Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Hi there. New to this group, and it's been useful to me to read so many stories from other people. I feel less alone, and more encouraged.
My story, in a nutshell, is that my W (of 2 years) and I had agreed that we were OK w/ casual outside fun (i.e. hookups). However, the first time I found someone "fun" (on a work trip) I became way more enamored than I thought I would be—texting flirtatiously a lot. My W said it went beyond our arrangement (b/c there seemed to be a growing emotional attachment) and asked that I stop. I said I would, but just tried to do it behind my W's back. She caught me, and has since moved out (about a week ago). I have a more detailed post on all this here: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous/discussions/messages/20693287
Anyways, my W and I are trying to make things work, despite no longer living together. We've been in marriage counseling for more than a month, and we're going to try to go on dates about once per week. In my mind, it will be more similar to when we first met, as after the date there might be a timid kiss and a "Goodnight" before we head to our respective homes. Hopefully, we're able to build a new, stronger foundation, as I know the old one has been damaged.
Tonight is the first real date we'll go on since she moved out. I'm wondering if other people have gone down similar paths with their spouses, trying to reconcile after an A by going slow with "dating?" What advice would you give me for dating my wife, strange as that may sound?
My story, in a nutshell, is that my W (of 2 years) and I had agreed that we were OK w/ casual outside fun (i.e. hookups). However, the first time I found someone "fun" (on a work trip) I became way more enamored than I thought I would be—texting flirtatiously a lot. My W said it went beyond our arrangement (b/c there seemed to be a growing emotional attachment) and asked that I stop. I said I would, but just tried to do it behind my W's back. She caught me, and has since moved out (about a week ago). I have a more detailed post on all this here: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous/discussions/messages/20693287
Anyways, my W and I are trying to make things work, despite no longer living together. We've been in marriage counseling for more than a month, and we're going to try to go on dates about once per week. In my mind, it will be more similar to when we first met, as after the date there might be a timid kiss and a "Goodnight" before we head to our respective homes. Hopefully, we're able to build a new, stronger foundation, as I know the old one has been damaged.
Tonight is the first real date we'll go on since she moved out. I'm wondering if other people have gone down similar paths with their spouses, trying to reconcile after an A by going slow with "dating?" What advice would you give me for dating my wife, strange as that may sound?
As a BS (having experienced extreme hurt from betrayal), and after hearing your story, you know I think you are a keeper. Had the "hook-up" agreement not existed, you would not have gone down the road that you did. Does she understand that? This "hook-up" agreement has been eliminated from your marriage. So it follows that you two should be able to rebuild and trust again, and live by higher standards to protect your marriage.
You might tell her about the parallel here--had the "platonic dating" agreement not existed in my relationship, my boyfriend would not have gone down the road to cheating like he did. The "platonic dating" agreement has been eliminated from our relationship, and we are rebuilding. Over a year later, we are closer than we ever were before, as we live by higher standards to protect our relationship.
I am a lot older than you with a lot of life experience, this is wisdom that comes from living on this earth a while!
And BTW, do something really special for her on this date--not over the top crazy, which might make her suspicious, but something sweet---like bringing her a single rose or taking her someplace that she really loves. Find some live music and have a couple of glasses of wine---and just enjoy!
I have told my wife exactly what you said: Had the "hook-up" agreement not existed, I would not have gone down the road that I did. Of course, there is no way to say for certain what I would have done w/o the agreement—that's an alternate universe that didn't happen. But I do firmly believe I wouldn't have taken this road. I think the struggle for my wife right now is truly believing this. It seems like she wants to, but at the same time, she sort of sees my lying and deceit as more of a universal thing—it doesn't matter as much what caused it, but the fact that I was capable of being so deceitful has her thinking twice about me as a person and partner.
I'm just going to try to show (rather than say) that I'm a better person that I exhibited in all of this, and prove that I am truly learning from my mistakes. At the end of the day, this is all I can do, and I will take comfort in knowing that my effort is at 100%.
Food for thought--was not your lying and deceit the result of having got too involved with your AP, something you originally did not set out to do? Most likely you were under the influence of Dopamine, having a Flame Addiction. There is information online about these two things. These things do not excuse bad behavior, but it does help explain how someone is capable of doing something contrary to their normal nature.
Have a great evening!!! And weekend. Keep smiling.
And if you are inclined to do so, ask God to help you. You know, God hates divorce--it says so in the Bible.