I met this man while married. Became friends and gradually grew feelings over 6 months. I was very lonely depressed in marriage, asked husband to open our marriage - he said no. Then I started affair. We are divorcing now - still good friends and co parents, business partners. AP and I are planning to be together, but I have my doubts if we are just in a bubble that will burst once reality sets in. On the other hand, I have never felt such strong feelings of chemistry, connection, and belonging with another person.

I know the "common wisdom" that you hear is that AP relationships after divorce won't work out. However, there have been quite a few well-known celebrity marriages that had their roots in an affair:
Paul Newman and Joanne Woodwad
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson
Julia Roberts and Danny Moder
and more....

I don't see why it can't work. The only thing that might get in the way is guilt - but really, if you've both gotten out of an unhappy marriage, what is there to feel bad about? Guilt is a poisonous emotion, and to me, if two consenting adults choose to continue or not continue with a relationship, it's no crime. If you and your partner love each other strongly and don't become overwhelmed with any guilty feelings, I think you will be successful. Good luck.

If you leave your marriage for your AP, don't count on it working out. You'll be disappointed to say the least. Your AP won't meet your expectations nor will you meet your AP's expectations. If your marriage is over then get out and plan to be alone for awhile. Don't leave one problem for another.

From the newspaper column Savage Love:

I’m a 36-year-old heterosexual female who has been reading you for the better part of 20 years. That’s why when my formerly lovely husband descended into a hellish depression that turned our 10-year marriage into a loveless, sexless, miserable thing that I didn’t recognize, I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t get out for various financial, personal, and practical reasons, so I began an emotionally fulfilling, sanity-saving affair with a married man in the same situation. My emotional and sexual needs are getting met for the first time in years. The problem is that when we are together, my mind goes to how much I wish we could both chuck our marriages and be together all of the time, and I feel more miserable in my marriage because I can’t help comparing the two men in my life. Do you have any advice for keeping from mentally going to “happily ever after” when you are trying to stay balanced in marriage-saving-affair land? —Secret Affair Necessary Escape

An affair doesn’t come bundled with the same crap that a marriage does, SANE, so your time with Happy Affair Man isn’t burdened by mental and/or physical health crises, just as it’s not roughed up by ever-festering conflicts about money or chores or kids or all of the above. So let’s say you left Depressed Husband Man for Happy Affair Man, and he left his wife for you. How long would it be before you and Second Husband Man were facing down some similar crap or brand-new crap? Probably not long. You might be happier, but you won’t be happily-ever-after happier because no one ever is. The subject is moot, of course, if you’re not in a position to end your marriage and Happy Affair Man isn’t either. —Dan

I've seen it work; BUT I've seen it fail 99% more than I've seen success. More complicated is if children are involved, especially from both ends. Think about how everyone will react once the fog lifts. Logistics and feelings will not be easy.

I wanted a life with my AP more than I've ever wanted anything, ANYTHING in the world. I would have done anything to be with him (and almost did). Now, 6 months later, I am SO SO SO thankful we didn't go down that road.

My M isn't perfect, but it belongs to me and he didn't, and never will.

I've seen it work just a couple of times. One case is an elderly couple I know. They were both married at the time when they first met each other as school teachers about 30 years ago. The started a torrid love affair that led to discovery and both of them getting fire from their teaching jobs. The both subsequently divorced their spouses and married each other. They're still together some 30 years later. They were clearly "meant" to be together. The main thing will always be the trust issues. My AP and I discussed this awhile back and it's always tempered any idea we might have on being together. The summary was, even if I was willing to leave my wife for her, there would always be significant trust issues because in her eyes I'd always be the guy who was willing to cheat on his wife. For however long we'd be together as a true couple or husband/wife, her mind would constantly be overwhelmed with, "how do I know he's not cheating on me?" It would ultimately lead to the destruction of our relationship, there is no doubt.

I haven't but my dad did many years ago. He was cheating on my mom with the woman who is now my stepmom. I was very young at the time. My mom found out and divorced him. My dad & stepmom married soon after and are still happily married today, 35+ yrs later. I guess they were meant to be. I think about this a lot given my own situation as I have young kids as well and think about the effect my A and a possible divorce would have on them (whether or I not I would end up with OM),

Tulips, if you are comfortable answering, how did the situation with your parents' divorce and remarriage affect you as a child? A lot of us in this position are considering the effect it may have on our children.

Minspa, happy to share as I think about it a lot as well, both the effect it had on me as a child & how it continues to affect me as a wife/mother/cheater. I think my situation was perhaps more difficult than normal bc my parents were on opposite sides of the country & it was like all or nothing with each parent (school year with mom, summer with dad). But i have had great relationships with both parents plus my stepmom & my siblings from that marriage. I think the experience is part of who I am & that my parents did the best they could & i can't really complain. I didn't find out that my dad cheated until I was an adult which I think helped.

Tulips, thanks for sharing. It's good to hear that your experience turned out mostly positive. My parents are still married; however, I learned as an adult that they've both been unfaithful to each other over the years, which was not a total shock, since they've never gotten along particularly well. I've never seen them show any sort of romantic affection towards each other - ever. Not sure how this has affected my marriage/infidelity - will have to think about that and maybe post at a later date. But alas, I'm getting off topic here :-)

Great feedback - thank you all so much for sharing. It gives me hopes although I can see how many problems are possible during transitioning to normal relationship. My AP and I had been yearning to be together. As my divorce is now a looming reality, there is a certain cooling off in our feelings. To be honest, when I embarked on my affair, I was aware that infatuation is temporary and that I didn't want to live with regret of letting go of love before it has reached its natural end (I had let the love of my life go 15 years ago and never forgave myself, so this affair has helped me work through my regrets and recover from them). Somehow I hoped once the feelings in my affair taper, I would be able to return to my marriage the same person. However, now I realize that I can't. My feelings for husband are gone completely, my feelings for AP have gotten deeper but the attraction is fading. I need to figure out a way to make AP relationship get a solid foundation as I do want to make it work. What are some tips to follow, steps to transition. My divorce is making me depressed and insecure which I am projecting on AP and he feels guilty and wanting to get distanced.