I'm 29 and have been married for 13 months, no kids. I've bene having an affair for 8 months. Both my husband and my affair partner love and want to be with me. I am not sure who I want to be with (if either).

My affair partner is 12 years older than me, has 2 young kids, a boy and a girl. He recently left his wife. We have been good friends for almost 3 years, and feel so connected we joke about having the same personality. Our affair was emotion for at least a year before it turned physical.

My husband is 2 years older than me and we have been together 4 years. He is a really good man - kind, hardworking, generous - but our relationship wasn't good for the past 2 years. We've been going to marriage counselling and it's getting better, but I'm not fully committed because I'm still carrying on my affair. 

At this point I've obviously pursued both relationships too far to have a clean break from either. My husband knows about my affair, but not the full extent of it (he thinks it ended months ago). He forgives me and wants to work on our marriage. He has made the effort to change everything that made me so upset and distant from him, but I feel like I've done too much damage to the marriage to really come back. I've asked him for a separation a half-dozen times, but he always talks me back into the relationship. My affair partner is understandably becoming impatient that I still haven't left my husband. 

Part of me believes I've ruined my marriage and need to get out, another part of me thinks that this is the "dark times" marriages go through, and if we survive it, we'll be indestructible. 

The other part of me wants to pursue a relationship with my affair partner, who I feel is a better match for me personality-wise and intellectually, but I know statistically the chances of two cheaters living happily ever after is slim to none, especially with the added stresses of our age gap and his ex-wife and kids. 

I am exhausted at the thought of dating again. I want children and it feels careless to throw away a decent husband when I'm about to turn 30, even if I have someone waiting in the wings. I know how hard it is to find good men, I'm quite baffled to have ended up with two of them at once.

I feel very stuck and terrified of future regret. I read so many posts and many people feel very sorry for their affairs and committed to working on their marriages. Others seem like they can't live without their affair partner and don't really care what happens to their spouse. I love and care about both men, and feel like because I've known both for almost the same amount of time and have been having an affair for the majority of my marriage, that they are very equal in my mind. I feel a lot of guilt and shame around the whole thing, and am starting to fall into a depression for being stuck like this for so many months. Any insight would be helpful.