I am trying very hard for the last few weeks to carry through with NC. But I keep breaking down and either texting him or even sending him an email. I don't feel as bad about the emails, because often times they go on answered anyway. But I know that if I text him, he will usually text me back within 15-20 minutes, unless he is very busy. I feel the temptation Often, and I wonder if he thinks about me and feels the temptation too. But a large part of what bothers me, is that I feel like if he was to cut off contact with me, that I would be devastated. But it kills me to think that if I cut off contact with him, I don't know if he would care. I mean, maybe he would care somewhat, but I know that it wouldn't devastate him as much as I would me. This last 15 months or so, off and on affair has been the "best" and also the worst times of my life.

The funny part is that back when the affair started, I had actually come on to this group and read some messages. I guess I figured if I read some messages it would prevent me from going too far and end up feeling the way that many of you do. But, obviously, I did nothing to stop myself. And now… Here I am, in the exact same spot that I didn't want to be. I texted briefly with him on Monday. But, I have not since then. I know that tomorrow he is off work and so is his wife and I have never texted him on weekends because he is home with her. Knowing that I CAN' T text him on certain days, makes those days easier. But on the days like today and yesterday when I know that I could have… It made it very hard.

How do I commit myself to NC, when I don't really want to do it. I mean… I do, but I don't feel i emotionally can.