Hi Everyone, I'm new to the group and getting used to the abbreviations so bear with me. My story is: I told my H about a month ago about my AP of back in 2011/2012. I've made NC with my AP for a month now. The A ended a while ago, but we always remained friends. As this was how the relationship had actually begun. He was an ex-colleague, we shared similar interests and found that we communicated so well (a major flaw in my marriage). So a friendship blossomed into something more which both of us felt guilty about. The physical part only started once there was a really strong emotional connection. It has been an incredibly difficult journey. I have 2 children and one on the way. My AP's BS found out about us and I felt terrible, knowing they also have 3 kids. I felt bad, responsible, a terrible mother, wife, person. We moved out of the country and my BS and I went through tough times setting up home away from home, but I felt we were part of a team. This made me feel more guilty about the A. and while physical bit had stopped when I moved away (beg 2013) we remained in contact via e-mail as friends. We knew that it had to be over as it wasn't right or fair and if we really wanted to be together then we knew we'd have to end our marriages, which was also not simple having kids.

But even though things were not good between BS and I emotionally I felt he didn't deserve such betrayal and I couldn't look myself in the mirror anymore. I always knew I did not want to carry this with me to the grave. But I was sure that If I ever told my BS that he would surely leave me. Yet I felt i could not longer live a lie and so I told him one night after a terrible argument (unrelated). He was completely shocked and in denial about it and could not believe I would do this. His words "I have always been committed to you and this family. And I still am"

I was incredibly shocked, not expecting this reaction. Of course then came the anger, the sadness, the bitterness. And he wanted to know the details, every detail. Some were harder to disclose than others naturally. Mostly because I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I did. I just wanted to work on us.

It's been a month and he is still incredibly bitter, things are just about conducive at home. I'm due to deliver in a month. He keeps asking why I continued to have children with him, how could have i done this to our kids and this really breaks me...I love my children dearly and the only thing that keeps me together these days. I would do anything for them. I've asked many times, even before the D-day that we see a therapist, as i felt a lot of communication issues, coldness and just I never and still do not feel emotionally safe with him. I don't know what to do, because even if I never mentioned the A, we would still have the same problems...

There were 2 occasions in this past month that he really softened up and held me and told me that he still loves me so much even with the flaws or imperfections and that he too is not perfect. And in those moments I feel so safe and loved but at this same time so scared, because I know the next day it will change all over again and he will be distant and cold.

I know I need to be patient. But he knows that I felt emotionally safe with AP and it makes him angry, but I wanted to be honest with him, because that has always been our problem even before marriage. We're only married 6 years and the A began only 2 years in.. I knew before we got married that there were these issues, and hoped it would change, but it never did. After having my first child I felt so alone, I've cried so many nights, begging him to tell talk to me, to soften just to love me...

I feel empty ... he doesn't want me to speak to anyone about my AP. The only person I ever spoke to was my AP about my feelings. Just don't know what to do. All my time is spent with my kids and parents and siblings, they don't know what's going on, but know that i"m not myself.