I know the struggle, it can be painful! Where are you at with your M? Does your W know how unhappy you are? Do you feel that's it definitely over, or could it be worked on in MC or IC?

Perhaps it would be worth it to take a break from your AP to get some clarity on how you feel about both your W and AP. And see if the M can be salvaged before you move ahead with the relationship with your AP. when there are children involved, it should be a very well thought out decision to leave

You said in your post that if it wasn't for the kids you would not be in the M anymore. That's not fair to your W. If you don't love her anymore you should end it so she can find true love. My father cheated on my mother for 13 years with the same woman. My mother shared with me that she felt like those years of her life where wasted. She could have been looking for her true love instead of focusing on a man that no longer loved her. Being in a loveless M will hurt your kids too. I know from growing up With my parents.
I'm in no way trying to judge you. I too am a cheater.

I would say if you think you can recapture that spark with your wife then it would be well with trying. The grass may look greener and maybe it is, but maybe it isn't and you just can't tell because of the thick blanket of fog.

I think it is best to maintain an intact family and give the kids the stability and security they deserve. Sometimes that is not possible but if it is I think it is worth pursuing.

You loved your wife once, how did you get off track? How can you get back on track? I do suggest MC and IC. Again, it is worth a shot. You have the history with her, the children, a shared life.

As for the other woman, I don't think a relationship rooted in deception and shame can last, especially when it causes your children pain. But who knows, anything is possible. I'm not saying it can never work, just that the odds are against it.

But I do know this: happiness comes from within and do you probably can be happy in either situation if you work at it. But you will have to work at it either way. Both paths have their challenges.

Good luck.

BS here. So you started an A while your wife was pregnant. Nice. I cannot imagine how horrible this is for her.

Lie to me now or lie to me later.

I think the only fair thing to do is cut your wife free. Sure, she'll be hurting, but at least she can build a better life with an honest man. You will be free to enjoy your mistress who can now be legitimized and be your girlfriend. It's a win win for everyone.

Bern,

About two years ago, I was EXACTLY where you are now emotionally. I was under control of my addiction (yes it is an addiction). Unfortunately, I did not listen to those in my life who told me to get out and me, my W and my two daughters 13 and 5 years old are about to pay a big price.

PLEASE LISTEN TO ME. I have been there. You need to end it with the AP (I don't care what your heart says, she is NOT the love of your life so get over it). There is nothing but pain ahead of you if you do not end it. Sorry if I sound dramatic, but you have to do WHATEVER IT TAKES. to get over (and away from her and walk away. Find a friend to keep you honest. Right now, your brain (the big one and the little one) and heart ARE NOT your friends. THEY ARE LYING TO YOU! i know, I had people tell me the same exact thing back then I ignored them. Trust me, it is not worth it.

I say this all the time, on this board, but I don't care if gold coins come pouring out of her ass, it is still not worth the pain that this will cause you, your children, and your W - especially your children. OW is a grown up so she should get over it (and so should you) , but your children deserve better (just as mine did)

Berniejm, hello and im sorry you are going through this experience. I think thepassenger gave you really good advice. As for the situation you are in, please think about maybe taking a big break from your AP in order to get your head to a more neutral place. The reason why you feel you are addicted and feel like you have fallen in love with your AP is because the affair has set you up to get addicted. You yourself state that most of your mind space is focused on getting those precious few encounters. What is actually happening is that you are in an endless courtship situation and each time you see the AP or have sex with her or talk to her, everything is always happy, your brain gets an oxytocin hit equivalent to a snort of cocaine, all that is left is for you to get your next high. Obviously your married life with kids is probably a lot less exciting than the other life you are leading. Try to get off the addiction to your AP, stay away. If you choose the other route, your fog will continue. Please realize the your AP is divorcing for a reason, it takes two to make a marriage work. When you finally get to experience the whole person she is, your fantasy may not match her reality. Good luck in the decision you make, it is a tough spot to be in.

Bernie, I feel you. I've been there. You can do it know or you can do it later, but at some point you are going to have to go NC.

You know the answer: get out. The feelings you describe are not those of a healthy relationship; your moods shouldn't depend entirely on someone else. Your family deserves better, YOU deserve better for yourself.

Cut the AP loose. She'll survive; as I have and many others on this board.

Only you can 'fix' your life.

^ Oh my God, PD.....I was gonna say the exact same thing! (Using the phrase healthy relationship and all).
Take a step back, if your teenage brother was acting like this and describing a girl and his obsession with her, wouldn't you say, "You need to get a life, go to the gym, go out with friends".....Yeah you are wayyyyy too into this. And, yes, you can help it. No one should be this obsessed with anyone. In the words of our beloved JD: "My kids don't deserve a father who behaves like a lovesick teenager over a girl".

If you really, really, really aren't into your wife anymore, really.....and want to make that leap....take a firm break from this AP and spend that time to think and decide where you want to be. If its real, she'll be there when you are done. (And I'm talking a complete NC break for like 6 months to a year) But I agree with what some have said, buddy if you leave your wife who has an infant and a toddler over some other woman, yeah.....you will be forever shunned, people remember that stuff. I know guys that have done that. Think deep and hard about that. Is she really all that?

On the same token, just like you are experiencing, your wife deserves someone who wants to be 'blissful' with her. If you do take a break, decide this life you have isn't for you, then let her go so she can experience this with a man who loves her and wants to be with her. Don't we all deserve that?

Everyone below me gave better advice than me. Listen to them. Just speaking for myself I completely regret the affair and if I could go back in time I would undo my actions in a heartbeat. That way lies misery.

Maybe someone can be happy with their AP....but odds are against you. And chances are you are setting yourself up for your biggest regret and forever damaging your relationship with your kids.

While I was in my A, I did not refer to it as fantasy land or the fog. Only when I was out of it did I use those terms. Are you sure you are addicted to the OW or just being a CS?

I felt like that when I was in my affair, but the whole thing blew up horrifically. Everyone got hurt, I came to see AP more clearly, and I knew there was no future in a relationship that began as a totally illicit shameful secret. I know how addicting it is to have that outlet. You can only get out by treating it as an addiction and choosing not to live that way. You also probably won't feel as much for your wife while still in contact with your AP. It's a vicious cycle.

Again people take it too seriously and put themselves in trap of deadend with no exit. Why to end anything with AP. What the obcession about needto decide right away.That creates unecessary stress. The fact that it is fun to spend time somewhere does not mean that person does not love spoulse. Basically if AP wants to stay with person they will continue whether you drop spouse or no. If AP threatens to leave if you do not drop wife they will leave anyway later. What the point of jumping from marriage into marriage. Havinggood time somewhere is not guaranty that wife is not loved. Pretty much person can relax and see which one loves them morethat is who will drop out sooner spouse or AP. If both stay that is awesome too. One that needs you more will stay no matter what. Whoever drops out dis not need you that much and would drop out anyway. Usually spouse stays if there is strong marriage. People have bad habitpush for decision and choices and creae stress. Some people even forget to ask AP whether AP wants them to divorce spouse or all is fine as it is. It is naive to think that once you drop spouse and get with AP you will not find new AP. Most of the time that exactly what happens.