I found this site in a desperate attempt to find some sort of relief. My mind is tearing itself apart. I can't forgive myself for what I did and he doesn't forgive me either. I will give a little backstory and try to keep it as brief as possible.

We met over 8 years ago in highschool. He immediately had a crush on me, we took the same bus and that's how it started. He liked me for years but I wasn't really attracted to him. I didn't have any steady boyfriends. I went on the occasional date or two because I grew up Mormon. Eventually right as my senior year of high school was ending I finally decided to give him a shot. We started dating and after a little less than a year I moved in with him and his mom and siblings because of religious trauma with my family and I needed asylum. He helped me through the difficult process of detaching myself from the church. Anway, fast forward 2 years later we all moved into a house because the apartment was too small and I was fully moved out. Things started to go downhill when our libidos wouldn't match up. I always wanted it, he didn't. I wanted to move out just the two of us so that I could get a dog, he didn't. I wanted to get married and have kids withtin the next few years, he didn't. He always had a difficult time expressing his emotions and our communication struggled. That's around the time I reconnected with an old online friend and we hit it off. I was already much more physically attracted, and we had a lot in common. I emotionally cheated and we swapped explicits to each other for about a week before I felt guilty and came clean to my boyfriend. He didn't want to break up, I told him I'd stop. I never really did. I would try but I'd get depressed or frustrated and lonely. I should have ended things sooner. I was too scared to move back in with my parents and I was worried about the lease on the house so I didn't. I was a coward. I eventually moved out and met up with the online guy a few weeks later. It was amazing and horrible all at the same time because my now ex boyfriend found out and blew up my phone and it was overall just very traumatic. This whole experience has been awful. I don't know what to do. My ex feels like I owe him a second chance to properly make things right, or he will never forgive me. Which I know is not right, but I feel so awful. How could I have treated him this way? I feel like I don't deserve anyone. He told me people hate me and that in the end he will get the last laugh. How do I move forward? I am still talking to the online guy, my family loves him more than they ever loved my ex. We meet up about once a month, but it is just so hard for me to feel okay. I am surrounded by reminders and it breaks me every day. I feel so stuck. I can't move on with the new guy, and I don't know how to repair my old relationship. I am so confused and disgusted by myself. There's so much other trauma I am skipping over because this is already long enough. I need help...