Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I have a question for CS's...
Yes I am a BS, but I am turning to you, maybe this can help us both.
I am trying real hard to understand things and work through, I have been lied to numerous times about just about everything. Internet and texting along with sending photos were the initial issues, then things were being deleted, I KNEW something was going to happen if it hadn't already...I am BIG on honesty so when I knew he was lying to my face I became quite upset ("I didn't delete any calls off my phone", calls he made while I was sleeping-turned out to be to singles dating lines) I had told him I can't live with being lied to, I was going to spend the night at a friends...Ended up spending a couple days there, we talked on the phone he was 'devastated' and couldn't sleep or eat, then he came to pick me up and bring me home...
2 nights later his phone rang in the middle of the night, the call was innocent, but I snooped anyway, found he had sent nudes to 2 different numbers the day after I left, (wrote down the numbers) he woke cause i was crying, I showed him, he claimed it was just flirting.
I went into 'save it ' mode, but then found clues things happened and I was being lied to, then found a reciept for condoms and a map, knowing one number he messaged was long distance, I clued in...
I ended up contacting these numbers, He drove 3 hours away the next morning to Michelle, spent the day watching movies and fucking. Her and I talked for some time and I recorded the conversation.
Here is the thing, I tried to offer him to come clean, telling him I know but want to hear it from him...all deny, deny, deny...till I mention her name, then he barely admits but does.
Excuse - he thought it was over between us -
now this really hurts - no pain, no wanna fix it, just go get fucked, so much for not sleeping or eating..
So we are going to work on it, I am all he wants , he has made a horrible mistake, he sees it now...he will be honest and faithful...
I still suspect lies, but have no proof.
Then these last couple weeks have been total bull.
He has to go to town for some reason or another, I end up staying home, wow, the way things go down is one delay after another, 2 am he wanders in, of course I have texted (no answer-get mad, eventually responds didn't hear phone, just one more stop) call (no answer) ...you know where i am going with the yadda yadda on this...
This has happened maybe 4 times till 2 am in the last couple weeks, once was 5 am ( I was mad at 2am so he sat in he truck at a parking lot was the story)
Saturday was his sisters wedding so he had to go at 10am, but 8pm still no word, 10 was at sisters (after many texts which he didn't hear) ended up not getting home til 2am.
Now I check the phone records today and all of it was bull, none of those days was he where he said he was (he is calling the people he is with?) by the looks of the records the wedding was done at 3, he was calling everyone and their dog, online on the phone, texting, meantime ignoring me and giving excuses when he did text...
he spent 700 dollars this weekend (withdraw statements)
Now here is where I need help...
Did you EVER eventually come completely clean?
Did you work on it with your SO?
If so did you hold back truth? Did you still lie?
These lies he told dont point directly at cheating (no females involved, I know the calls were just his buddies, but he still lied so I find it hard to trust that maybe something might have gone on)
Was there EVER a point where you just honestly worked towards repair?
(I don't know if this is effort or evil?)
Please give me some hope...
I'm packing and crying while he is at work...
Should I just leave or cling to the hope when he gets home i will get some answers?
Could he really want to work on it?
Maybe he just wanted some friend time?
What are the chances of Honesty if I just say I know he wasn't where he said and I want the truth?
If I tell him if he really wants to work on it, be honest...
would you come clean?
What can I say to make him see that these simple lies wreak everything...
Don't tell me you are at your sisters after the wedding, tell the truth you met a buddie for a beer...can you see where this little lie is so bad?
I wanna be with him...
Can you give me advice that might make him see how important honesty is?
Do I have a hope at eventual honesty?
If you wanted to make it work, would you be doing what he is?
I need advice from the other side...
Is there anything I can do?
Or just pack?
Yes I am a BS, but I am turning to you, maybe this can help us both.
I am trying real hard to understand things and work through, I have been lied to numerous times about just about everything. Internet and texting along with sending photos were the initial issues, then things were being deleted, I KNEW something was going to happen if it hadn't already...I am BIG on honesty so when I knew he was lying to my face I became quite upset ("I didn't delete any calls off my phone", calls he made while I was sleeping-turned out to be to singles dating lines) I had told him I can't live with being lied to, I was going to spend the night at a friends...Ended up spending a couple days there, we talked on the phone he was 'devastated' and couldn't sleep or eat, then he came to pick me up and bring me home...
2 nights later his phone rang in the middle of the night, the call was innocent, but I snooped anyway, found he had sent nudes to 2 different numbers the day after I left, (wrote down the numbers) he woke cause i was crying, I showed him, he claimed it was just flirting.
