Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
4 years ago today, my second secret life and the OM,s happy little bubble came crashing down in a massive implosion and along with it my real life and my H's world as he knew it. Words could never describe the fallout of such a Dday. Especially since one does not allow oneself to consider the possibilities of consequences while engaged in a secret love affair. There were surprises in store for me as I did not imagine the extent of the damage I had done to myself while lost in that euphoric, addictive, foggy state of mind. When the dust had settled I felt like only half of me was left. I was lost and confused. My H was trauma shocked, OM was devastated. I carried everyone's pain on myself very heavily and cried every single day for well over a year.
You know what it takes to recover from such damage and pain? It takes lots of proactive work. Over these four years we have changed so much. The first two years we were just trying to find a new normal because the old one was gone. We were rebuilding from the ground up. We logged some MC and later I got some IC. We have read a lot of A recovery and M enrichment books together. We have changed the way we function as a couple and we spend a lot more time together. I have worked on myself spiritually and am still in close contact with my priest. I took every opportunity to be transparent with my H and show him love and authenticity and rebuild trust from ground zero. I worked hard to gain insight into the hows and whys that the A happened. I had to do the psychological work of letting the OM go from within. Not an easy task. That took being honest with myself, mental discipline, a lot of prayer, sticking to NC with all my might, and focusing on my real life and letting the other one go.
I have to add that even if I had done everything right, my M would not have been rebuilt successfully if my H hadn't decided to throw himself into it as well. I have seen BS's get into punishing mode as their way of coping and not be able to get out of it. When that happens there is little the CS can do to save the marriage but they can, and must, still work on themselves so ultimately they will have used this to better themselves whether the M survives or not.
These last two years have been easier. I continue the work above but it's more integrated into who I am now. My H and I love the new marriage we have built. Far better than the one we had before. I believe when you have been involved in an affair, if you are to recover, (whether your spouse knows or not) you have to figure out why it happened and make core changes that are permanent and always keep your guard up. It is a relief, though, to have found a measure of peace and happiness and normalcy again after the despair and turmoil of those first two years.
If you are in the early stages of such pain in the wake of an affair, I advise you to hang in there, keep swimming, use this as a catalyst to do the work of gaining insight and coming out of this an improved person. It gets better very very gradually, but if you are doing the work, it does continue to get better. Thanks for reading. I wanted to mark the day and share my thoughts on this difficult journey at the four year mark and maybe encourage some who are struggling.
You know what it takes to recover from such damage and pain? It takes lots of proactive work. Over these four years we have changed so much. The first two years we were just trying to find a new normal because the old one was gone. We were rebuilding from the ground up. We logged some MC and later I got some IC. We have read a lot of A recovery and M enrichment books together. We have changed the way we function as a couple and we spend a lot more time together. I have worked on myself spiritually and am still in close contact with my priest. I took every opportunity to be transparent with my H and show him love and authenticity and rebuild trust from ground zero. I worked hard to gain insight into the hows and whys that the A happened. I had to do the psychological work of letting the OM go from within. Not an easy task. That took being honest with myself, mental discipline, a lot of prayer, sticking to NC with all my might, and focusing on my real life and letting the other one go.
I have to add that even if I had done everything right, my M would not have been rebuilt successfully if my H hadn't decided to throw himself into it as well. I have seen BS's get into punishing mode as their way of coping and not be able to get out of it. When that happens there is little the CS can do to save the marriage but they can, and must, still work on themselves so ultimately they will have used this to better themselves whether the M survives or not.
These last two years have been easier. I continue the work above but it's more integrated into who I am now. My H and I love the new marriage we have built. Far better than the one we had before. I believe when you have been involved in an affair, if you are to recover, (whether your spouse knows or not) you have to figure out why it happened and make core changes that are permanent and always keep your guard up. It is a relief, though, to have found a measure of peace and happiness and normalcy again after the despair and turmoil of those first two years.
If you are in the early stages of such pain in the wake of an affair, I advise you to hang in there, keep swimming, use this as a catalyst to do the work of gaining insight and coming out of this an improved person. It gets better very very gradually, but if you are doing the work, it does continue to get better. Thanks for reading. I wanted to mark the day and share my thoughts on this difficult journey at the four year mark and maybe encourage some who are struggling.
I am generally a pretty vindictive person but I've found some sort of inner peace within that has pushed me to rise above and actually display compassion and forgiveness above anything I ever realized I was capable of. Not the forgiveness that says hey walk all over me some more because I don't care but instead an honest effort to look through their eyes and understand. That's why I read these boards too. I've shocked others but most of all I've shocked myself.
I agree with you, you cannot possibly see the destruction that will be had when these things come to light. My spouse said he couldn't possibly fathom it when he was in that fog. He knew it was hurtful and destructive but he has also said you reach a point where you trust the other women so much because you share such a horrible secret that you really don't think you'll ever be found out. He learned that you really cannot trust anyone that you've built a relationship with based on lies and deceit. She was ready to move the relationship to the next level so she forced his hand by telling her spouse and immediately moving out. We were all great friends so she knew my spouse would have no choice but to tell me. She was hoping he would leave me for her or I would blow to the point I would kick him out and she would be there to pick up the pieces. It didn't go exactly as planned for her.
Hearing your words gives me hope. When an affair goes down, trust disappears. My husband has been saying some of these same things and I honestly wanted to believe him but wasn't sure I could. You have given me a little glimpse that he does mean what he says and is willing to put in the work needed to make our marriage better than ever.
I do think there are two types of people who involve themselves in affairs. You have those that truly get addicted to the rush or fog that you speak of. They will never ever break the cycle. You have others who get involved because something was truly missing in their life and they got wrapped up in the fact that whatever was missing was being fed. I think the latter do stand a chance of recovery and a much better marriage.