Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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wresting 10/21/2015

I've been lurking on here for months, just joined. Fear of discovery overcome somewhat. I guess. Or maybe pain has won out. Back to topic. My A lasted 10 months. DD by AP W 13 months ago. She believes was EA only. My H never found out. AP W and I were friends before. We have maintained a sort of friendship since DD. She says she has forgiven me. She wants to maintain friendship. I know at times was an attempt to watch me. And for me was a way to stay attached to their life. Very infrequent contact with AP. Took about 6 months to end occasional contact with AP. Being friends with W has been super painful. I guess I felt guilty and hoped to help her cope. Can that really help her? It has definitely been toxic for me. Am finally ready for a total break. Want to go NC with both but will probably make my H suspicious as they are large part of our lives. To make matters worse, our kids are friends with their kids. Telling my H not an option. I just want to get on with my life and I haven't been successful because of the continued contact. I wish I could move away but that isn't an option either.

Back story, my H had an A 7 years ago with an employee that I was friends with. IC and MC. Reconciliation. I was bat shit crazy for 2 years and could have written some of those entries on the BS boards. Not proud, but that was me. My kids are getting older and we will be empty nesters in a few years. Ready for the next chapter. Want this behind me by the time we are alone in this house.

I have read and reread all of the advice on here. I know NC is the only way to go and I'm totally ready for that. I just hope it doesn't alert my husband. I have discontinued all social media stalking. I have basically stopped listening to most music due to triggers. I have been prescribed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I'm really trying to work within my parameters. Thanks for any advice. You guys have given much spot on and honest advice to others.

teacher37 10/21/2015

I know that you are afraid of the fallout if your H happens to get suspicious when you sever ties with the AP W but you need to just do it. Keeping that friendship alive is strange. It puts her in a very superior spot where she can manipulate you if and when needed. I'm wondering why she hasn't told your H, yet. Sounds fishy. I think that severing that tie is the best plan of action but I would expect that she may finally open the proverbial Pandora's Box to punish you. Be ready to fess up.

prettyanddumb12 10/21/2015

Hmmm... well is your husband really in a position to judge or blame you? It sounds like he should meet the situation with some level of understanding, having been there. In reality, we are all human and we all make mistakes. Affairs may be selfish and toxic for everyone, but that doesn't mean they don't happen. Alcohol is also toxic for everyone yet it's much more acceptable than having a relationship outside of your marriage (and often becomes the very coping mechanism).

I think you can get through this with your marriage in tact. I think that the obvious first step is distance from all parties involved. Phase them out. The kids being friends is an issue but unless you're ready to blow the whole thing wide open you're going to have to be ready to compartmentalize that aspect. It doesn't mean YOU have to stay close to the family (I imagine your kids are older and don't need you to facilitate the friendship).

wresting 10/21/2015

Teacher comment about her being in superior position really hit home. I agree. It certainly has felt that way. That's a hard pill to swallow. Pretty I will begin phasing out. I have to. At this point it has to happen for my emotional survival. The A was sooooo not worth it. Thanks for support.

sarah2220 10/21/2015

It seems that there is a very real possibility that the AP W might tell your H. Maybe not now, but eventually. I find it amazing what some people are capable of, and I have been on the receiving end of something similar, so I do know something about this. With that in mind, do you think your H would have a harder time dealing with:

A) You confessing to the A and showing real remorse, coming clean and being honest with him.

or

B) Your H finding out about the A from the AP's W, getting to hear her account of it first, and then having to confront you.

Having been on the receiving end of something similar.....I would definitely go with A, because to me, discovery is more damaging to trust than confession. But then again, each person is different.

Just food for thought.

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