Apologize. Sincerely. Take responsibility for the poor choices you made. Made amends to them for what you've done. You have to remake your relationship and make sure your needs are both known and met. It’s your responsibility to communicate your needs to them when they aren’t. Similarly, you must meet THEIR needs too and make sure you’re finding out where you are falling short. You must make changes in your behavior to show them that you are now living an open, honest, and transparent life. No secrets. Appropriate boundaries with members of the opposite sex. You have to do what it takes to make them feel “safe” again.

Hi Gabrielle- I'm surprised there haven't been more responses to this post, but I guess that is how it goes sometimes. I will say first- I have not nor do I plan to tell my spouse about my online A that I have ended as of last December. But with that being said, the things I am doing to heal from this experience are as follows:

1. I went to therapy to figure out why I would do such a thing in my marriage of 15 years at the time. Even after Therapy...the relationship was a bit off and on until this past December. When I knew I just couldn't continue in the A. That it was not healthy in any way. It was tearing my soul apart and obviously indirectly affecting my marriage, even though my H didn't and still doesn't know. But what I learned in Therapy stayed with me, and made me question my behavior a lot. I also was able to heal some childhood wounds which were indirectly part of why I was vulnerable to the A. So to really grasp why for me a generally upstanding member of society, a good wife, an excellent mother, a good daughter, sister etc would cheat on a very good man and husband- therapy was very necessary. I do take full responsibility for my actions, but it was helpful to understand what was behind my actions.

2. I have found it very important to get back in touch with my faith. I am a christian, but yes I am appalled at my behavior. I have sought forgiveness with my God and Savior, and I daily stay in touch with him. I am still a work in progress but I am so much healthier mentally and spiritually than I was a year ago.

3. Even though my H doesn't know the betrayal that happened against him, I do my best to make it up to him everyday. I would say despite my A- I really am a good wife, but yes, I am focusing much more on his needs and how I can be a better wife to him. What can I do during the day to make his day a better etc. I am also, learning to allow myself to share with my H, when I'm feeling stressed or upset. I'm relearning to rely on him for strength and support- where as before I was relying on my OM for these things instead of my H. Prior to my A- my H had a breakdown from the stress at his job (which can be very stressful)...after that ...several stressful events were going on in my life (dealing with caregiving to an elderly parent, dealing with a crazy ex hubby, and then my H had to go out of the country to work and I had to stay at home since my daughter was finishing her last year and a half of High School)...after 2 years of dealing with these things, and internalizing a lot of my stress, I ended up having an online A. I was not seeking an A, but none the less it happened. I ended up relying on my Om for a lot of emotional support, as I was afraid to stress my H out more than he already was with his job etc. My H is doing a lot better now, but even last year in 2011...he almost had another breakdown. I have had to learn much healthier ways of dealing with my stress than having an A, and now that my H is doing a lot better, I am relearning to trust that he is there for more, and can be a support to me.

4. I am learning how to deal with my stress by making healthier choices. I am exercising regularly, eating healthier, continuing to read self help books, and focusing on being more giving to others.

5. I am learning to be kinder to myself and to forgive myself. I don't think I have fully forgiven myself for my bad choice and actions, but I am working on it. Ultimately the A took a very hard toll on my self esteem, which has never been that high to begin with. I was and I am extremely ashamed of my behavior. But I do know I will have to forgive myself completely in order to fully move on at some point.

Hope this helps a little, and I hope a few more people share what they are doing to heal.