he could use to contact you.
Get personal counseling.
God knows I can't give you any advice. Am going through fresh hell myself. But oh how I get you. I'm 48 years of age, have been through all kinds of heartache, but this.. this just kills. I was prepared to compromise, discuss, try and meet his expectations. He wasn't, and never will be. I was at the same time killing myself with insane guilt. He wasn't, because he had no reason to. I'm completely destroyed, barely coping. He's gone on with his life. I doubt he remembers I existed.
Do not tell your husband. It will achieve nothing but quadruple the grief. You'd be putting your nightmare onto him. This is yours to deal with, yours alone. It's hard as hell but this is what you must do. Telling him would only destroy him and I doubt your relationship could ever go back to what it was before. Women were born to forgive infidelity; men were not. Yes, 'school of 1954' but to h*** with it, this is my firm belief, 1954 or 2018.
As far as forgiving yourself - we're all human; we're fallible, we're all good people who did a bad thing. You, me and everyone else on this forum. You're not a monster, and you're not evil. Just a fallible human being in a difficult phase of life during which this person for some reason materialised from somewhere and made you loose your mind.
Hugs, I get it, I'm there, just where you are. Crying as I type this. God I just can't stop crying. Running out of excuses to give my husband...
Heaven help us all....
My struggle is that my husband is really trying to work on our marriage now and I still don't have the feelings for him I once had. I have cut off contact with AP completely. I sent him an email a week after I told my husband and then closed the email account. I know AP will not try to pursue our relationship. I believe he had already moved on before my email and he is not the type to contact me if I ask him not to. My frustration is I am trying to do all the 'right' things but I am afraid I will never feel attraction or connection with my husband again. It has been almost 5 months and I still struggle with it. It is so discouraging.
We went to counseling for a couple months but quit because our counselor was not helpful at all. I need to find a better counselor but just haven't done it yet.
My biggest fear is giving up my relationship with AP and still ending up divorced, not because my husband wants it but because I can't be in this marriage after feeling what I've felt and I can't expect my husband to be married to a person who is not totally attracted or in love with him.
If you have been in my situation, will you please give me some advice on what you have done to find love and attraction for your betrayed spouse? That is the hardest thing for me. I love my husband in that I care for him, but I don't feel emotionally connected or physically attracted to him. I want things to be the way they were when we were young and in love but I feel that has been dead for so long I don't know how to get it back. I don't want the affair again. It has taken so much from me and changed me to be this person I never wanted to be. But I can't keep living this fake reality. I feel like a broken person who will never heal from my affair.
I am over a year post a 3-month emotional affair with a friend (one physical encounter). I feel that it has wrecked my psychological state in ways I could never have predicted. I also told my husband everything and haven't had any contact with AP in over a year. The affair still haunts me. Even though I chose my husband, find value in my marriage, want the life and family we have built, the feelings I had for my AP are still with me no matter how hard I try to be rid of them. I try not to even allow myself to think about him and be present in my marriage, but I cannot go back to where my husband and I were before the affair. This, of course, affects our daily interactions and intimacy and it kills me that I am still here emotionally. I have some good days, sometimes weeks, but then relapse into this misery.
My husband is not the problem, he is ready and willing to move forward. The issues are in my own head. I no longer feel certain that he is right for me, since I obviously needed something else that I am still missing post affair. I know the AP was never a realistic choice, but I miss/need what he gave me in those brief months. My husband is a wonderful person and I do love him, but he cannot fill the emotional space the AP filled. I feel intense guilt and regret, as most of us do. I grieve my marriage while still in it and feel completely alone. I tried seeing a therapist, but got more of the same formula that seems empty and not at all addresses this situation. Ultimately, it was not worth the expense.
Reading your post was one of the few times I have seen these emotions voiced. I wish there were others who have been here to shed some light. I too feel utterly broken and see no hope of ever feeling at peace again. I completely understand living this facade of normalcy, suffering in silence.
Thank you for sharing. At least I don't feel as crazy knowing someone else is here too.
And
"My husband is a wonderful person and I do love him, but he cannot fill the emotional space the AP filled. I feel intense guilt and regret, as most of us do. I grieve my marriage while still in it and feel completely alone." - jfair
I am new here and your posts are exactly in line with my feelings. I have so many questions, and I plan to write my questions soon, but my affair started because I realized that I didn't have feelings of attraction to my husband. I thought my ability to feel sexual attraction was completely dead and I was just an old marm nearing 40. We had only had sex once in 2 years and we didn't talk about that either. He was/is an emotional roller coaster and struggled with anger management (i.e. yelling and anger, never physical, just emotional and verbal anger and shaming expressions) that made it really hard to connect with him or feel emotionally safe enough to be attracted to him. And he is an attractive man.
Fast forward some months including my 7 month affair, and while the affair is over with NC, it was still only freshly revealed and the feelings are still raw. I have committed to my marriage and my husband. But, I worry that I still won't feel an attraction to my husband going forward. Now that he really has something to be emotional about and angry about, too, that doesn't help the situation, seeing as the anger and emotional instability was what put a wedge between us for years and years. So, I am pushing forward in trying to heal myself (mostly on my own, since I have no one else to talk to about this, that's why I'm here), to help my husband heal (who has graciously kept me and still says he loves me still and knows no other way), and to help our relationship grow in love moving forward.
I need to build my marriage into a stable place, for the health and benefit of our children. I think that is a worthy cause and reason. But, I still worry that I am may be fooling myself or committing to "faking it" - I see it as possible to love him, as possible to feel attraction to him from a physical reaction, but I am scared that those driving, feelings of attraction may not happen with him. I guess I just carry on and keep trying my best, and work to be honest with myself and with him, but give us enough time to work through this and give us an honest try.