Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
This may be long, Sorry in advance.
Well I've been married 15 1/2 years. Been caught cheating 3 times, for all different reasons brought me to that point.
1st time I was 19 I got married at 18 and had my first child also at 18. I didn't love my husband at all had no intention ever to be married. Just of what I seen my family go thru never wanted to have to go thru it myself.
2nd time was in my mid to late twenties. I felt my husband had grown apart from me. I know some of this was brought on by being in the military. I had really low self esteem, that I didn't even warrant my husband to interact with me as he did with others. Which I can see in pictures I keep hidden, so don't remind of a low point in my life. Only to find out later I was no where near the bottom. He left again and I started working on myself got myself back in college lost about 50pds. Doing things my husband didn't want to with me in or out of the house. So I made myself stick around as I didn't want to come back to an empty house. I was ready to leave him, I was so unhappy. I had multiple relationships. I was careless and of course he found things . He asked me to stay and work on our marriage. He didn't see that the problem was before he left and I was no longer the same woman and he was once again attracted to me. That's how I saw it and still see it. But I stayed played the good submissive wife to pick up the pieces to make him happy. But I was drinking so much once again and got diagnosed with depression. Not longer after I got pregnant so the drinking had to stop and my medication had to be lowered. Well I ended up going to hospital and admitting my self I felt extremely suicidal and emotional with no outlet. That lasted for over a year of course. But then I picked up drinking again along with pills to cope with my role. But a year later my actual suicide attempt where my husband had to call an ambulance because he came and I was unresponsive. Which leads me to my
3rd time He had access to a profile I was using to communicate with an old flame. It was thru a porn site that I would use to try and get myself turned on, down side to being medicated loss of sexual drive. Well for the past years I was able to fight the physical urge to go outside of our marriage, but I did other harmful stuff to myself. Well I have been off my meds for 3 months and in the last month I finally caved in to the urge. I believe had he just told me he could read my interactions this time could of been avoided. He says he tried to give me hints, I seen it as me in a state of mind that I would pick up on it. Well am not trying to put any burden on him because am at fault, I did the deed and will have to pay for what I've done. I told him I would do what ever he wanted to do.
He wants a divorce and am in so much pain. He is currently in a hotel. My middle child is spending time with my parents and he will come home to his father being gone, and that bothers me so much. He says he cant deal with going thru this again but I really do feel he had a hand in reaching a breaking point. but also he would much rather me harm myself than me physically act out and hurt him by my actions. I don't think he fully understands. But I know I cant be in limbo as much as I want to fix this and him be here him ignoring me and coming and going is so hard to deal with. I just don't know what to do with myself.
But I refuse to give up on myself , I see it as letting him have the ultimate win over me if I check out.
Well I've been married 15 1/2 years. Been caught cheating 3 times, for all different reasons brought me to that point.
1st time I was 19 I got married at 18 and had my first child also at 18. I didn't love my husband at all had no intention ever to be married. Just of what I seen my family go thru never wanted to have to go thru it myself.
2nd time was in my mid to late twenties. I felt my husband had grown apart from me. I know some of this was brought on by being in the military. I had really low self esteem, that I didn't even warrant my husband to interact with me as he did with others. Which I can see in pictures I keep hidden, so don't remind of a low point in my life. Only to find out later I was no where near the bottom. He left again and I started working on myself got myself back in college lost about 50pds. Doing things my husband didn't want to with me in or out of the house. So I made myself stick around as I didn't want to come back to an empty house. I was ready to leave him, I was so unhappy. I had multiple relationships. I was careless and of course he found things . He asked me to stay and work on our marriage. He didn't see that the problem was before he left and I was no longer the same woman and he was once again attracted to me. That's how I saw it and still see it. But I stayed played the good submissive wife to pick up the pieces to make him happy. But I was drinking so much once again and got diagnosed with depression. Not longer after I got pregnant so the drinking had to stop and my medication had to be lowered. Well I ended up going to hospital and admitting my self I felt extremely suicidal and emotional with no outlet. That lasted for over a year of course. But then I picked up drinking again along with pills to cope with my role. But a year later my actual suicide attempt where my husband had to call an ambulance because he came and I was unresponsive. Which leads me to my
3rd time He had access to a profile I was using to communicate with an old flame. It was thru a porn site that I would use to try and get myself turned on, down side to being medicated loss of sexual drive. Well for the past years I was able to fight the physical urge to go outside of our marriage, but I did other harmful stuff to myself. Well I have been off my meds for 3 months and in the last month I finally caved in to the urge. I believe had he just told me he could read my interactions this time could of been avoided. He says he tried to give me hints, I seen it as me in a state of mind that I would pick up on it. Well am not trying to put any burden on him because am at fault, I did the deed and will have to pay for what I've done. I told him I would do what ever he wanted to do.
