Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I'm not proud of this. Who ever is? But it's true, I carried on a several month relationship with my ex of ten years ago. Since Covid was happening it was all virtual but that still counts as cheating. What started as just catching up and making amends for old wounds, deciding to be friends, suddenly turned sexual. Anyone committed to doing the right thing could have seen it coming but I didn't want to question it, I was just glad we were back in each other's lives. This was the "one that got away" - we had always had something special between us and split up over a misunderstanding. And it turned out that after a decade, neither of us had forgotten the other and neither wanted to stay separate from one another. But it was wrong because we were both married, though neither of us wanted to be. I already had one foot out the door of the very toxic marriage I was in and I let that be my justification for a while but I still felt horrible and finally ended the affair. Even now, as I am divorcing (as I say, that was going to happen anyway) I still feel bad though my spouse doesn't know and doesn't need to.
This is a low point for me. I've tried to always be a kind person generally. This was such low, desperate behavior. Why did I do it? It's so foolish, I just keep hating myself for it. As if sex is so important we need to get it on the phone...no, there are more important things. I just feel like such a huge jerk.
Karma has bitten me though, because when I ended it and said we could only be friends, he tried to act like the whole thing was laughable and just a joke, and there was nothing to it, that I thought too much. I didn't deserve that from him, who was also a cheater, but I did deserve it from the universe, so to speak.
Thank you for listening. I'm truly sorry for being such a horrible jerk.
It sounds like your AP blew it off as much to either handle his own disppointment by being nonchalant, or else he was actually a jerk who took didn't take your affection seriously. If you really do think he was the "one that got away" then I would lean toward the first explanation: that he didn't want to let on that he was disappointed.
As for you, please don't be so hard on yourself. YOu already said that your marriage was on its way out, something wasn't working there and you found some measure of it through this former partner virtually. Virtual cheating is still cheating, but I venture to say that it is still very very different. It can feel like a relief to share and vent here, and that is a great use of this resource. We've have all been there before or we wouldn't be in this group! So, we're all familiar with being jerks! In the end, people make mistakes, and no one deserves pain or harm or lack of happiness or any ill will. Our mistakes hurt others, and in some case our "mistakes" are complicated because, like me, I don't see my affair as a mistake per se, but I do fully regret and hate that it hurt my husband so much. That complication has its own bizarre version of tearing me up inside, and him, because he knows that I feel/see it that way. So, please be kind to yourself. You are doing teh responsible thing by letting your husband go, since you were not happy in the marriage, and even starting over by letting your AP go (he is still married, and it woudl be up to him to make changes in his own life). Don't beat yourself up, please don't do that. You deserve as much joy and happiness and fulfillment as everyone else.
I can also relate to the blow that these actions can have to your self image. I always thought I was one of the “good guys”. A stupid mistake later I don’t know if I really am anymore.
Just try and remember that you are not defined by one action and that even after a mistake you can grow and become a better you.
Good luck
Regarding your situation, I am sure that a "mistake" doesn't prevent you from being a very good person. And it is clear that you are a helpful and caring person, from this act of reaching out to help me.
It's hard to know why so many cheat but it's so prevalent that there has to be a deeper reason - it doesn't mean people are just wrong or bad or (as I called myself in the OP) jerks. We are all, as you say, learning. And that is no easy task.
Best wishes to you and thank you again.