Guilt is only healthy to some limit, that's for certain. Otherwise, we get mired in it and can't forgive ourselves, decide to make different choices in the future, and move forward.

This is actually something I've been working on, personally. Well, close to this topic, anyway.

Guilt is a feeling of remorse over something we've done. Case in point - I feel guilty (hence the name) about the 4 affairs I had.

Shame is a feeling we have about who we are. Self hatred, self loathing....I've heard it called many things.

I'm strugging, at the moment, to just be okay with who I am. To accept that I have needs in life, and that it is okay to discuss them, to have them, to ask for them to be filled. To accept that these needs (a part of me!) led me down a really dark path.... and that these needs aren't going to go away.

Agree. I have been considering EMDR for this reason (core shame).

GuiltyasSin you are spot on once again.

"I'm strugging, at the moment, to just be okay with who I am. To accept that I have needs in life, and that it is okay to discuss them, to have them, to ask for them to be filled. To accept that these needs (a part of me!) led me down a really dark path.... and that these needs aren't going to go away."

I have a shame/guilt combo daily. But i shared this with my H recently and I am glad that I did. I am trying to be open with him so that he knows that I am also hurting. That my feelings also matter. And in return he shared his feelings with me.

GravingGirl what is EMDR?

I agree with GuiltyasSin!

Yes, shame is almost always confused with guilt. They are two entirely separate things. A moral code of conduct is essential for any sort of a good life, but that morality needs to be genuine, coming from the self. Guilt occurs rightfully when we do something against our understanding of goodness. However, shame blocks us from one of the most valuable outcomes of guilt, which is the learning that helps us grow, make amends, and move on.

Guilt continues to beat me, more as a weapon in my own hands. Shame is the other side of that weapon. I do not see guilt as useful for me, I tried it and honestly I started to vanish and withdrew, it was easier than becoming vulnerable to making another mistake. Problem is I don't have a better answer.

I tried EMDR, please get an experienced recommended practitioner, mine was lacking and left me living 8 years of sexual, physical, mental and emotional abuse from my childhood in 48 hours. I came close to being unglued. Great option but find someone who knows what they are doing.