Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
This may be an unanswerable question, but I'll give it a shot and see what you all think.
For those who have been in the fog of an affair and come out of it, how would you answer these questions:
1. What, if anything, would have ended the mindset driving the affair earlier than it did? What, if you know, would it have taken to break you out of that fantasy?
2. How did it end, if you are able to pinpoint the cause of its demise?
3. Do you think you could have prevented going into that mindset, and if so, how?
I should qualify what I mean by "fog" so we're on the same page. I'm referring to that state of mind where one's passions/emotions control one's decision making process so that logic and reason take a back seat. Like, you know a decision will hurt some people (H, W, kids, yourself) but you do it anyway because you're being driven by your emotions and what they want, so much so it is hard to even focus on consequences, or if you do, it has little affect on your decisions.
I ask in part because in my short time here, several have come through here in the midst of an A or longing for one, and no matter the logic or warnings of consequences, I'm not sure I've seen one that has said, "You know what? You're right. I'm ending this before it goes any further." Even if I've missed one or two who did, it appears to be a rare circumstance. I'm wondering if there is any way to help these folk. Obviously just saying "Don't do it! You'll regret it the rest of your life," doesn't work. So we watch helplessly as person after person runs off that cliff.
Any thoughts?
For those who have been in the fog of an affair and come out of it, how would you answer these questions:
1. What, if anything, would have ended the mindset driving the affair earlier than it did? What, if you know, would it have taken to break you out of that fantasy?
2. How did it end, if you are able to pinpoint the cause of its demise?
3. Do you think you could have prevented going into that mindset, and if so, how?
I should qualify what I mean by "fog" so we're on the same page. I'm referring to that state of mind where one's passions/emotions control one's decision making process so that logic and reason take a back seat. Like, you know a decision will hurt some people (H, W, kids, yourself) but you do it anyway because you're being driven by your emotions and what they want, so much so it is hard to even focus on consequences, or if you do, it has little affect on your decisions.
I ask in part because in my short time here, several have come through here in the midst of an A or longing for one, and no matter the logic or warnings of consequences, I'm not sure I've seen one that has said, "You know what? You're right. I'm ending this before it goes any further." Even if I've missed one or two who did, it appears to be a rare circumstance. I'm wondering if there is any way to help these folk. Obviously just saying "Don't do it! You'll regret it the rest of your life," doesn't work. So we watch helplessly as person after person runs off that cliff.
Any thoughts?
I wish I could say though that if I could go back to that moment right before the A started and chose NOT to do it, that I would. I can't say that. I don't regret it. He is my best friend and I have never had anything close to that before in my life. I feel like someone on this earth finally gets me. So, I guess until I get to the point where I can say that I regret this happening, I won't be able to end things. It's sad. I hate living like this. But I feel like I don't have a choice. I don't want to love without him. I know that I physically can, but I have no desire to at this point. And that eats away at me every day.
- it is impossible to find balance in anything in your life
- I went from a happy person to a depressed person
- I see I psychiatrist and a psychologist and I am on medication for depression
- it puts a strain on all the other relationships in your life
- It has taken Time away from my children and they do not have a "whole" and happy mom
- the pain of not being with your AP is excruciating
- you have to deal with them being with their spouses
- extreme jealousy
- you live with extreme guilt and worry every day
- it is expensive
-time with them is never enough and you aren't ever satisfied
- Somedays you wish you could die or just pack up and move away from your family just to make it stop bc it is too difficult to live this life
- nothing else can make you as happy as your AP so the rest of your life can be very disappointing
- you can't be with your AP for tough things that you want to be able to fully support them in. (Like death or sickness in the family or even if they get sick or hurt)
- you will always live with feelings that you aren't good enough compared to their spouse bc they can't choose you
- you will have physical and emotional reactions to things that happen in your relationship that make you unable to function in daily life
And these are just a few.
The OM ended it, because I couldn't handle my emotions and he was not looking for anything serious. By handle my emotions, I was not pushing for anything serious or declaring my undying love for him. I was just jumpy, nervous, very confrontational about his actions. I realize now, I was not comfortable with what I was doing, although at the time, I thought I would have given up everything to continue it. Now I look back and think I was unconsciously sabotaging it.
I wish I could answer this and say that had I come here and sought advice, yes. The truth is, it all happened over a course of months where we were just friends and once we crossed the line, it never really turned into anything emotional, for him at least. I don't think at that time anything could have changed my course, as much as I wish everyday that it had.
