Thanks Cole. I actually asked my OM during our affair he thought we would go to hell but he is doesn't believe in God so he could not answer that but it is defiantly something that haunts me.

I had more than a few people here try to convince me in the early days that I am basically evil, bad, lacking in character, just a selfish asshole. Good thing I didn't buy into all that verbal abuse and defining of my Self, otherwise it could have been easy to just continue cheating, what with being incorrigible and all.

Good thing they were all wrong :)

Well, I know I am not evil. Period. Thankfully my H doesn't think so either and told me early on that I would always be a good person in his eyes and that this A would never define who I am.
I swear though after OM W found out about the A, I would walk around town thinking I should be wearing an "A" because I felt all eyes were on me.
I know though that I am a good person- would help anyone anytime...

That scarlet letter feeling really sucks. I don't think OM's wife told anyone but I still get that feeling, even from total strangers, like it might be written all over my face.

So my OM W wrote my name and phone number on 3 bathroom walls in bars saying Call icnu for a good fuck....I only found out when the owner of one called pretending to want to hook up.....I was like who the hell are you and told them I was going to report them for harrassment. They then sent me a pic. Well all hell broke out then......use your imaginations. Ya....it was pretty. So ya, I felt like an evil person for a long time but thank god I don't anymore. I made a horrible choice and everyone prolly has.

Wow, icnu. I thought mine was an asshole. Yours was really special, hey? I'm so sorry you were treated that way. I mean, I know we made lousy choices, but are we? In highschool?

selfishmom,

As far as real Christianity is concerned, while an affair is sinful, like many other sins, it can also be forgiven, like any other sin. Even Jesus refused to condemn a woman caught red-handed in the act. Of course, you still have to deal with the fallout of having an affair, the damage to your spouse, marriage, yourself, family, friends, job, etc., and put in the effort to "go, and sin no more." So that further damage isn't done.

If you focus on healing and spiritual growth, God is merciful. If not, we're all in trouble because we've all done things that will end us up in Hell. But to go much further would delve into theology, off-topic here. I only wanted to "answer" your question as someone who is a Christian, BA in religion, and a former pastor. Don't focus on fearing hell. Focus on healing and discovering true love rather than the facade often put forth by society.

Icnu - thats horrible! His W should have been concentrating on her own H behavior. Seriously, that is very childish behavior on her part.

Oh yeah...back in highschool we definitely are. That was a real blow icnu. She should have thrown her H's up there while she was at it.
Luckily I get to see mine almost everyday...why just yesterday she said the nicest thing to me....moving on....

Thanks Cole for that. I am dealing with the fall out as best as I can and I continue to pray to God asking for forgiveness and for strength to help my husband get through this.

I'm a BS and my H has told me frequently since DDay (which was Oct 4th, so not long ago) that he thinks he is evil, he thinks he is going to hell, he wants God to punish him by killing him. I am struggling with my own pain but it hurts me to see him so distraught, too, and I don't know how to balance letting him know we still need to heal - I'm still not OK - with helping him overcome his extreme self-loathing so that we can reconcile. He views himself as so evil, so afraid that he will slip up again and ruin my life, and beyond redemption. I am of course hurt and angry, but I also feel that we have a chance to make it right and that he could avoid doing this ever again. I think he has that capability because, despite everything, he is still a good person. I tell him that and it doesn't help. I am not sure what else to do - what else a truly repentant CS needs to hear to start healing themselves.

@ anastasia

Paraphrasing from Cole's article, to accept the label of evil is to accept that I can't change. That inability to change, being incorrigible, then becomes the excuse for the behavior if and when the behavior continues, or starts again in the future. As in, "I can't help that I did it again, I was afraid I would because, after all, I'm evil and I can't change that".

It's a dangerous belief for your husband to hold about himself.

I felt evil and that I was going to rot in hell.......it is something a person has to overcome for themselves. As fiber stated, it be used as an excuse not to change and just continue the destructive behavior. It is so much easier to stay status quo than to work hard at change.

I started to believe I wasn't evil when I had the chance to sit back and evaluate my life and all the other good things I have done. In the aftermath of dday all you can see, all you can feel is the evil, the horrible consequesnces the A brought about.....and you were the one who brought this into the BS life.......you are the destroyer. The people on this board were also a instrumental in helping me to work thru that initial state of self loathing and the feeling that you were not worth anyone's love or forgivness. The BS is shattered but the pain the CS goes thru is just as shattering. A pain that is essentially ignored by society and everyone else because we are "EVIL".

