who decided you needed to move out? Does she really want you to move out? If so then I guess she needs some time to try and make a rational decition about what she is going to do.
Just know that you have a really long hard road after choosing to have an affair. That she will deal with it in her own way and still may very well be in the shock stage I was in that stage for at least 3 months after my wife had an affair and can barely even remember it. I was defistated beyond nothing I had ever felt.
You have to do what ever it is she needs. If she wants to have nothing to do with you, that's what you have to do. If she needs to go to MC before talking to you elsewhere then that is what you need to do.

There is no easy road or path here I am sorry that you had this happen to your marriage and family but it is a very good sign that you are so remorsful. That you desire to save the marriage is a really good thing.

I do not know how your marriage will work out but it will take a lot of work from you both. It will right now so early in the stages of dealing with it be very emotional and as time passes it will get easier but you will both probably go threw a lot of different feelings and swings in recovery.

Keep positive and work hard to try and help your wife cope in anyway you can. She may not want to talk at all right now, then in a month want to know everything, or she may never want to know.

We all on both sides BS and CS have to work threw things and we all work threw them differently. Get some good books on affairs and learn why you did it, and how to prevent it again, and how to help her heal.

Good luck I really hope that you both can work threw this and have a more honest and open happier marriage on the other side.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

Daily....I know you mentioned seeing a therapist. Are you and your W seeing a therapist together as well? I hope so, I just worry your moving out of the home is one step closer to a possible end to the Marriage. If your wife really wants the space- I suppose you have to honor that. I do feel you have to give your wife time to process the A, and while it is great that you are so remorseful about the A, maybe constantly apologizing to her- is causing her more pain. Her wound is healing but you keep picking at the scab. Jason21 is right you have a long, long road ahead, but it sounds like you heart is in the right place. In time, hopefully your wife will see that too. I wish you the best of luck- keep us updated, and we are here for you!

Thank you bluesky4. yes she definitely wants some space to process. the good news is that she says she has come a long way from her initial feelings - immediate divorce - but is still unclear as to how she will feel once she settles down. We have 5 beautiful kids and I know that we have a really strong love for each other but I have obviously betrayed that love so much. I cut off the A right away and have absolutely no interest in her. It was more of a "paid" type of relationship from the beginning but it obviously stroked some part of my ego. I know I am going to come out the other side a much stronger and better person overall, I just hope I get to share that person with my wife.

It is so hard to be around her, in some ways things are "normal", we talk about the kids, we are dealing with Holiday stuff, and we smile at each other. But then we talk about the A or the plans for me to move out and she is so cold, it really hurts. I know it is to be expected but it still hurts a ton.

I really appreciate this support group. We are trying to be very private about the whole situation so I really don't have many people to talk to.

BTW, she is not ready for MC yet. I am going to meet with several in the area so that when she is ready we can start immediately. In the meantime, I am seeing my own therapist regularly.

She can be so cruel. I know I deserve it but it is so hard to remember that when she is so cold and mean. I don't react outwardly but I am absolutely dying inside. So hard, such a struggle everyday. How could I do this to her and everyone else?

Hang in there Daily....as I'm sure you are aware, your wife is going to have a lot of ups and downs with all of this. I actually think her being cold, or getting angry is good. It is good she is not keeping it all bottled up. With time and healing her emotions will normalize. It is really good you are in therapy- hopefully at some point your wife will join you for marital counseling. I'm sure with the holidays and with you moving out- there is a lot going on and time is limited. Maybe once you get past the holiday season she will be ready to focus on marital counseling, etc. I think most of us- who are further past our affairs ask ourselves the question of How we could do this to our spouse or significant other? I ask myself that question often. I have reasons & justifications, but there really are no excuses. I am human though, and most of us on here, never thought we would cheat on our partners. Our affairs are terrible terrible mistakes- but they are not who we are. They do not completely define us. It is hard to not only for our spouses to forgive us, but for us to forgive ourselves. With time- it will become more and more a part of our past. A hard lesson learned.

