Thanks for the info. I'm trying not to just sweep my actions under the rug, but how do I talk to my husband when he rages whenever the topic is brought up? I had got to the point that I started cutting myself to deal with the things that he says when discussing the affair. I had even started contemplating suicide, but got into to a Christian therapist and she taught me steps to stop cutting & to prevent suicide.

In this case I would advise not bringing it up, but it is still your responsibility to help him heal and not rug sweep. I believe you can do this without bringing it up yourself.

Get the book How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual For the Unfaithful By: Linda MacDonald. It comes in audio too if you prefer. You can have the proper attitude without ever bringing it up. You can not rug sweep with your own self, which is where it begins anyway. Your H can see you working on yourself. You can work on yourself spiritually, you can read A recovery books, he can see you going to counseling, writing in a journal, being on a support group, etc....

There are a lot of people on here whose spouses don't know about their A's but they are doing the same thing. Quietly working on themselves, facing what they did, trying to understand all their vulnerabilities and all the contributing factors. Working it out with themselves and dealing with their grief, etc. As they come to a better place and begin to make positive changes in their lives their spouses often notice the positive changes even though they don't know what it is all about.

It would indeed be better if you and your H could work together on this, but if he isn't ready you can still do it alone for now and I believe he will come along in time as he is ready.

If he sees you working on yourself, if he sees changes in you, if he is able to sense your humility (i.e. lack of defensiveness about the A), your authenticity, your openness of heart, these things are bound to get his attention. If you have the proper rebuilding attitude then he will know that it is safe for him to bring it up if he feels the need and you will know how to respond in the optimal way if and when he does.

There may, and hopefully will, come a time when he can process without the anger. There are stages of grief, so his reactions should change over time, and when they do, you will be ready because you have been working on yourself and learning and growing as a person.

I'm so glad you have a good therapist who is helping you.

What is driving you to cut yourself, and what does your husband think of it? Your pain from the infidelity is real, too. Your thoughts of suicide should not be ignored. Keeping you silent won't solve anything; it would only make you more vulnerable, which could lead to more betrayal. You only offered a few sentences, so I can't give you much advice.

But it seems like the biggest thing you need from your husband right now is forgiveness. Even if he said he forgave you, he hasn't. Forgiveness includes moving past that type of anger, and until he can truly forgive you, you will not be able to move forward. Neither of you will.

Thank you all for listening and your suggestions. I stopped cutting myself after my therapist suggested writing instead of cutting. I'm not really sure why I was cutting myself, but when we "talk" about the affair (which means me being quite and H asking questions and answering them himself,telling me how he did me a favor marrying me, belittling my entire family, and telling me how stupid I am for cheating on him for a person that doesn't meet his educational standards) the only thing that would give me comfort while enduring these 3-4 talks (which always start around 12am). I told him that I was cutting and thinking about suicide. The first time I eluded to having suicidal thoughts H told me not to because he needed me. The next time I just came straight out and said I have been cutting myself and think about suicide. He told me to get over it and that only weak people think like that. Since then I keep things to myself or I tell my therapist.
@Weakminded I am looking for true forgiveness, but so far I that hasn't happened. The funny thing is my husband says he forgives me, but if he has a bad day at work or is stressing he "unforgives" me and starts the entire process "talking" all over. I get that what I did was wrong and I'll be trying to make up for it for the rest of my life, but I don't think that my H should get a free pass to make me the verbal punching bag or make me the cause of everything that goes wrong in his life.

I'm sorry to hear that TR, but I think your husband really does love you. His communication skills are just off. He called you weak out of anger. As the betrayed, he may feel insulted that you even talk about your pain. There will be up and down days. Sometimes my ex would call almost everyday, and then sometimes he will go a week without calling. It's like a nightmare that you keep reliving. Give him some time to process it all.

However, he has no right to be verbally and emotionally abusive to you. I just say go about your life merry, do special things for him, and do them naturally. Just try things to get his mind off of it right now and distract him because he obviously isn't handling it well, which is to be expected. Take care of yourself and don't mope around the house. It isn't going to win you sympathy, believe me. But he will open up if you provide positive energy. You give out positive energy, then you receive positive energy. The suicide talk...not positive. I'm telling you stuff that works. Good luck!

TR, glad your therapist helped you with the cutting and suicidal thoughts. One question. How long has it been since discovery day (the day he found out)?

From what you've said, it has been under a month or two. That is a difficult time for the BS. They generally have wildly swing emotional responses. We call it the emotional roller coaster. Which makes it a difficult time for the CS too, who is dealing with that, sometimes guilt, and frequently their feelings for their affair partner if that was abruptly interrupted. It is a lot of emotional stress for both the BS and the CS.

I second what my wife, Gabi, said. Also, Weakminded is on target. Hopefully your therapist is also giving you help along these lines. One of my previous articles may also be of help for you:

Defining Evil
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2013/10/defining-evil.html

Self-Esteem: Infidelity's Biggest Trigger
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2013/09/self-esteem-infidelitys-biggest-trigger.html

@Cole I told my H in March. The affair lasted for about 8 months. Prior to the affair our marriage was in trouble due to communication, in laws, and personality differences. Thank you all for the suggestion, books, and links. I'm going to use them. I'm going to work on me and hopefully it has a positive effect on my marriage and spouse.