Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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sunset33 07/10/2015

Hey there. I haven't been on here in such a long time because I felt like I was not a Cheater anymore. I am happy and satisfied in my marriage and have such a great family. Dammit if someone didn't derail my progress as a reformed cheater.
I met a really great guy, this time. Not just a pretty face or a good time person. It started out as a simple conversation. Now my adrenaline has been running through me like a drug and I can't seem to stop wanting it. Nothing serious has happened. Just a couple kisses but I can see it leading to more, soon.

The point of my post is to share with people that this was not intended not was I looking for a playmate. There is something about the rush of a new admirer and someone I find interesting and attracted to..

Staying away from the pull is the hardest part. Where I am currently failing at..

And on to more pathetic behavior.. I went and spent time with my new friend today.. I felt like I should be heading home, and should have much sooner. On my way home I got a text from my H asking what am I doing? I did not reply as I was rushing into a public bathroom to change back into my work clothes, as I had changed after work to hang out with the new guy. After that, my phone rang and my heart sank deep into my guts. It was my H. I did not answer as I was starting to have an anxiety attack at that moment and did not know what to tell him.. I regained myself and called him back, lied and said i was with some co-workers (well past quitting time). I could barely talk straight.. I rushed home but took a detour to hide my other clothes in the bushes near my home.. I did not want him seeing and asking what were those for... I got home and luckily for me he believed me and all is well..

This is not something I am proud of...

sarah2220 07/10/2015

The trick is to not ever put yourself in a situation where you are alone with someone of the opposite sex that you could possibly be attracted to. Now, the solution is to go NC with this person so you can get him out of your system.

prettyanddumb12 07/11/2015

Sarah's right. I literally cannot hang out with men (that I'm attracted to) socially. ANY of them. No scenario is friendly or safe from my hook on the adrenaline/dopamine fix. It sounds ridiculous, but after years and years of this (and also spending several thinking I too am reformed) I know it to be the case.

Sounds like you have a similar thing going on. Ditch the new "friend", before it's too late to save your M! Best of luck to you.

whatamithinking 07/13/2015

I'm in a similar boat. I suspect Just Drifting is correct. I think part of the Rush is the duplicity. That's what makes the interaction "forbidden fruit" which adds to that dopamine rush. There's no feeling in the world like being wanted and desired by someone unexpected. For me, there are few people I really feel connected to, so when it occurs it so hard for me to keep a respectful distance. My last AP was someone I would have been willing to face the fallout for, but he ended it before that happened. This new person is not worth destroying my marriage for. Not someone I would trade my family to be with. So I will heed the warnings above.

Sunset, I think you need to think about the long term ramifications. Is this new person worth destroying your marriage over? If you can't stop yourself, at least try to make each interaction include other people so your encounters are limited to socially appropriate behavior. And go to therapy ASAP. I'll be trying hard this week to take my own advice. I'm an affair addict and I know that about myself.

shoretimenow 07/13/2015

Oh I get this post! It's so hard to continue on the path sometimes. I'm not sure it's realistic to stay away from people you are attracted to, I'd have to live in a bubble. It's so hard isn't it?

sarah2220 07/13/2015

There is a difference in completely staying away from people you could be attracted to and making an effort to not be ALONE with these people. You really don't have to live in a bubble to do that, unless you are attracted to everyone on the planet!

CloverMoon 07/13/2015

IMO, your H did not believe you. He just doesn't want to know the truth bc then he'd have to deal with it. I say this bc this is how my H acted too. Once you've recovered from the A, you'll look back & know how obvious you were.

shoretimenow 07/13/2015

Unfortunately Sarah, in my line of work I am frequently alone with people I am attracted to....but that doesn't make me want to jump in an A with them. For me, it was also the time/period/what was going on of my life, my demons, and the entire persona of what the OM portrayed...so besides the fact that he was very attractive it was much more than that.

And that's just for me, may not work for everyone

And Clover is right....my H is also very similar. I guess till they have had enough.....

sarah2220 07/13/2015

Well if you are alone with people that you are attracted to, be sure to keep your guard up--do not give these people personal information, keep conversations as superficial as possible. Make sure to mention your H/marriage, in a fond way. Do NOT talk about any of your personal problems with these people--sympathy and feigned or unfeigned empathy is the way a lot of affairs begin. The key is to refuse any kind of intimacy with these people--verbal and physical--and that starts with refusing to talk about personal stuff. I know that in the workplace, these types of personal conversations can be avoided. I had to do that for years as a manager because of my position in the company.

Figure out some ways to circumvent and deflect any personal questions you may receive.

I wish you the best.

teacher37 07/14/2015

I agree with all of the replies here. Unless you are prepared to suffer the consequences to your family, your marriage, and your way of life as a whole, turn and run before it goes any further. That adrenaline rush is not worth it. Get your fix jumping outnof an airplane, if need be, but don't involve yourself in an affair again.

I am speaking as a separated CS who has nearly lost everything. My H saw all of my obvious behaviors and confronted me. I could not deny any of it. Splitting myself in two was more painful than anything I've ever done in my life. I loved my AP and would have done anything for him at the time. Now that my affair is over, I wonder what the hell got into me. My family was worth more than anything that man could have offered me. I had to lose my home and the respect of my family and friends in order to see what was truly important.

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