Okay... so I am having trouble on where to start this off. I want to give the short and sweet version here. 

So my wife and I have been together for 6 years and married for the last 3 years. We were perfect together. We got along great. We always felt like out of all the other couples in our family, we were the strongest. We rarely fought, admitted when we were wrong, never held grudges. We always did romantic things and always laughed and had fun together.

But this year, my wife changed. She became distant. Affection and love were barely shown to me for months. She quit working and helping with much of the housework. It was all building on me that I was responsible for everything. Even finances.

Anyway, in the meantime, I used to be a part of a large online community and I met many friends with similar interests to mine. People ranging from their mid 30s to early 20s. One friend of mine, a 20 year old girl who was having difficulties at home, who I had known for 2 years, needed to get away from the mental abuse she was suffering from her family. So I offered to let her stay with me and my wife, with my wife's permission, of course. She moved all the way from upstate new york to michigan, where I am. We gave her a home, a bed, food and she got a job. 

So as time passed, my wife and I grew further apart while my friend and I grew close. There was no flirtation or anything. I felt as though I was like a big brother to her. My wife (though I didnt know it at the time) was seething with jealousy over our friendship. Her attitude became bitter and angry and she would never tell me why. That, combined with the fact that my wife and I cant have kids was wearing her down. All of this came to a head when I decided we needed to talk. I came forward about the way my wife was making me feel, and my wife responded defensively at first but then we decided we were going to fix this marriage, one day at a time. The next day, my wife was chipper and greeted me after work with a kiss and a hug. And I felt nothing. No love, no attraction, and no appreciation. So I sat and dwelled for an hour or so on this emptiness inside and I was afraid that I didn't love my wife anymore. 

I was so scared that I went upstairs to talk to my friend about it. She comforted me and gave me a hug and I was feeling something again. Something came over me as I held her and I found myself leaning in and I kissed her. Like an impulse. I immediately stopped and sent my friend out of the house so that I could tell my wife what I had just done. I told her and she had the reaction you would expect. She got mad, berated me and left for her mother's house. Since she left, my friend and I have both decided we felt something for eachother, but I wanted to wait on my wife.

The first night, my wife came back and told me we would work through it. I was miserable. Guilty. Ashamed. Suicidal. I didnt know what to do. So I questioned why she would take me back and if she could ever trust me again. A few days later, she came back again and said she didnt think she we could work it out anymore and we should just be friends. I was okay with it. 

But now, 3 weeks later, I am in a casual relationship with my friend (i didnt want the act of infidelity to be all for nothing) and I find myself crying every single time Im alone because I miss my wife. I cannot live with the shame of hurting her. It breaks my heart knowing that I crushed the woman I thought was my soulmate. 

Note: i only told this story for background, not to make excuses. I was wrong, 100%

My question is, has anyone else felt this shame? And how do you overcome it? I accept what I did. I make no excuses. But yet I get this horrible pain in my chest when I think about what I did to her. She deserved better. I cannot cope.