#2. OM ended it. After 2 ½ yrs of me being the love of his life, he said we have no future. This isn’t someone I just met. We were friends 25+ years ago. Just goes to show you how people can change. BUT, about a month before he ended the R, I had decided to stay with my H & eventually end the R. The way the AP constantly professed his undying love for me I was reluctant to end bc I didn’t want to hurt him or throw him into some kind of emotional problem (I have since learned they do this to keep you engaged til they're done with you). I think he suspected I was ready to end it & that’s why he ended it first. Like buffy said, I look back and think I was unconsciously sabotaging it. It didn’t matter. I was addicted & still was devastated when he ended the R. Thank god for these cheater sites where I got answers to the nagging question of “why do I care”? After 9 months, I’m still struggling with his ability to stay away from me.
#3. Something was missing. At the start of the R, I was dissatisfied with how my M of 23 years had turned out. It was simply me needing someone to talk to. I didn’t have any plans to meet with him being I had gained 50 lbs since he last saw me & didn’t have any reason to think I would lose the weight having tried without success for 10 years. Immediately after speaking with him I went on a diet & lost the 50 lbs. xMM even admitted to manipulating me into a meeting. He said “you’d open the door a crack & I’d push, you’d open the door a little farther & I’d push harder”. Clearly, it was low self esteem & boredom being the major contributors for the A. After I was hooked, it became passion & intimacy like I’ve never known with any other man in my life. If you have low self esteem & an addictive personality, that is an affair time bomb waiting to happen. If you’re the spouse, help your partner be the best they can be, content with their lives so they won’t become prey to these guys/gals. I take full responsibility for my actions, however, all it takes is the right set of circumstances & someone waiting to take advantage. That's the part that sucks the most, not knowing if the AP loved me or just used me.
2) I had tried working on marriage. It appeared to get worse. I felt hopeless. For years trying to figure out what and when the marriage ended. It ended long before I sought comfort with "the lady's husband ".(that's what I called my affair partner) . Because I needed to be held and needed I did such a self destructive act. I must say I was not in a fog. I sought out this thing. Pre meditated even.
It ended when my spiritual Conviction took over. I believed God was very disappointed in me. God took me to a place of quiet pain to help rebuild my relationship with him. God allowed the relationship I truly needed no human could sustain. I found spiritual love for self while in the wilderness with my God. I asked for forgiveness from God, the lady's husband, and I prayed for the lady whose husband I used. I now pray for me to never be so lost I commit such an damaging act.
To answer your questions. I've had 2 affairs. The first ended naturally after a couple years it didn't seem like it was worth the trouble any more. I ended it, but I don't know how I could have walked away sooner (unless I'd been caught). The second ended because AP's wife ended it. We were both ripped from the fog. FAR more painful, although I think the long lasting damaging affects might be less (only time will tell).
Could I have prevented going into that mindset? Possibly?? I think I have many times before, I've avoided lots of potential affairs, I've certainly had plenty of offers over the years. I did for 10 years between these two, but the right set of circumstances, it still happened again. I wish I had the secret.
My thinking on this is most tend to come out of it, or start to, when the crap hits the fan. Before that, one either ignores that crap is flying toward the fan, or convinces themselves it won't be that bad, or the crap will miss the fan. Only when it hits does it destroy those justifications. The point of the spouse finding out seems to be when most experience that, though there are examples where that doesn't totally get someone out of the fog.
That matches with Gabi's experience as well. She'd told herself that I wouldn't leave her if I found out, and convinced herself that I likely never would find out. When I did, suddenly the possibility our marriage might be over hit her full force, breaking her out of the fog, though whiffs of it remained for 3-5 months. Then she was ready to dump her fantasy life in order to do all to save her life with me. What she'd been unable to do by her own will power, now she found the motivation to do.
Unfortunately, once the crap hits the fan, the damage has been done in most cases. They've jumped off the cliff already and is why now they've hit the rocks at the bottom.
It's a crazy thing, and I wish I had the answer. But it seems getting hit with consequences being much worse than imagined is the only antidote to this. Until then, the fantasy is too strong and real to them. And any efforts to warn them are dismissed, believing their situation is different, it is true love, yada, yada, yada. They believe they are the Titanic and won't sink, so ignore the ice burgs in their path.
I don't know how to help them avoid the inevitable disaster they are running to either. Yet I guess we still try, hoping to get through to at least one person and spare them the agony so many of you here have experienced.