Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
For context: I had an A, both OM and me were in long-term relationships, my relationship ended (because of the A), but his didn't (his W doesn't know about the A), so we kept on with it after my breakup for a couple of months.
I finally ended contact with OM some weeks ago, and I wanted to do it for good, so I sent him a very brief and cold e-mail saying we shouldn't consider being friends and that it was the last e-mail I would write. He sent me a letter with some of the stuff I had given him and said he understood and accepted my decision. I recently felt bad about not having explained more thoroughly to him why I decided that was the best way to go, and not having asked about his feelings about it, so I wrote him another e-mail some days ago telling him why I thought this was the best move. He replied saying that at first he was angry, then emotionally paralysed, but as time went by, he was actually grateful that I ended it and prevented him from going through what I did. He also agreed it was best to not communicate at all, so it would be the last e-mail he would write.
Now, even though I know I did the right thing, I feel quite bad about it. I haven't only gone through one truly painful breakup (me and my ex-BF), but through a second breakup with OM. Now he is happily keeping on with his relationship thanks to me, while I have nothing. Even though I know this was the right thing to do, I cannot help bashing myself for being the "not selfish" (and stupid) one who has ended the only thing that made me feel good after my ex-BF left. I could have just been selfish and enjoy myself and instead I'm just here feeling empty and sad. I also partially did it because I thought it was the only way to go, if I ever wanted to get my ex-BF back; realistically, I doubt we're going to get back, which makes me feel even more stupid about my "right" decision.
Is there any way to deal with these feelings? I'm finding it really, really hard.
I finally ended contact with OM some weeks ago, and I wanted to do it for good, so I sent him a very brief and cold e-mail saying we shouldn't consider being friends and that it was the last e-mail I would write. He sent me a letter with some of the stuff I had given him and said he understood and accepted my decision. I recently felt bad about not having explained more thoroughly to him why I decided that was the best way to go, and not having asked about his feelings about it, so I wrote him another e-mail some days ago telling him why I thought this was the best move. He replied saying that at first he was angry, then emotionally paralysed, but as time went by, he was actually grateful that I ended it and prevented him from going through what I did. He also agreed it was best to not communicate at all, so it would be the last e-mail he would write.
Now, even though I know I did the right thing, I feel quite bad about it. I haven't only gone through one truly painful breakup (me and my ex-BF), but through a second breakup with OM. Now he is happily keeping on with his relationship thanks to me, while I have nothing. Even though I know this was the right thing to do, I cannot help bashing myself for being the "not selfish" (and stupid) one who has ended the only thing that made me feel good after my ex-BF left. I could have just been selfish and enjoy myself and instead I'm just here feeling empty and sad. I also partially did it because I thought it was the only way to go, if I ever wanted to get my ex-BF back; realistically, I doubt we're going to get back, which makes me feel even more stupid about my "right" decision.
Is there any way to deal with these feelings? I'm finding it really, really hard.
Time. It all comes back to time - - and unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to speed it up or replace it.
Hang in there! Hugs!
Short answer to your question. The only way to deal with those feelings is to go through them.
Unfortunately you do have other options which will never heal you. You can distract yourself with other relationships, alcohol, another affair etc. All of those options are a prison and will keep you just where you are.
You are looking for relief, healing, maybe revenge... but what ever it is the only way to deal with the feelings is to go through them. To experience them and to let them change you. Easy? NO WAY!!! but absolutely possible. Everyone here will tell you that it gets better with time. The good news is that it is true. It does get better and easier with time. The bad news, is that it takes time.
You are not alone. Get help (as in therapy) it helps. I had to go on anti-depression medication which I am slowly weening myself off. When you are sad, be sad and don't fight it. When you are angry, don't fight it, be angry. Be kind to yourself. What ever you do, don't distract yourself. The pain will not kill you, in fact, it will make you a beautiful person on the other side. Find someone tender who can support you. Find songs and share your loneliness, sadness and anger with them. For me, music is healing.
I am incredibly sad with you. But it will get better. :) Stay strong friend.
Somethings I learned from that time of my life: Its harder to end/let go of A's because you can't really talk to anyone about them, because they are so taboo. The majority of people in real life as I call it won't support you like they do before you were M and would break up with a boyfriend. Its also the whole thrill factor, the rush, for the most part you only see the persons other "wonderful, passionate" side, because that is pretty much what you present to each other.
I totally agree with the time factor and IC helped me enormously. Also, yes, be kind to yourself. Work on yourself and things you want to do and accomplish. Do a 180 for you.
And as hard as it is.....NC really is the only way to go. Complete NC. No emails, no driving by, no stalking. I can't say enough for it.
Thank you for being brave Semiotica. Thank you for being honest and telling us your story. I'm sorry you are grieving the loss of your ex-boyfriend and probably even the affair. I too hope you are able to start therapy. It will be very comforting to be able to talk about what you are going through with a professional.