He wants a divorce and am in so much pain. He is currently in a hotel. My middle child is spending time with my parents and he will come home to his father being gone, and that bothers me so much. He says he cant deal with going thru this again but I really do feel he had a hand in reaching a breaking point. but also he would much rather me harm myself than me physically act out and hurt him by my actions. I don't think he fully understands. But I know I cant be in limbo as much as I want to fix this and him be here him ignoring me and coming and going is so hard to deal with. I just don't know what to do with myself.
But I refuse to give up on myself , I see it as letting him have the ultimate win over me if I check out.
"He says he cant deal with going thru this again but I really do feel he had a hand in reaching a breaking point."
If by breaking point you mean your last affair, then I think you need to get away from this line of thinking. My W just discovered an A I had, so I'm in a similar place to you. But I will NEVER think she had anything to do with what I did. We are all responsible for our own actions. Is it possible your H was making you unhappy? Of course. But the CHOICE to have an A was on you (and me as well). Realizing this, accepting this, is key to learning and growing. It's something I need to work on--slowing down and making good choices in each moment.
You've had a rough go of it, it sounds like. And I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. But you know what? Starting RIGHT NOW, you are in control of your life. Of your actions. And that's always the case! Isn't that empowering? You're in control! You can't undo what's been done, but you can strive to be a good person RIGHT NOW.
Best wishes
But he plans on moving out for 6 months. It hurt initially and still does. Of course because I brought this upon myself.
I am in such an awful place physically that I know I need to see a Dr. It hurts to just pick you and carry a load of laundry. I have no appetite and I can't be doing this to myself with the type of conditions I have.
I can't see myself allowing him back in my life knowing what I'll have to endure mentally and emotionally. We have been apart before thru deployments. Not always good especially if I wasn't in a good place.
But I realize I need to find myself. And I need to fix my problems. I wish we could do this together. That isn't gonna happen.
But I think am throwing in the towel.
I know its not easy with kids but it sounds like you should be focusing on you and who you are as an individual. I rarely encourage separation but from the brief overview you gave it sounds like a trial separation might be something you could benefit from especially if you use that time to work on yourself.
Good Q Pink.. Why do you want to work on your marriage? This is your chance...
So we have separated, he moved out. I still have mixed emotions on what I want for myself. But more than likely we are heading for divorce. Not in any kind of counseling for us our myself which I would like to get for myself. Just been trying to get a handle on doing everything on my own with out CS involvement.
Only down side is we work very closely now together, I hope I can handle that. At first I wanted to quit, leave everything and run to my family. Which I know would be the worst thing I could do for myself. But I've decided to stay and just see where things go no matter what.
But we haven't had a conversation till today and it lasted hours, wasnt a good talk either. Was more about the kids but got into us also. Mainly just texted and I started most of our text.
He still very hurt and mad, never wants to go thru this again. And he has every right to be of course and I wish I never put him thru this.
And am trying to be nice but it's hard because I just tend to build a wall to avoid the hurt I feel. When most try to make the CS happy, y can't I do that.
And I find things around our house that he was suppose to take of and it annoys me.
So am still up and down, back and forth. Not knowing which way to go.