Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
i used to be the other woman in my last relationship, and i'd like to say to all of the OW out there- i know how unfair an affair is on us and that we get absolutely no sympathy at all, we don't all intend to go out there with this goal of finding a married man and fallin in love and ruining this family and their lives, we too have feelings and when a man tries over and over to get u to be with them- sometimes the temptation is too much and we fall for it and go with them and fall in love- and this is partly our doing- don't get me wrong i am not sayin its not half our fault - but the thing is- the men who cheat are forgiven or sympathized with - and us- we are left standing here , everyone thinks we have no feelings, well we do- u wanna know what we want for the married men we are with- we want them to be happy- and they tell us - we make them happy and we believe it ! because we love them... and when they dump us- we are told to leave them alone- no we aren't the wives- but we still sit in bed everynight and cry our eyes out, we eat ice cream and chocolate and chips til we are going to bust, watch sad movies and listen to sad music, we long for them to come back to us, and we envy u wives- for we know deep down you will always have them and their hearts, so i just wanted to point out that we have hearts too- we bleed like everyone else- we hurt , we care, we are not evil- we are messed up sometimes or get into messed up situations, but for the most part- we get caught up in the promises and i love you's and all the other loving things that these men do for us, we get emotionally attached and for this we do get what we deserve- we get broken hearts, we go for months without getting up and going to work- we stop eating, we drink , we smoke, we are not the enemy- we are the victims in this too...... cheating is an act that affects everyone- not just 2 sides, it changes our lives, makes us scared to love anyone without doing a background check, makes us scared to love period...... just wanted to say my peace on this- please don't leave negative hateful remarks or comments on this , i felt the OW side should be told and shared......
Ergo, he gets what he wanted the whole time. He wins.
He was searching for something that he found within himself... no amount of cheating or sex and stroking by me, his wife, would have mattered. What he found is a flawed man who went looking for happiness somewhere else when it was under his nose the whole time.
He would give anything to take that time in his life back and do it over. He lost a lot. He lost his best friends trust and total respect for the loyal, stand up, truthful man that he was... He's working hard at gaining it back but he knows he will never be the same knight in shining armor that he was before the
A. No one can say that he's the winner in this...
And where is the OW? Living her life like she always has, with no care for anyone but herself. She stepped into my world, she wanted my life. My H made her no promises, never told her he loved her. Didn't buy her gifts or take her places. She thought if she could hold on he would feel differently about her. For the most part he spent less than an hour with her at any given time. If she refuses to grow from this experience that's her problem, not mine...
We also want our husbands to be happy and they tell us that we make them happy. They beg us not to leave them when we finally learn the truth. They lie to us to keep us hanging on. At least the OW knows what is really going on and what they have gotten themselves into. We don't. Most of the time we are in the dark about what is really happening. We are told that this woman who is hanging around and that our H is focusing a lot of attention on is "just a friend". When we tell our H's about our fears and suspicions we are often told that we are just being paranoid, jealous and possessive. We question our intuition and our sanity. Once we learn the truth some of us tolerate the continuing relationship because our Hs tell us they need time to sort things out. Many of us also drink too much and often need medication to deal with having our world turned upside down. We also lay in bed and cry while our H is out with the OW. We lose weight, our hair falls out, we can't work, we can't eat, we can't sleep, we can't function. We fear for our future and think about what it will be like to lose everything we have worked our whole life to build up. Its a nightmare and It isn't what we signed up for, but we hang in there because we love them and we stay with them after they have done one of the worst things in the world they can do to us because we also want them to be happy. If the OW in my situation truly wanted my H to be happy she would have left him alone when he was obviously agonizing over what he was doing. If she wanted him to be happy she would have backed off and let him try to work things out with me rather than hounding him and pressuring him to be with her. It was much more about her happiness than his.
I have sympathy for the OW who is told by the MM that he is single. I don't have much sympathy for the OW who knows all along that the man is married. I also have little sympathy for the OW who finds out the man is married and keeps pushing and then tries to take him from his wife when she is told repeatedly that he wants to work things out in his marriage. If you choose to walk into a burning building and then get burned, you can't expect much sympathy from others. Wait until the ink is dry on the divorce papers before putting your heart on the line or don't expect any sympathy when the divorce never happens.
The OW in our case is in the exact some place that she was in before she seduced my H and tried to take my life. The life of someone who thought she was her friend and trusted her completely with her H because of that friendship. She is still doing what she has always done. On the other hand, my marriage and the way I see my H is forever changed.
As much as this has stirred up things that I want to say (many things similar to what Ami said and she said them well), I will not do that here. This is a cheater's board and I feel that I need to try to respect your right to vent your feelings safely. Maybe just a separate post from the other side would be in order.
Just take this and learn from it. Don't let yourself get in this mess again.
Hugs - Alex :)