Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I want to talk about your M. I know this is your second A and there was a span of time between. I know that you are NC with your OW. You said after your first A that you did not do enough to rebuild your M but that this time you are doing more. You have mentioned counseling, but as far as I know that is all that you have mentioned.
My H and I have done a lot to work on our M and ourselves since Dday, but I have thought a lot about the what if.....what if it happened again years down the road. It's my biggest fear because it felt so out of control the first time and part of what I am working so hard for is to make sure there isn't a next time and that I will not feel so out of control. I want to be like the one girl you have told us about. Anyway, I think if there was to be a next time for me and I still wanted to stay married I would have to do something different than what I did this time which would mean.....I don't know what. Maybe a 12 step or something. I think that is all that is left short of some kind of really intensive therapy.
All that being said, I am curious as to what you have done besides counseling. What have you read or are you planning to read? Is it individual or marriage counseling or both?
The two things I would most like to see you do would be to read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, and I would have you read His Needs Her Needs: Building An Affair Proof Marriage aloud with your W, because that book is the one that revolutionized our M.
I debated PM or thread on this, but for better or worse, I decided on thread. I hope you don't mind.
My H and I have done a lot to work on our M and ourselves since Dday, but I have thought a lot about the what if.....what if it happened again years down the road. It's my biggest fear because it felt so out of control the first time and part of what I am working so hard for is to make sure there isn't a next time and that I will not feel so out of control. I want to be like the one girl you have told us about. Anyway, I think if there was to be a next time for me and I still wanted to stay married I would have to do something different than what I did this time which would mean.....I don't know what. Maybe a 12 step or something. I think that is all that is left short of some kind of really intensive therapy.
All that being said, I am curious as to what you have done besides counseling. What have you read or are you planning to read? Is it individual or marriage counseling or both?
The two things I would most like to see you do would be to read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, and I would have you read His Needs Her Needs: Building An Affair Proof Marriage aloud with your W, because that book is the one that revolutionized our M.
I debated PM or thread on this, but for better or worse, I decided on thread. I hope you don't mind.
And "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
If you want to give your marriage the best chance for successful rebuilding, if you want to truly help your wife heal - don't read this book (and don't have her read it) at least not yet.
Definitely start with Linda MacDonald.
Gabi - would you be so kind to remind the title?
Another great book about infidelity is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
And please go full NC. It is unfair to both your wife and your AP.
Perhaps there are OW here who could pitch in and maybe they will disagree with me but I would say you are NOT helping her at all! You are just prolonging her agony and in fact - misleading her again. The longer you are staying in touch with her the longer she will have hope that you will change your mind and leave your wife for her.
You say you have less and less in common with your wife. What did you have in common when you married her? How invested were you in you marriage? I understand that for the last several years you were not. How do you know that you have less and less in common if you didn't even look for it?
You also need individual therapy. More than anything. You go to couples therapy but it sounds like you are just going through the motions. Your heart is not in it. If so - it is not going to work. Checking yourself into rehab because someone else wants you to will not get you sober. You will relapse as soon as you are out.... You need to hit rock bottom and YOU need to want it bad enough to actually do it. Perhaps what you need is your wife leaving you because until then I don't think you are going to appreciate what you have got there.
You OW2 is, forgive me, dysfunctional, and so is her mother...... It is not a one time "I lost my mind and fell in love". She goes after married men. This is not a healthy behavior. Not to mention that she clearly hasn't learned her lesson. And how on earth is any mother ok with her daughter getting involved with a MM???? How come she doesn't tell her she will get hurt? How come she doesn't tell her "sweety, wait till he actually shows you divorce papers..... cause as long as he is married he is married and not yours to have no matter what he tells you AND you are hurting somebody else. You cannot build your happiness on somebody's misery".
I hope you will find your way.
and read http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_9?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=linda%20macdonald&sprefix=linda+mac%2Caps%2C259 asap
http://www.healinginfidelity.com/index.php?currdir=&currfile=Our+Book.html
It tells our story both of how Gabi ended up in the affair as well as what we did to rebuild that worked for us. Also includes several articles I've written.
Here's a blog post that gives our recommended reading list:
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/01/our-recommended-reading-list.html
After the Affair has some good info and points. I especially liked its treatment of marital issues. However, it is mushy on several points. One being critical to new BSs, as at points it doesn't distinguish the difference between marital issues and the affair, and can sound like it justifies the affair. So we don't recommend it for that reason.
Plus, there are much better books out there. Aside from Not Just Friends, Getting Past the Affair is outstanding. If your therapist hasn't checked that book out yet, he really should.
I very much think it will help you to read those recommended books. You can even get the How to help your spouse heal book as an audio.
Reading some of the things you have said on this thread has given me something new for the first time, a glimpse of what it is like to have what I wanted sooooo badly after Dday. I wanted to end it with OM "My way." I wanted us to be able to talk each other through ending the relationship. I just thought it was too hard and too brutal to just cut it off suddenly. We did have a small amount of contact after Dday. The initial two phone calls and three textversations but that did not feel like nearly enough. I felt a desperate need to talk to him. I thought I needed closure. I felt I needed to help him through his pain.
Problem was, I couldn't. I absolutely couldn't. I was getting that message loud and clear. My H could barely stand the communication we did have. It was killing him. I was also getting that message from what we were reading and from our MC (we could only afford 8 sessions with her) and from our priest so I had to stick with it. It would have been so easy for me to communicate with him under the radar. So easy. I didn't though. Everything that happened (like the note he left on my car and my return note to him) I told my H and the counselor and priest about. I made a fierce determination within myself of honesty and authenticity and doing the right thing no matter how hard. I owed that much to my H.
I see now, though, through your experience with your OW, that the continued communication and trying to help each other through this can be torture. Perhaps more torturous than the empty void and the wondering during the initial stages of NC.