I think that her being cold and angry is just to be expected. My wife kept thinking I wanted to hit her and worse I never even thought about laying a hand on her but there were nights I woke from nightmares in the early stages just to yell at her because they were nightmares of the two of them together doing things that were supose to be for me and not anyone else.
My wife had to endure some really crule words from me and I would bounce off the walls like a ping pong ball of emotion. Way up Way down. This lasted for many months. You have to understand her pain is very deep her whole perspective of the World has changed.
When the person you trust the most gets tossed into this position a lot of times everything they thought they could trust in is wiped out of there intelect. It was the most painful and eye opening experence ever for me.
I also do not think she really wants you to move out? Before you do you really need to have an open talk about it. She may really look at that as you do not want to do the work but and would be abandoning her.
I know this sounds strange since you understand how much hurt you caused her.
Before you move really ask her probably more than once and let her know how much you do not want to move and that you are willing to hang in there threw all of her emotions and ups and downs.
Maybe appoligize less and just show her how much you are willing to work on things.

My wife could to this day apoligize over and over and her words do not mean nearly what they used to I still can not take her words as truth even though most of the time my heart tells me that she is being truthful with me. I have to see proof to truly know that it is truth. I want so despritaly not to feel this way I was always a very trusting man and am working on getting back there but it is very hard after her affair.
If she tells me I am going shopping then comes back with nothing I would be very scepticle of that.
If she is going out with friends I trust that is truth when I see pictures of her with her friends.

Nothing will ever be the same if both of you work very hard the marriage can thrive but it does so almost as a new marriage not the same. One thing it does not need to be the same there has to be changes even if you were in a really great marriage as I was.

I can tell that your heart is really good and you have all of the qualities of someone that can make it threw this and live the rest of your life not making the same mistake. Not all CS have that.
I really hope this helps a little and that you have a wonderful Christmas.
I do not know if you are religious or not, I was not before the affair, now I am a lot more so.
I know that without praying a lot with my wife and on my own that God helped us so much.
That God helped me so much. I wish you lots of luck and am here if you need anyone to talk to even though I look at things from the other side I try real hard to help any on DS that I can.

Every marriage heals in its own way. You canread my open journals to understand why living seperately helped my marriage heal. I believe the main open one is marked "my story".

Thank you to everyone for replying and posting. I can't tell you how much it helps. This morning it actually helped me get out of bed. I was lying in bed for hours trying to get the energy to get up. I saw the emails notifications on m phone and it got me out of bed to go read the replies and posts.

pinkpony, I would really like to read your journal on living separately but I can't find it or don't seem to have access. I am struggling with moving out as I want to be close to my W and my kids. I want her to see the work I am doing and going to do. I want to start working on our marriage and life right now and waiting seems like the hardest thing to do. On the other hand, I do understand her need for space to process. So confusing and emotionally draining.

Also, does anyone have any advice on why mornings are so hard? I feel okay at night time, I have energy and have confidence in the ability to rebuild. But then I wake up early in the morning and can't stop feeling hopeless. We are still sleeping in the same room (until I move out) and all I want to do is wake her up and tell her all of the emotions I am feeling.

Thank you again to everyone.

Hey Daily,

what you are feeling sounds very much like what I have been experiencing. DDay was about a month and a half ago. For the first couple of weeks I struggled so much and my W was amazing. She kept comforting me when I had panic attacks about loosing my AP. It was an odd situation, but she loves me. Then there were moments when she was angry and couldn't stand the sight of me.

Mornings were the hardest (still are). I started drinking a bit to get through the night also, I couldn't sleep. I am now on anti-depression meds. I moved out a week ago, not because she asked me, but because I recognized that she needs space. My presence makes it hard if not difficult for her to process her own feelings devoid of me. I feel sad a lot and a lot of the time I feel single and I hate it. We are cordial, but I can't help feeling like a disappointment. I don't know when or if I will be back. I need to give her time and be patient and wait on her timetable.

I am sorry it isn't easy. But stay strong. You'll do ok. :)

I hope you are in a better place now. Mornings are the worst for me too, i get out of bed only because I need to take care of my daughter. I try to fill my day with work so that I dont have to think of all the pain I have caused and the pain I am in (I am a CS and now H wants to marry someone else). Good luck to you!