Hi, I wanted to really lay out my situation in all honesty for the first time as well as see if there is hope; I married young and was divorced after two years. Before my divorce while things were on the rocks, I started a relationship with a woman, M. The relationship was really passionate and emotionally fulfilling. She was truly becoming my best friend, but I panicked and ended the romantic side of our relationship due to worrying about what people would think so fresh off a divorce, feeling so in love so quickly, and thinking to give myself time to see what else was out there and have some alone time. This did not last long. I started a relationship with a coworker, K. I convinced myself that it was right and ignored red flags and things I didn't like about her behavior or things that just didn't mesh. All this time I mainted a secret relationship with M, and for two years they didn't know about each other. It was like a full time job balancing lies and schedules and just putting off the inevitable. Sometimes the relationship with M was physical, but it was ALWAYS emotional. Needless to say they found out about each other and I manipulated myself out of the confrontation. I told M that I didn't have contact with K and I told K the same of M. I moved to text and call M from my work phone, and I made my relationship and living situation with K public while blocking M from any social media or any mutual connection. M believed I was working on myself with the intent to come back to her. I kept this up for another year, and it became much easier when M moved out of state temporarily for a post-grad program. I'd make excuses for work to go out of town to visit and I'd lie about my living situation at home to convince M that it was more feasible and economical for me to visit. This, as you can assume didn't last all that long. K became suspicious and dug through emails to find deliveries, flight info, and drafts of basically love letters. She then called M to expose and share that they were both being lied to. This is where I moved out quickly, have had zero contact with K, and after a couple weeks of talking with an answering to M, we said goodbye and said that we both need to heal and work on ourselves despite the love remaining without hope. After a week of only thinking about M, and feeling nothing K, M and I spoke. She told me that there was still a pulse, she didn't know if she could ever see me the same way again, but she wanted to know what working through this process would look like. That's where we are now, and that's where I don't know what to do. I know emotions are high and saying I love her more than I ever knew I could could be chalked up to that, but she and I both know that I wasn't trolling for women or just attempting to have sexual desires met somewhere else.  I felt most at home with someone I wanted to be with but just...didn't. I faked a relationship because I didn't want to let that person down. I told K things that I felt for M as if she were wearing a mask just because I didn't want to hurt K, I didn't want to disappoint her. I didn't want to lose again.  I made her live a lie. I made everyone live a lie. There are more details, but I think that basically the outline as best as I can muster.