Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Hi there. I'm new here and will try to keep my story as brief as possible:
Been married for 2 years, with her for 7 years total. Great relationship and very few problems in that time.
A few years ago (as I recall, a little while before we got married, or maybe soon after) we decided to try an open "arrangement." Our arrangement didn't mean polygamy, three-ways or anything like that. Simply, we would be OK with casual "fun" on the side so long as it didn't interfere with our take precedence over our relationship. We felt the arrangement could make our relationship stronger, because we'd satisfy "urges" and not harbor resentment.
A few months ago, during a work trip, I met a coworker from a different state. We hit it off right away. We did not have sex (we didn't have protection) but did everything else physical. I felt like this was OK, based on my arrangement.
When I returned from the trip, I was thinking about this other woman a lot, and I texted her a lot. My wife noticed, saw that I was texting her flirtatiously/sexually, and asked that I stopped. She said she felt it went beyond our arrangement because it was interfering with our relationship (I was on my phone a lot, distracted). I agreed to stop communicating with this other woman.
However, I instead switched to Facebook messaging this other woman, and I messaged her a lot (again, often sexually/flirtatiously). I knew I was going against my wife's wishes, but I just felt pulled in and got more attached than I should have. My wife found out (she logged into my Facebook) and as a result has moved out b/c she's hurt and says she can't trust me. We're going to try to make things work, by seeing each other weekly or so and going slow. We're also in marriage counseling.
I've been wracked by guilt and shame—I know I did a very bad, harmful thing. As I mentioned, we're putting an effort into making this work, but I'm scared it might end with divorce, and I don't want that. I feel like I got caught up in something and learned that open relationships don't work for me, as I seem to get quite attached. I hope my wife gives me a second chance
Looking for advice on dealing with the guilt and shame--it eats at me constantly--and also looking for tips on rebuilding a relationship with your wife. Thanks
Been married for 2 years, with her for 7 years total. Great relationship and very few problems in that time.
A few years ago (as I recall, a little while before we got married, or maybe soon after) we decided to try an open "arrangement." Our arrangement didn't mean polygamy, three-ways or anything like that. Simply, we would be OK with casual "fun" on the side so long as it didn't interfere with our take precedence over our relationship. We felt the arrangement could make our relationship stronger, because we'd satisfy "urges" and not harbor resentment.
A few months ago, during a work trip, I met a coworker from a different state. We hit it off right away. We did not have sex (we didn't have protection) but did everything else physical. I felt like this was OK, based on my arrangement.
When I returned from the trip, I was thinking about this other woman a lot, and I texted her a lot. My wife noticed, saw that I was texting her flirtatiously/sexually, and asked that I stopped. She said she felt it went beyond our arrangement because it was interfering with our relationship (I was on my phone a lot, distracted). I agreed to stop communicating with this other woman.
However, I instead switched to Facebook messaging this other woman, and I messaged her a lot (again, often sexually/flirtatiously). I knew I was going against my wife's wishes, but I just felt pulled in and got more attached than I should have. My wife found out (she logged into my Facebook) and as a result has moved out b/c she's hurt and says she can't trust me. We're going to try to make things work, by seeing each other weekly or so and going slow. We're also in marriage counseling.
I've been wracked by guilt and shame—I know I did a very bad, harmful thing. As I mentioned, we're putting an effort into making this work, but I'm scared it might end with divorce, and I don't want that. I feel like I got caught up in something and learned that open relationships don't work for me, as I seem to get quite attached. I hope my wife gives me a second chance
Looking for advice on dealing with the guilt and shame--it eats at me constantly--and also looking for tips on rebuilding a relationship with your wife. Thanks
You need to own the responsibility for continuing with the OW after your W said it was interfering with your relationship. You need to realize that a lot of trust has been broken (I think you know that already) and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild that trust, starting with NC with the OW, which also includes blocking her from your social media, phone etc. Your W needs to know you are serious about this. If the OW manages to contact you, the best response is no response. Trust me!! We had to deal with this, and it was not pretty.
You need to be totally transparent with your W about everything that you feel, felt, happened, etc. Answer her questions---until (and you may hear some of them over and over). It may take a long time for her to process all her anger, grief, hurt, but you MUST be nothing but kind and loving and understanding toward your W. This will take a lot of fortitude, but remember that you bear the burden of repairing the damage you created. She may, depending on how she feels, need access to your social media passwords, phone, etc. If so, you need to allow this.
I had a similar thing happen to me. My boyfriend at one time during our relationship when we were having some difficulty and not understanding each other very well, talked to me about dating platonically some other women, as he felt that he needed to gain more dating experience after his divorce. I agreed, and what he did was find a woman who was very aggressive and he was not strong enough to not be led down the path to cheating. It was anything but platonic; she was hell bent on destroying our relationship--she even told him at one point that she was going to "win"!! . This only went on a couple of weeks--he started coming to his senses so he ended up confessing to me about what happened (I had no idea). I immediately told him it was either her or me, so he went NC with her immediately and started on the road to rebuilding with me. In the grand scheme of things, yes I know he cheated (like you, he did not do what he said he would do, and he covered it up), but the fact that I had agreed to letting him date platonically was part of how he ended up going down that road, just as your W's agreement that you two could have fun on the side did. This may help her, in the long run, be able to trust you again.
You and your W might want to learn about flame addiction and neurotransmitters---learning about these things helped me in my healing process with my boyfriend. This could also help your W understand things better.
You will feel guilt and shame, just as your W feels hurt and anger and grief--these things take time to diminish. What you can do to help yourself though, is to resolve to never allow anything like this to happen again.
One last thing--to avoid cheating in the future, you need to not put yourself in situations where you are alone with women you may be attracted to--no matter what. Evidently there is a weakness there, and sometimes extreme measures must be taken, as even though someone feels that they may never cheat again, nobody is immune.
Good luck, you sound like your heart is in the right place. If it is, your W will recognize that, and, perhaps like my boyfriend and I (14 months post DDay) you will be happy again.