I went into 'save it ' mode, but then found clues things happened and I was being lied to, then found a reciept for condoms and a map, knowing one number he messaged was long distance, I clued in...
I ended up contacting these numbers, He drove 3 hours away the next morning to Michelle, spent the day watching movies and fucking. Her and I talked for some time and I recorded the conversation.
Here is the thing, I tried to offer him to come clean, telling him I know but want to hear it from him...all deny, deny, deny...till I mention her name, then he barely admits but does.
Excuse - he thought it was over between us -
now this really hurts - no pain, no wanna fix it, just go get fucked, so much for not sleeping or eating..
So we are going to work on it, I am all he wants , he has made a horrible mistake, he sees it now...he will be honest and faithful...
I still suspect lies, but have no proof.
Then these last couple weeks have been total bull.
He has to go to town for some reason or another, I end up staying home, wow, the way things go down is one delay after another, 2 am he wanders in, of course I have texted (no answer-get mad, eventually responds didn't hear phone, just one more stop) call (no answer) ...you know where i am going with the yadda yadda on this...
This has happened maybe 4 times till 2 am in the last couple weeks, once was 5 am ( I was mad at 2am so he sat in he truck at a parking lot was the story)
Saturday was his sisters wedding so he had to go at 10am, but 8pm still no word, 10 was at sisters (after many texts which he didn't hear) ended up not getting home til 2am.
Now I check the phone records today and all of it was bull, none of those days was he where he said he was (he is calling the people he is with?) by the looks of the records the wedding was done at 3, he was calling everyone and their dog, online on the phone, texting, meantime ignoring me and giving excuses when he did text...
he spent 700 dollars this weekend (withdraw statements)
Now here is where I need help...
Did you EVER eventually come completely clean?
Did you work on it with your SO?
If so did you hold back truth? Did you still lie?
These lies he told dont point directly at cheating (no females involved, I know the calls were just his buddies, but he still lied so I find it hard to trust that maybe something might have gone on)
Was there EVER a point where you just honestly worked towards repair?
(I don't know if this is effort or evil?)
Please give me some hope...
I'm packing and crying while he is at work...
Should I just leave or cling to the hope when he gets home i will get some answers?
Could he really want to work on it?
Maybe he just wanted some friend time?
What are the chances of Honesty if I just say I know he wasn't where he said and I want the truth?
If I tell him if he really wants to work on it, be honest...
would you come clean?
What can I say to make him see that these simple lies wreak everything...
Don't tell me you are at your sisters after the wedding, tell the truth you met a buddie for a beer...can you see where this little lie is so bad?
I wanna be with him...
Can you give me advice that might make him see how important honesty is?
Do I have a hope at eventual honesty?
If you wanted to make it work, would you be doing what he is?
I need advice from the other side...
Is there anything I can do?
Or just pack?
For a moment there I thought you were talking about my very soon to be ex wife. Sorry Hun I too am a BS and can't help you with this.
Your husbands behaviour patterns are frighteningly similar. I think they treat us like this simply because they are confident that they can, and get away with it.
At the very least, your husband is dis-respecting you, at the worst, betraying you and treating your fears and pain with utter contempt.
Good luck with this Hun. You need to brace yourself and take care of your self here.
Love to you,
Mick
It sounds to me like your man has continually lied to you. If this is a pattern that you have seen even before this episode of cheating, I would say that you probably are going to see more of this in the future.
My H told a lot of lies during the affair, he confessed to many when the affair was revealed, then there was the trickle effect as weeks went on.
Yours seem to be a bit different because he tries to trip you up and put it on you. He makes you question yourself and what you are feeling and seeing. Seems like a lot of mind games.
My H lied and lied a lot, but once the affair was out in the open he didn't really deny much about what I knew and could see happening.
For the longest time I was sure I was a psycho bitch with major issues. I sought out IC for myself and medication to help me become a sane person again. None of that helped though, because it wasn't me making me insane, it was my H, OW, their A, and all the lies.
I believe we all have our limits. I was at the brink of maxing out my limite of what I could handle. Had things not transpired the way they did, I probably would have attempted suicide. I was VERY close to it. I had a hopelessness that I had NEVER experienced in my life - not even when first H left me.
Looking back on this part of my life, I know I let a lot of things slide. I didn't question H when I should have. I didn't want to rock the boat, but I should have rocked the shit out of it. He wouldn't have stood for that. Even now, if he has a question or a concern, he doesn't hesitate to ask me. I still find myself NOT wanting to ask questions because I'm just frightened of the conflict that might happen as a result. But I'm a lot better than I was. I think of it as sticking up for myself. Why shouldn't I be able to ask a question about something that seems funny to me???