It was also with the help of my H. No matter how much pain he was in he saw my pain too. He always tells me I am a good and worthy person. My A doesn't negate everything else that I have done. It is not who I am. Is everything good btw us......far from it. But we are past the point of pointing fingers and trying to figure out what is next......with two good people and not an evil on in sight.

anastasia,

Many CSs go through those feelings, whether they appear to or not. Many simply internalize them but appear on the outside to be moving past it. Some, like your H and my W, come to a point of wrestling with the impact of what they've done. This can be good if they work through it to a resolution. Not so good if it results in them getting stuck in a place of self-condemnation for reasons I stated in my article a have been confirmed by others here.

Gabi plans on responding to this later today, but I'll add that she went through this. Took her around 8 months to work through it. I mention that to give a time perspective to it. IOW, it may take a while. He might appear stuck but come to a breakthrough some months down the road.

Two articles I've written in the past and are also part of my book might help.

The five stages of grief are applicable to what he is going through...a loss of security within himself. He'll be able to move forward to a more positive future when he comes to the point of acceptance of what he's done. Doesn't mean you or he are OK with it, but that it happened, you can't change that, but you can change the future. When he gets there, that is empowering.
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3869850

The other article is a little more on the religious side, and directed more toward the BS, but it would be good for both of you to read it. It is on using forgiveness to heal the marriage.
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/4055904

And I'll throw in a third, which really was a follow up to the forgiveness article, more directed to the CS concerning "self-forgiveness".
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2013/09/forgiving-yourself.html

Also, he'd probably benefit from reading the two self-esteem articles he'll see at the blog when he goes to that last link.

One suggestion I had Gabi do early on, even before she started feeling sorrow over what she'd done, is I suggested she memorize and say each day Psalm 51. This is the psalm of repentance David wrote after being outed by the prophet Nathaniel for his own affair with Bathsheba and subsequent killing of her husband so he could have her for himself. (Luckily Gabi's OM never went that far!). Not only did he cheat and commit adultery, he abused his authority as king and was guilty of murder. So if your H is at all religious (sounds like it if he is feeling destined for Hell), reading that psalm, memorizing it so it is always ready when he is going through a serious bout of guilt, can be a good prayer for him to pray daily.

Hope some of that will help him.

Hey Anastasia, I was so close to where your H is for so long, but with one difference. I knew God loved me very much and was eager to get a hold of me and begin the work on me. I thought of it sort of like my son's teeth and the orthodontist. My son's situation was very severe. We went to see a really good Orthodontist and he just studied and studied the x-rays. I could see him from where I was. When he came to talk to us I could tell he was chomping at the bit to get going on this challenging case. Don't you think that's how it is with God? the more challenging the case, the more eager he is to get going on the work. There were times, however, that I wondered if I was beyond redemption as well. (just like I wondered if it would really be possible to straighten my sons teeth. Miraculously his teeth were slowly straightened. It took almost 3 years.) I wondered if I would ever be "okay." I wondered if I would ever feel "safe" with myself again. I struggled long and hard with worry that I would slip up again some day. I worry less about that now but I will never let my guard down. I will never take it for granted that I won't go there.

You are right about the self-loathing though. It's gotta go for healing to commence. I think it is a clog in the drain. He needs to see his redeemable good self in the midst of this. It was so hard for me to rectify the good person that I knew I was before the A's and the good person I still knew was in me and becoming again, with what I did during the A's. It was that inability to rectify who I am with what I did that made it so so so hard for me to come to a place of acceptance with what I did. As I got distance from the bad behavior and worked so hard on my good self, my mind just could not accept what I did. I suppose I still struggle with that. It's still hard, and it still hurts, but that is motivation to keep strengthening myself, now that I know what I am capable of and don't want to ever ever go there, or anywhere near there, again!

My priest gave me some good advice. He told me to stay close to my H and even closer to Christ. I did, and do consider this a spiritual battle and put a lot of work and effort in that area in addition to all the other things we were doing to heal. BTW, Psalm 51 helped a LOT and I still say it most days since I memorized it long ago.