Some days it's a lot better, but other days, at least for me, I just accept reality for what it is and move on with my day! Am I living that life I'd dreamed, no, not really but, I've made the decision to do what's best for my family and that's staying in my marriage and working on it as best as I can.

I've been NC with the ex-OM for a little over a year now (our A lasted 7+yrs) but I'll be honest, not a single day goes by that I don't think about him, long for him, miss him, the excitement, etc. I desperately want to get to a place where I don't think about him like that or be haunted by my dreams about him and I silently pray those days will come because the darkness I feel some days is horrible and the internal struggle is overwhelming to me so I do understand your feelings about being stuck and not knowing which way to go. I've felt that way quite honestly for years, even before my A started but, like you, for moral reasons and other factors I chose to stay and try to make it work.

I've realized that not all of us our destined to have picture perfect lives and that most people/couples, in reality, have similar struggles as me and their marriages/lives aren't all wonderful and as perfect as they "post" about but they just go on because it's life.

I really wish you the best of luck with your decisions going forward, I really understand your struggles but try to focus on the good parts of your marriage, your wife, your family, etc and decide if that's enough for you (as I've been working hard to do for several months now myself). It has helped to put some things into perspective for me. You're not alone though with your thoughts.

Coincidentally, I just wrapped up a Buddhist discussion group meeting that focused on the slogan, "Abandon any hope of fruition." The gist of it is that we never think we are enough, and we are never really going to get it all together. Instead, we can learn to be in the present moment and stick with ourselves unconditionally through thick and thin, learning what our habitual patterns are. If we can do that, we can be open to making choices that don't cause so much suffering.

No.

OnTheCusp, thanks for your response. All I have read is how people are still having strong desires for the AP after several years which scares me. I don't think I could do it. Must I tell the AP of my intentions, withdraw slowly by only communicating without seeing? Suggestions?

OnTheCusp, thanks for your response. For the short period of time that I tried the no contact it did become tolerable until had those moments of thinking of the AP traits that I miss and wish my wife had. It's going to be hard but I can do this.

That's the problem, I know she's not the one for the long haul. The sex is exciting but not better, if that makes sense. She is very difficult but I rationalize that it is because of the situation. She's a party girl with a lot of different groups of friends and a few guy friends which would get old over time. But, I'm drawn to that somewhat because my wife and I don't socialize with any couples. It's just us and the kids. That's what happens when you move away from home.

Thanks, I've been wrestling with going nc, but made up my mind that it was needed last week before she left for Mexico. I was longing to be with her because she was leaving. After arriving at her house she was distant and saying that I only wanted her for sex. Though no true but that is what I wanted at the moment. Things didn't go well that night to say the least. Then the next day while traveling to her destination she was apologetic has usual saying that she is emotional because her heart can't have what it wants. And that it's not going to happen again. So, I decided to wait for her to return to tell her that it's over because I didn't want to ruin her vaca.

It's what I must do to focus on me, my marriage and family. I'm going to start counseling soon. Who knows what the future has in-store for my wife and I. But what I do know is that I going to be the best me and father that I can be. I can't live a life of unhappiness any longer.

You also can't put all your effort in your marriage and be truly giving it your best shot when you are involved with someone else....that I know....

Loved hearing onthecusps story.....I cant imagine 15 years from now I'll still think of him.....I guess it never truly goes away. I remember being struck by the one poster who 20 years later after NC her xAP died and it effected her. Ugh.

Honestly right now where I am I don't think I could do it. Because I feel that it's not right to be longing for someone else while married. I'm sure I would let my wife go to find someone that can hopefully give her undivided love and attention.

That makes total sense. To clear my head of the fog but difficult to do when you're in love with someone (AP)
regardless of their short comings. Just the fear of going whatever time to work on my marriage for it to not workout and then the exAP is unavailable. That's scares me.

Sometimes I think I should just take time away from BS and AF but I doubt I could do it.

It's a bit of a Catch-22, since as long as you are involved with the AP, you will struggle to see either partner objectively. I did actually step back from my BS and AP as part of therapy, although I still live at home and coparent.

You won't be able to do it for a long time. You sound involved like I was. For me it was different. Everyone swore that at one point I would find the strength to do it. I never did. I still don't have it, but I did it. NC for almost 2 years and I never plan on contacting her. EVER! Not because I don't want to. I actually do. Some days more than others and a lot of days not at all. I could only do it not by finding strength, but by finding and holding on to one thought. I am weak. I am not strong. I am weak and NC is the only thing that I can do to find an inch of will to go on. You see, contacting him/her will only make you weaker in the long run. NC stays with me for ever. It is me, doing something for me. Something healing. It is me, in my corner, with my meaningful emotional junk and a heart for caring and love directed at me. All because I am weak and maintaining NC gave me hope. It does get better. I never believed it. But it is a freedom that doesn't compare to the excitement you felt with her on the best day. Not even close!

I'm getting there......a little at a time. Every 3 months or so I get "that feeling" like I want to revisit what we had for 2.5 years.....usually after a couple of brewskies. But just a quickly I realize the end was all for the best. We would never had made it. Better the devil you know.

I was just looking at what I wrote above around the time I cut last contact from AP. Yes, I feel so much better out of the affair and have a different outlook on my marriage. In some ways, it's a relief not to live the charade that a marriage should be a particular way and instead work with it as is, everyone's flaws exposed and accepted.