Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
This post is mostly about me. Not about you. A journal just won't do. I need an audience, and I don't know why. First, an ounce of history. I came to this forum seeking a bit of refuge and support (like most of you). I found it. I made some friends, but then I realized that this forum also has the potential to become a crutch, an emotional quicksand. I left. I am back (sort of).
Since the A a lot has changed. I have gone NC for over 2 years. I think about the OW from time to time, but it isn't in a longing kind of way. Sometimes things remind me of her. That's all. I live in a new state, I have a new job, I have new friends, I cultivated new routines.
Here is how I have changed since then.
Before
I am a fair, and open minded Christian. |
Friendship(s) are some of the purest type of relationships. I don’t have a lot of friends, instead I have a few close friendships. |
I am playful. |
I joke with coworkers, and join in silliness. |
I listen to 2 - 3 hours of music a day. |
I go to bed at midnight at best, mostly at 1am or 2am. |
I have to plan ‘marty-time’—that is, time to be alone. |
I don’t talk much, but I usually have an opinion about what is being discussed. |
I like thinking about how my wife and I are a good example of two people who love each other. |
I don’t worry about much. I believe things will generally work out. |
People talk about anxiety attacks, but I don’t know what they are. |
I go through phases where I just feel sad. It lasts a few days and then I’m ok. |
I don’t chant. |
I don’t meditate. |
I don’t think about what comes after I am gone, I am preoccupied with what’s immediately next. |
I am angry at my sister, and we don’t really talk. |
I am not as patient with mom, but I try to be kind to her. |
After
I am critical of christianity, and being around large christian groups puts me on edge. |
I am generally apprehensive about friendship(s) in general. I don’t make an effort to build friendships. |
I am not playful. |
I don’t joke with coworkers. |
I listen to music 10 - 12 hours a day. |
I go to bed at least 3 hours before midnight. |
I spend about three times as much time alone as I did before. |
I don’t talk much outside of work |
It is continuously present before me, that my wife believes that I am a jerk/asshole. |
I worry a lot. |
I have an anxiety attack about once a week. |
I feel sad almost always. |
I chant daily. |
I meditate daily. |
I think about death a lot. Not about dying, but about what will I be remembered for when I die. It is a thought constantly on my mind, and what I use to make choices (or regret the ones I make). |
I am kinder to my sister. |
I am less kind to mom. |
I know what you mean about this place. Despite getting excellent advice and gaining sobering perspective from the experiences of others, I am still the same shithead I was when I first posted here.
If it were about me, my conscience would take the place of your wife in reminding me about what a jerk/asshole I am. Not that it's the same. I know it's not.
@gravingirl - Thanks. After DDay, the word "authentic" became a part of my vocabulary. Looking back, I believe that at the time that is the one thing that I needed to be. It was mostly a reaction to never having been authentic. Looking back, I know realize that being authentic isn't the only thing that I need to become--although I do need to stay authentic. I also want to become a kind human being and that is harder to do. Being authentic can lead to the road of becoming a jerk. Becoming authentic and a kind human being is harder.
@thepassenger - That realization (still the same asshole...) scares me shitless. I get it!